01Oct,12

The Girl

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Rating: 5.8/10 (102 votes cast)

It felt like the short time after one wakes up from a nap; it feels as if everything is not real, as if you are still not fully awake. I opened my eyes and found myself placed in this scene straight out of a thriller. I found myself standing in the middle of what looked like an alleyway. It felt like the aftermath of a fall storm. I took a breath, but all I felt was the cold, crisp air cutting the inside of my lungs. The sky was an unattractive shade of gray which coincidentally matched the cold wet pavement. I could see about fifty feet into this alley; the rest was covered in a heavy fog. This fog laid so close to the ground that only the top of the building were visible. I looked down and noticed the pavement was cracked in several spots, creating vane-like cavities all through this road. It gave me a sense that this was a forgotten road; that nobody had walked, nonetheless driven, through this road in years.

As I looked at my surroundings I tried to take in all of the details of this scene, but found my senses muted. My eyes saw everything, but my brain could not process the information correctly. I turned my head to the left where an old brick wall stood. The brick was barely visible; dirt and mold covered most of its surface. I could tell this wall stood tall many years ago, but now it was only the skeleton of a building, the top of the wall was jagged and broken; time became its worst enemy. There was a large vine coming from the pavement rising against this brick wall; like a big giant claw reclaiming its territory. It was only a matter of time until this mighty wall lost its battle against nature.

I slowly shifted my head to the right and saw what was left of an old garage. The metal door was crippled by time and weather. It was bent with the metal framing sticking out in every direction. It reminded me of a homeless animal; sick and hurt. Many years ago this door was white, but the white faded and rust had dimmed its bright glow. It became jagged to the touch and my finger got caught on the hinge. I watched the small trickle of blood slowly fall from my finger and hit the cracked pavement. It fell into a small circle and ants swarmed it like they haven’t ate in months. I moved forward through the door and left the ants to their feast.  Behind the door I could only see the darkness streaming out, I found it strange that I could see darkness and light became obsolete. It was intriguing to my eyes. Its once concrete floor was now littered with debris and dried out leaves from the many autumns the vine across the street had to suffer. The room’s smell was almost unbearable and yet so familiar. I’ve been here before.

The rest of the street was covered in thick, hazy, fog. I turned my head to face the street and to my surprise I found myself starring at the only color in this death scene; red. Every sense in my body screamed of fear, I could feel the hairs on my skin slowly rising as I saw this small figure materialized in front of me. As a gust of wind moved through my feet, the fog was pulled back like a curtain to reveal the figure. It was a little girl; at first I thought she was walking towards me, but her feet did not move. After a while she seem to stop. The heavy fog seemed to dance around her feet as if it was delicate silk. There was nothing about her appearance that I needed to be scared of; she was wearing a red dress, the hem made a large circle around her knees, she had her hair braided with a white ribbon tying the end. She looked fragile and innocent. I wanted to help her; to approach her. But something inside of me stopped me.

She looked at me, there was no anger, no excited, no fear, there was nothing in her eyes that resembled the least bit of emotion. I was more than certain that my face resembled nothing but terror. I felt incredibly uncomfortable, but I had no idea why. Every bone in my body, every thought through my head, told me to run. Instead, I stood there, still. It was as if my body stopped responding; I was paralyzed. I  looked at this girl and wondered what she was doing in this alley way. I began to think she was lost and needed help getting back home, wherever that might be. I never stopped to think, what was I doing there. I had no recollection of getting there, or why I was there. I moment later my stomach sank and I realized what who she was. This little girl was me when I was eight. This was the alley behind my house; this was my childhood.

It took what seemed a lifetime until I managed to feel my legs again. I took a step towards her. She quickly blinked, next thing I know she was charging towards me. All I could see was pure concentration, and for that matter, evil in her face. She opened her mouth as if to scream but instead she revealed her perfectly sharpened teeth, ready to attack. I remember backing away but all I saw was her mouth getting closer to my face.  I remember falling to the ground, her on top of me, and the darkness of her throat. I laid there as I heard the sound of my flesh ripping apart in small imperfect pieces. My bones broken in single, swift snaps. I felt as if I being submerged in water but I realized I was drowning in my own blood. The pain was a like a fire roaring in what was left of my body. I closed my eyes. Then I woke up.

Credit To: Bleek

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Rating: 5.8/10 (102 votes cast)
The Girl, 5.8 out of 10 based on 102 ratings


  • Jay

    I don’t get it someone please explain…

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    Rating: +2 (from 6 votes)
    • Nighttouch

      She was a vampire as is now the narrator.

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      Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
      • Unnamed

        Lol vampire ants :D

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        Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
    • http://ccsk.com game

      it was a dream

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      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
      • http://hi.com Altair

        with VAMPIRE ANTS! *biiiig grin*

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        Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  • Turd

    You desperatley need a lesson in proper usage of the semicolon.

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    Rating: +13 (from 15 votes)
    • Lawl.

      Desperately*

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      Rating: +2 (from 4 votes)
    • http://hi.com Altair

      AND grammar. apart from that, nice story

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      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • Lia

    I have to say that the writing of this pasta really turned me off. I couldn’t even finish it because of all the sentences starting with “I” “it’s” etc. It became very annoying. In school I was taught “show not tell” and you were describing every single thing; no matter how miniscule it was. The descriptions were good and the vocabulary was very vast! But the constant descriptions really turned me off. I can’t really rate this because I couldn’t even eat my pasta.

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    Rating: +6 (from 10 votes)
  • Icy Sketchs

    @Jay
    The guy taught he was awake, since he was talking about how sometimes you wake up, but you feel like your still sleeping.
    He taught he was awake, he saw a girl, the girl tried to eat him, breaking his bones and devouring him. He then woke up realizing it was just a dream.
    Did that help?

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    Rating: -4 (from 8 votes)
    • PAPUCHA

      *thought
      *she
      *GIRL

      IT IS A LITTLE GIRL. WHO WAS HER WHEN SHE WAS A KID. True, the girl could’ve had some sort of operation and changed her gender, which is why you refer to him as HE, but it’s way more likely that that DIDN’T happen.

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      Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
      • Redriddinghood

        The narrator was a girl
        And a vampire
        @unnamed
        Lol the vampire ants though

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        Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • Shauna

    Just a nightmare. Scary. Kinda reminds me of “Flatliners.” 5/10

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    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • lee

    Errrgggh. It was hard to keep reading. I gave this pasta the benefit of the doubt hoping to find some redeeming factor for the constant I’s and It’s and such. None could be found. Good luck on future attempts. 1/10

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    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • Anonymous

    @Icy Sketchs The main cahracter wasn’t a guy it was agirl throughout the whole story.

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    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
    • Icy Sketchs

      I so knew that >.>

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      Rating: -1 (from 1 vote)
  • MissMeg

    Awful rotten pasta.

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    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • Jay

    @ IcySketchs
    Yeah thanks! It helped alot :)

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    Rating: -1 (from 1 vote)
  • ẠbracadaveЯ

    “And then I woke up” has to be about the worst ending of anything ever. And yet people keep using it and using it like it’s actually a decent ending. Always pisses me off something /bad/.

    @Shauna – Flatliners is one of my favourite movies. Don’t insult it like that please.

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    Rating: +3 (from 5 votes)
  • Konakona

    Kind of lame honestly. Had potential though. 4/10

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    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • ThatOneGirl

    I love this (:

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    Rating: -2 (from 4 votes)
  • LollipopGestapo

    The first lines of the story were great. But the over detailed explanations killed the story. A few well thought out details should cover it. You filled the whole story with description, and no real plot. Story: woman falls asleep, dreams she is in the alleyway behind her old house, where her childhood self attempts to maul her, but she wakes up just in time. That’s really not that terrifying, but a 5 for effort.

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    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • the cake

    *trolls bad Grammurr* because having the good speecking skeelz obviously mehkez me the superior.

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    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • juniper

    Author needs to work on vocab, punctuation, and not describing everything, ever.

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    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  • Amber

    it does have potential… a bit less description. I’m finding it hard myself, though, to vividly paint the right image with fewer words, because anything I write ends up too long.

    Any tips on how to accomplish that bit of advice?

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  • Rolo

    Had to stop reading after a while, the constant switching between tenses hurt my brain.

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    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • Notch

    I don’t get it

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    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • http://www.roblox.com Jeb

    Not to be a ass but I didn’t like it that much but it gave me the chills 3/10

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  • http://www.creepypasta.com/youre-not-scared-right/comment-page-3/ Alice

    I barely read the first paragraph and there was so much repetition and so many redundancies, not to mention the spelling and grammar. I couldn’t finish this. I could barely start it

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  • ThisIsANameForAComment

    And then I woke up. And then I was glad it was over. For some reason I could not keep my concentration on this one. Problem started about halfway through the second paragraph and stayed for the rest of the pasta. There is nothing more to say. See ya later.

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