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As I lay in the grass, the warm summer breeze rolling over me, I can’t help but wonder what I did to deserve what had befallen me. I never really hurt anyone, never kicked any puppies or anything like that, but hey, I’m just getting ahead of my self. In order for this to make sense we have to start this story from the beginning.
It was the beginning of May and the weather had finally cleared and dried up a little. I was on my way home from work when a sign for a local petting zoo caught my eye. It was called Fawn-Doe Rosa, a family owned place where you can walk around, pet and feed deer as well as see other furry animals. A little bored with my life at the time I decided I would stop in and support the place, feed and pet a few animals then head home.
As I entered the fenced in area I walked to the far end of a huge pond, towards a small, younger looking buck. As I approached it turned to look at me and hurriedly walked over to get some food from me… or so I thought. I reached out to offer him a carrot; he tilted his head, his dark eyes staring straight into my soul. We stood stock still for a good minute before it spoke, causes me to jump in surprise.
“Hello Neil,” It spoke in a voice very similar to Morgan Freeman, “You’re a very special person and I know you’ll help me. I can’t ask this of just anyone. I really need your help and have a favor to ask of you.”
“You can talk?!” I stammered.
“Yes, Yes I’m a talking deer, but all that aside, I just need a small easy favor. I’ll make it worth your while and reward you, even.”
“How can you… a deer reward me, a human? You going to give me lettuce?” I chuckled.
“All you have to do is make a sign, saying ‘found lost dog’, with your cell phone number on it, then post it up outside the main office.”
“That would be lying. I don’t have anyone’s dog.”
“I already know you will do it Neil, less ask-ey, more do-ey.” It demanded, waving him away with its hoof.
Long story short I did what it asked. Later that night I got a phone call, asking what the dog I found had looked like, ironically I had found a dog outside my apartment complex not an hour earlier and described him to the owner. Turns out they were a very wealthy family and gave me a 20,000 dollar reward for finding and taking care of their championship, pure bread. The next day I went back to the zoo and the magical, unicorn deer was waiting for me.
“Let me be the first to congratulate you on your reward,” he began, “To introduce myself my name is Deer, I see what will be and what can be. As you can tell, me being a deer makes doing things I want done hard and or impossible for me to handle. So from time to time I have been known to seek out special people such as your self to do these simple tasks for me and in doing so receiving a reward for your actions.”
“This is too good to be true.” I grumbled shaking my head.
“I want you to know I will never lie to you or make you do anything illegal. At times the things you do may lead to something bad happening to someone else, but ultimately it will be balanced out with something good happening to you.”
At first the thought of bad stuff happening to others deterred me, but nothing good ever seemed to happen to me, so why not switch things up a little.
“What’s in it for you?” I asked.
“From the tasks you will accomplish I will be able to construct a masterpiece, one that will make my existence worth while.” He answered, with a creepy toothy grin.
“You have yourself a deal Deer.” I said with a sigh.
The next few months went by fast, especially with keeping busy doing the tasks the Deer wanted. I had done around twenty or so tasks, learning a little bit about Deer’s history along the way. He had actually been a famous palm reader and jester thousands of years back. A joke of his however went terribly wrong. When one of the princes he was entertaining got offended and had him executed, his spirit lived on through the ages, reaching out to whoever would listen. To be honest I was happier than I had ever been those past few months than I had been in my entire life. I had money, women, a good job and a great place to live. Everything was going good, till now.
This morning I was told to put a semi-driver on a shift just a little longer than usual. I did what I was asked and in doing so a coworker of mine that originally would have given a coupon for a free meal and visit at Fawn-Doe Rosa, gave the coupon to me. So I took a longer lunch break and headed out to the petting zoo for lunch. I brought my lunch over to Deer and we shared my meal in silence. I had gotten up to leave when Deer spoke.
“I’m afraid our time together is running short, as I said before I see what will be and what can be. What goes around comes back around.” He finished singing the Justin Timberlake song.
“Wait what do you mean?” I asked confused.
“Why, my masterpiece of course,” Deer chuckled, “Everything you have done for me has lead to this exact moment, starting with the poster and ending with the shift change.”
“Wait what’s going to happen?” I asked starting to freak out and debating on whether to high tail it or not.
“There is no use in running,” Deer stated bluntly, “As I said before, I have been planning this moment for a few months now. I knew, without a doubt you would help. To humor you a bit I will tell you how it all plays out, because no matter what you do my masterpiece will be complete. It all started with the dog you found, which allowed for him to be returned home. The next task, the one with the quarter, caused a child to jam a toy machine. He got upset and his mom got so worked up she had a heart attack, so they had to call in someone to take over her dog watching job for the day. The substitute watcher, being the man you told he sucks at life. He got upset and was very distracted at work today and accidentally lost the dog he was supposed to be taking care of. Then I had you go to a bar and move a beer a few inches, which caused someone to spill it on another person. The one guy got mad, throwing a beer bottle at the other guy, which hit a baseball trophy case, causing it to shatter. You tried to help the bartender find the missing ball but she got so smitten by you she completely forgot about the missing ball. Well a kid found that ball and is playing baseball with it as we speak. Then the shift you changed today, he was already working a double shift, now he is really exhausted and his reaction time is a little slow.” Deer let out a loud sneeze and turned to look across the road.
“But what does this have to do with me?” I asked dreading to hear the answer. He just nodded towards the road. I slowly turned to face the road as I heard a kid crying and chasing a dog with a baseball in its mouth. The kid stopped to catch his breath as the dog entered the road, then turning to face the kid to see if he was still following, he playfully crouched and wagged his tail. I jumped as a semi- blared his horn, too little too late… the dog exploded into bits and pieces on the fender of the trucks cabin. That’s when the ball caught my eye. It bounced into the wheel well of the rear tire, then without warning came rocketing towards me. I Covered my head and chest with my arms, hoping to protect myself, but the ball wasn’t after my face or chest. Clocking easily at well over a hundred miles per hour, the ball hit me directly in the ball sack. I immediately fell to the floor gagging and puking all over the place. All the while, Deer was prancing around laughing hysterically.
“Get shrekt scrub,” he howled, “Your- your face is so priceless ahahaha! Best prank ever!”
Looking around frantically, I found a rather large rock by the pond, sneaking up behind Deer and raising it over my head while he still laughed uncontrollably. He whipped around as he caught sight of my shadow looming over him.
“Oh shit.” He gasped, as I brought the large stone upon his head, killing him instantly.
I sighed heavily, hobbling over to my car and driving straight to the hospital. A few hours later, surprise, surprise, I found out I am no longer able to bear children. With my testicles swollen to the size of tennis balls, I couldn’t help but shake my head in disgust. I lay down in the grass, swearing to myself. Looks like the Deer would have the last laugh…
Credit: Blake L. Patrick