Going back, I remember it all vividly; my first time at Posey Chapel with a couple of my friends. Nobody was really scared; after all, the sightings were hoaxes and never supported with actual evidence. But, being Halloween, something was bound to happen—and something happened indeed, because that night was the start of a string of the most horrifying ones in my existence.
We arrived at the chapel, cracking jokes about the myths that were told about it while walking around aimlessly, not in search of anything specific. After about five minutes in our journey, I saw in the midst of the churchyard, an all-white figure. From what I could tell, he was near the age of 10, and had no eyes…just black pits where his eyes should’ve been. I looked at my friends for reassurance that this wasn’t just my imagination, this was real. They told me they could see him too, but just vaguely. As he was about a football field away, it was hard to tell what we were looking at. So, naturally, we strained to get a better look at him.
The four of us started to walk slowly toward him, not particularly looking to hurt him in away sort of way. Once we reached a certain point, I instantly felt a sort of connection with him. I was the only one he “looked” at, considering he had black pits for eyes. The others could see him looking at me intently, and we decided to leave; afraid.
We got back in the car and waited about five minutes before leaving, just to see if anything would happen. Nothing did, but the minute my head hit the pillow that night is when things did started to happen.
That first night, Halloween 2014, I had a dream about him—the boy from the chapel. It was all a recap from that night, except everyone’s teeth were rotted out and/or had cavities. These dreams occurred each night for eight days. Within each dream he would get about 10 yards closer, and the dream would always cut off just as I closed the car door. After eight nights, the dream had occurred eight times consecutively and he was about 20 yards away from me, so we went back to Posey Chapel. The dreams stopped after that visit.
January 8th, 2015.
I’d been staying at my grandma’s that week, as my bathroom was being renovated. I was on the couch, where I had been sleeping. This night had started as an otherwise normal one. I was casually browsing my Facebook and listening to a podcast with one earbud in. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, but then the lights and TV went out and I heard scratching from the basement. It started coming up the stairs and gradually got louder and louder until I thought I was going to lose it. Then, abruptly, silence. I looked up toward the stairway door to see what it was, but saw nothing. Questioning it, I turned back, and I got a glance down the main hallway where I saw a streak of white. Terrified, I was hesitant to look back, but I seemed drawn to it. So I looked, despite my gut feeling, and there he was: the boy without eyes. He stood there with intent but lack of emotion for at least twenty minutes, and then he disappeared. Or so I’d thought.
I looked outside my window and there he was, hanging from the barren tree. I thought I was going insane; hallucinating. My brother claimed to not be able to see him, so why could I? I snapped a picture of the tree from inside, sending it to the group chat I was in. Nobody saw anything except what they thought was snow, but I knew it was him.
Gathering up my courage, and going against my own gut, I went outside to take a different picture, this time with the flash on. I only cracked open the door to do so, as I didn’t want to leave the comfort of the house, no matter if he could get inside. This time, he was sitting in the tree rather than hanging from a noose. That was what struck me as extremely odd. I took the picture despite his changed position and rushed inside, sending it to my group chat again. This time they could see him. He stood out against the snow as a lighter, blurrier white.
After this, I felt compelled to go back outside and face him; ask him what he wanted from me. So, once again, I gathered up my courage and went back into the freezing winter night. I looked up at him in the tree and yelled, “What do you want from me?”
Ten seconds of silence filled the chilly air.
And then, “Please, come back.”
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No real suspense so no real feeling of fear so it was very anti climatic
This is an interesting read, i cant seem to find any, but if there are, can someone please tell me there are any continuations to this story. i would really like to see a conclusion to this story.
Wow the ending is so sweet!!!!!!!!! I wouldn’t leave him -I think-.
So the ghost boy wants him to “come back”? But comeback where?
Or was the author a ghost and was related to the spirit boy and then he reincarnated and the spirit wants him back, i.e dead?
Yeah i’m an over thinker.. ._.
Well, it’s okay. Like, the writing style is good but nothing particularly special, but the ‘tone’ of the story feels like any other creepypasta. Protagonist goes to haunted place, doesn’t believe the rumours, spooky things start happening right on cue. There’s no real mystery or suspense or anything like that, it feels like the same start as any pasta.
Also, I get that you were trying to write a cliffhanger ending, but it just feels like the story drops off for no reason. There was literally only one ‘journal entry’, too, and that was effectively the whole second half to the story.
‘ These dreams occurred each night for eight days. Within each dream he would get about 10 yards closer, and the dream would always cut off just as I closed the car door. After eight nights, the dream had occurred eight times consecutively and he was about 20 yards away from me, so we went back to Posey Chapel.’ This part reads almost… robotically? listing all these Precise Details and such detracts from the ‘tone’ of the story and thus the immersion, in a way. It’s something important about horror writing that I’ve learn – the tone of the protagonist conveys both their personality and the story itself, so maintaining that ‘tone’ is everything.
On the other hand, the premise is interesting, the ghost boy could be an interesting character and a chapel would be a nice place to set a pasta in. So I think with a rewrite and expansion, this could truly be an interesting pasta! For now, I’m giving it a 6/10, but I kind of hope to see a rewrite of this sometime!
hey guys check out my voice Over of this! : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arUch_0EuuU
The story was actually really cool and you seriously do know how to make your story so mysterious that people want to read more and I love authors like that, although, the flaws of this story make it seem… boring… not that the story line is bad, in fact the story is perfect. But this seems like it’s going very quick so are you sure it’s completely finished or do you want to add more? I would love to see that. You see, the thing is, when writing a story one specific part of the story that goes on long enough is what makes it interesting and it also builds up more questions and more mysteries so the reader wants to continue reading until everything is finally clear and way less vague. And if you do read this, keep in mind that I said a specific part of a story that goes on long enough so make sure that in your future stories that I am sure will be AMAZING not to go on for too long. Thanks for reading (if you did XD) :).
You do not understand how to properly use semicolons. Please learn. As for the story, the idea was…typical. Nothing special about a little boy haunting you. Except…nothing happened. There was virtually no action, no plot in this story. Terribly empty pasta. You basically just handed us a bowl with one noodle. Try again!
Well, this was a good story, but you didn’t add much details. If you would lke, I would make another story that is this story but with more detail that I think it needs. I also I want to say that I was actually confused by the end, I didn’t get what you mean my by “Please, come back”. Who said that and why? Is there something that is dangerous about the boy that the one who’s getting haunted is wanting for it to come back? Were they friends? Anyways, good work but add detail.
Oh my God. Is this REALLY based on a true story, because it says it is. I don’t really believe this, but if you want to check out another one based on a true story, it’s even creepier, it’s called O’malley’s Family Restaurant. It’s really based on a true story, and you will be surprised to see who entered it.
This really should have landed in the crappypasta pile. The only thing I liked about your story was the concept.
“The lonely ghost of a young boy haunts the protagonist in an attempt to gain a friend or companion.” If you had executed this idea correctly, your pasta would have been delicious, and I would be writing a very positive review. Unfortunately, your pasta was unsatisfying, and I am writing my worst review of the new year.
Grammar errors were frequent and cringeworthy. Other annoyances included horrible word choice and ineffective phraseology. It is very difficult to enjoy a story, when I find myself stopping every two sentences to mentally rearrange a phrase or think of a better word to describe your thought.
Your pasta was also filled with terrible inconsistencies. It was at times impossible to locate your protagonist, and you even switched to a journal entry (or whatever that was) halfway through the story. You introduce new ideas like the dreams and dismiss them in less than a paragraph.
I’m sorry, but this pasta was just very poorly written. I wish you good luck on your future endeavors. Maybe you can rework this concept into something readable when you are older.
3/10
“…mentally rearrange a phrase or think of a better word to describe your thought…”
Oh my god, you do this too? I thought it was just me being pedantic and I can’t switch it off. Thank you.
I really enjoyed reading this pasta, but I don’t understand the ending. The only advice I can give you is to rewrite the ending to make it more clear.
Don’t know what to make of this. My own imagination of events creeped me out more than what I read. I think there are parts missing to your story. The boy was there for 20 minutes? Did they just sand motionless, locked in an empty mutual gaze? And why did he go back after the last dream and what happened when he did? I like your idea but I don’t know where you were trying to take it.
As others have already mentioned, this pasta just felt really rushed. It’s like a raw sketch of a good painting and feels a bit like you just wrote down your ideas for 30 minutes and submitted it. With some more work put into it, more description, more explanations etc., this can be a really good pasta, Aside from the already mentioned examples, I, for example, didn’t get the whole part about the teeth being rotten out in the dreams. What’s the reason for that, does it have anything to do with the boy? Some more/other elements in the dreams would have really helped the atmosphere as well. The rest has already been said, for example that some things just don’t make sense. Overall, I feel like this pasta should have been posted to crappypasta first to get the necessary advise from the community. It just really can’t compete with most other pastas here right now.
I don’t want to discourage you, but a lot in this pasta could be worked more thoroughly. The pace is a little too quick, in the sense that you just cited actions one after the other without really getting into their description or their effect on the narrator. I’m thinking about the scratching-up-the-basement scene, where a better description would have enhanced the idea’s creepy potential. You flew past the “twenty minutes” that happened later way too quickly; again a depiction of the character’s fright, emotions, things he imagined, would have taken the story to another level and earned you an easy extra star in the votes. In the end of the first part you said the dreams continued for eight nights and the last night the boy was 20 yards away, so the kids went back to the place… I don’t see the cause-consequence relationship between the two parts. The story would also benefit from some explanation: who was the boy? What happened to his eyes? Why was he the one of the group to go through all this? Why couldn’t his brother see him live, but his friends could on just a picture? That was inconsistent, and besides it would have been more scary to just not let the others see it. Finally, the end sounds like the boy was just really lonely and wanted the narrator to visit him more often or to be his friend. So in a nutshell the pasta is still way too al-dente (is that how you spell it idk) and needs to be cooked up more to bring up the plot’s creepy potential. I already liked it as it were, though. I hope these advices help, whether you want to make a re-write or a completely new story.
This is very true. You flew through important parts of the story without any detail or build up.
I think this could have been better. It seemed a little rushed towards the end and the beginning didn’t start off too strong. It was a good idea, just wasn’t executed correctly.
I did not get the ending at all :(
I think the ghost boy regrets killing himself and is lonely so he tries to get somebody to stay with him at the chapel which is most likely where his remains are which means he can’t leave it permanently…
Needs work I think. Premise is okay, but you executed it badly.
What where the rumours about the place? He was in the tree hanging, do you mean by his neck, if so why?
I really liked this. But.. What? Does this imply a continued haunting until he comes back? Comes back where? Posey Chapel? Does he have to go back every so often to satiate the ghostly boy?
Nice word usage with satiate.
I thank you.
Also, to the author, not that age has anything to do with it.. However if it turns out you are younger, I hope harsh words won’t keep you from making improvements to your story and growing as a writer. And if you’re not, the same applies. Stay creepy! You have the heart for it and your story was posted for a reason! But a bit of explanation on that ending would be super awesome.
meh.