It was 11:00 at night, so I turned off the television, brushed my teeth and climbed into bed, securing the soft black covers over myself. For a few minutes, all I saw was darkness, and all I heard was silence, but then suddenly, I heard a sound. It sounded like a liquid gurgling sound, and it was coming from the backyard. I tried to ignore it, but it continuously got louder and more annoying, so I went out to the backyard in my sleep clothes to investigate the strange gurgling noise.
I couldn’t find anything, except the grass and the trees, so I decided that it was probably just my imagination. But then, it happened again. I tried to follow where the sound was stationed, and it led me to a stream, gurgling softly. The water was clear and pristine, not murky or brown like the water in the lake not too far from here. I felt an aching dryness in my mouth, and I began to grow incredibly thirsty for some reason, so I figured, what harm could it do? I cupped my hands to let some of the water flow into them, then I lifted my hands to my lips and drank the cool, sweet water. The water tasted like heaven, unlike any water I had ever tasted. Then, I decided to go back to bed, but my vision went fuzzy and I became numb at first, and then utterly blind and paralyzed. I fell to the ground.
I woke up to a song. Not like the songs you hear on the radio, performed by recording artists. No, this was a heavenly carol sung by an otherworldly beauty, an angel. I let the ambience of the angelic hymn wash over me like a soft rain in Spring, and each note took me higher, closer to heaven. The voice that sang this had a timeless melody, a vox that made Seraphim weep teardrops of gold. So enchanting, yet so haunting. As the song ended,
I lifted myself to stand in my exact spot for a few seconds, taking time to comprehend the beauty my ears had just witnessed. Then, I went back into the house to go to sleep.
Several times after, I drank the water from the spring, and each time, I heard the same melody, the same angelic hymn. I felt myself gradually becoming weary of mundane life and wished I could live forever in the eternal plane of heaven.
One day, I ventured out into my backyard to drink the water and listen to the song again, and the usual happened. The water tastes sweet. I passed out. However, the song I awoke to was not beautiful in any way, shape or form. It was a twisted shadow of the familiar angel’s song, a sort of sick, menacing incantation from the bowels of the abyss. The voice sang in distorted and unreal shrieks, the sounds of demons being tortured, and the overall song was so soulless, vile, and corrupt that it made me sick. I then realized that this….entity….was actually speaking in words, saying something. It said:
Demons! Demons! Come, attack!
Do not rest until this one is dead!
I knew danger was arriving soon, so I rushed back inside and grabbed my longsword my father gave to me. Armed and dangerous, I stood my ground at the backyard, slaying the most grotesque demons imaginable. They had putrid green flesh, blood and pus hemorrhaging from their mouths and eye sockets, they had glowing red eyes, and six-thousand tentacles. But I killed them all, triumphant against the creatures from the abyss. I victoriously strode back into the house to clean myself off in the bathroom, but my heart seemed to sink into my stomach when I saw my reflection:
I was one of them.
I knew what had to be done. I shakily raised the blade of the sword to my neck, and slit my throat in one swift motion.
August 5, 2011:
The body of the deceased, Shaianne [last name unmentioned], was discovered in the bathroom of her house. The major wound is located on the throat, and the murder weapon appears to be the longsword found on the floor. Several other corpses were found in the backyard.
Credit To: Shaianne
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I think it was very creepy
Good start, but the end fell flat.
Have an ice day.
is this supposed to sound realistic? it seems fake if its supposed to be fake then srry
Nice concept. Just felt very rushed.
This was overall pretty good, and I especially liked the last paragraph. However I think the idea of a longsword would be kinda unrealistic. :/ but despite that good pasta
I don’t know, I felt he ending was rushed as it didn’t make much sense. I guess the water made them hallucinate…and murder people in their own backyard? I dunno…
This pasta, as you call it has failed to impress me. While the begining is detailed and done well, the end is dissapointing. Demon battles are seldom good when placed in this era, and the truth is that nobody has a longsword. Even an inheritance cannot justify it.
Oh and I am only 10 and I am righting a fanfic it’s probably gonna be crapy but u wrote this at 12 so that gives me confidence thank u
I like it even though what other people say its good so I hope u have a good day because u deserve it
Do you wuv Doctor Who by any chance?
Have an ice day.
I thought this was pretty good and well written although not very creepy, at all. Still a good story i think.
Good,up until the last couple of paragraphs with the demon battles,not entertaining or scary.
Lol wut sleep clothes???
Hello, I just wanted to say that there wasn’t all that much of detail. The more detail for stories, the better. Just thought you needed to know that
6000 tenticles? And you killed them all? Worst pasta ever you should feel bad, I’ll be in the handicapped porta Jon waiting to be off sucked with the above mentioned homeboys.
Okay that’s great. Your story wasn’t so great. I did like the concept though, perhaps if you rewrote it now it would turn out less rushed. And instead of a sword it could be a kitchen knife, which many more people carry than swords.
Ok, please stop insulting me. I was 12 when I wrote this. Get over it.
Excuse me. While the mechanics and the details of this story are very lacking at best, this is a very very creative concept. Its not often that we find people with imagination. Ignore the haters who cant offer any help or at least a compliment on the idea. You go girl.
~From the desk of S.I.
Well, Brad Money and one of the many Anonymous’s komments just became even more awkward.
I will say, the story become more impressive after finding out it was written by a twelve year old.
Have an ice day.
Yo, you trying to suck off me and my homeboy for some Evanescense tickets?
I bet you’re one of those gothic bitches that draw fairies and shit on everything. You may not be able to write but you’re probably cuter than most of your fatter, more juggalo-oriented friends. At least that way you serve a purpose to suck off me and my homeboys in a handicap porta-jon for evanescense tickets
…Yeah. This was stupid. Your story is all over the place and has no cohesion, nor does it have any reasons for anything that happens in it ever.
This is why you shouldn’t have sharp objects near an ecstasy user.
Wait, so she owns both a television AND a long sword? What? That weapon ought to be in a museum, what kind of father says: “Here, take this priceless historical artifact for no apparent reason. I’m sure it’ll come in handy.”
Some people kollect swords. Or she kould be like me. I’m a cyborg, but I use a sword made of ice. It’s pretty kool actually. *rimshot*
Have an ice day.
Most people realize when they have written absolute crap, and will refrain from posting it after long self deliberation and an attempt at meliorating editing. You story sucks, dear god it sucks
Nobody? Just me? Ok, I’ll say it.
No John, You are the demons. And then John was a zombie.
This was absolutely horrible.Go read SCPs, and learn to write from them.
Very, well written I loved it.
Well it kinda reminded me of minecraft or terraria fight green demon at dusk with a sword
I do appreciate criticism, but I really wish that people wouldn’t post stupid things like “BUT WHO WAS ANGEL???”
Unfortunately, there’s no escaping that on this site.
Have an ice day.
I didn’t really care for the story but there were some good pictures that developed for me. You certainly have a craft worth putting some time into. It needs some work but your style has promise. Keep writing and absolutely take a look at how others write as stated earlier by anonymous. Take that extra second to color the atmosphere with props, movement of hands, body language, etc. Also many writers here could benefit from show vs. tell comparisons. “Show” us how someone is feeling by their actions in as few words as possible.
Keep writing Shaianne.
A longsword? Really? “Oh, man my dad gave me it because he felt I would one day use it to fight demons, but oh wait! They aren’t demons, they’re random people hanging out in my backyard! What a twist!
BUT WHO WAS ANGEL?
I’m probably going to sound a little harsh here, but I thought it was bad. The idea of the angel song and such was nice. There were many directions you could take the story from that point. Instead of you want for the 12 year old’s imagination approach. IE: ‘I had a sword and killed a bunch of monsters’ It really detracted from the story, which you immediatly killed by making the protagonist into a demon and killing himself.
All in all, needed work.
Ooooo!
Though it has quite a few obvious points i really liked this one.
I suppose one reason is because I just love anything that has demons or creatures from hell in it. I laughed at the longsword due to it been a bit cliche and not everyone owns swords so easily but since I have a friend who collects them I let it slide.
It was mainly the ending that got it for me, I wasn’t expecting it and it isn’t seen in every pasta that comes along.
7/10.
A correction to the above: I just noticed the purpose of your last paragraph. Unless there’s some overarching joke I’m missing, it looks like you went for a cliche-pasta-ending twofer. I am disappoint.
Hi Disappoint, I’m Dad
Yay! Dad jokes
Have an ice day.
>For a few minutes, all I saw was darkness, and all I heard was silence, but then suddenly, I heard a sound. It sounded like a liquid gurgling sound, and it was coming from the backyard.
Redundancy and wordiness is not a good tool for building tension.
There are a number of problems here:
1. The final paragraph is utterly unnecessary. It belongs in journal-format stories, and even in those it’s a stupid cliche that seldom adds anything of value.
2. The writing appears to be the work of a robot who at one point gets a book of old poetry stuck between two of the cogs in his brain — he mechanically describes his every action and then veers off into narmy-sounding poetics when describing the angelic song.
3. I almost thought this was Minecraft fanfiction at one point, what with the broadsword and the green things.
4. And speaking of fanfiction, your ending is pretty much a worse version of Reprecussions of Evil‘s “And then John was a zombie”, because at least that was foreshadowed one paragraph in advance by “No, John, you are the demons.” There’s no reason for your protag to become a demon except that you wanted to stop writing there.
Your writing could be better if you were less mechanical about everything, but more importantly you need to find something worth writing about. This story has no point to it — character drinks water, character gets attacked by demons, character becomes one and an heroes. You’ve made some attempt to create an atmosphere, but your writing’s not good enough to sustain that. Take a look at Josef K’s work to get an idea of how all that works.
Just shut up, Nobody wants Your Opinion!
If the author wants to continue writing and improving, then she’ll want his opinion.
that was good in my opinion
Well-written, but the story idea wasn’t very creepy. Even the ending – which I wasn’t expecting – couldn’t save it.
Part of the problem was how rushed it felt. There was no build-up, no suspense. It just coldly went from angels to demons.
I also found the longsword a little too convenient.
One last thing: If the demons were just a hallucination and those were real people she killed, what were all those people doing in her yard?
Worst
Barbecue
Ever
oh God that made my day xD
it was alright