A Deal With The Devil

August 30, 2016 at 12:00 AM

Five months ago, I made a deal with the devil.

It sounds so dramatic, but it is so, so simple; and once you know how, it is hard not to.

But you must resist, for if you don’t, you will regret it later. Trust me on that.

First, a little something about me. I’m what you’d call a slacker, a slothful waster, or even a ‘bundle of disappointment’. That’s all anyone’s ever called me. I’ve made peace with that. Truth be told, these epithets have become more truly my friends than any other I’ve ever known, following me everywhere I go and in all things I do. But it does hurt sometimes, for I’m not without feelings of my own, and I have periodically been beset by resentment for these companions of mine.
It was in one of these periods of discontent that the devil approached me with his deal.

That’s what he always does, to all of his victims.

It’s been said before, more often than not on this very website, that when the devil approaches you, he’d affect a character that you’d immediately like and be impressed by. It’s absolutely true. When he first came to me, he seemed more than anything a dazzling showman brimming with charisma and a touch of ridiculousness, not unlike a circus clown.

I’m sorry I can’t be more dramatic, but the truth of the matter is, it happened when I was just sitting at home eating popcorn, and the details of the encounter are too hazy. (for reasons I’d rather not divulge: suffice it to say, I’ve found less than healthy ways to deal with my problems) I remember only two things: the first, an unearthly, unforgettable orange-golden glow emanating from his person, and the second, the indescribable hatred in his words, which seemed to dragged from a deep well of loathing and blinding rage hidden within him.

His offer was simple: he asked of me only that I be a tether for him to this world, and to support him, however I felt, in all his endeavors. In return, he promised me (hindsight is always 20/20, isn’t it) what I had always desired most from this world: to be known, talked about, and a subject of strong feeling among my peers. He was very outspoken about his plans, schemes of evil rarely witnessed before in the world, but I thought then that he was only posturing: surely he would never divulge his plans to a mere mortal. How foolish of me.

Each day, the burden in my heart grew heavier and heavier still, and beset by guilt, I began seeing him everywhere: when I watched TV, he would become one of the characters and spew his hatred and rage on all others; when I walked the streets, I would so often by ambushed by the bright orange glow that I had begun to dread as the very symbol of evil; I have spent the last five months evading him.

And worse still, strangely, it is as if his aura clings to me; everywhere I go, I can feel eyes digging into my very self – disbelieving, disapproving eyes, more full of contempt and dislike than ever before: he offered me a chance to be noticed and felt strongly about – and he has given me that. But the deal is done: it can no longer be called off. I have but myself to blame for that.

But however bad any of these things are, none of them come quite close to the occasions I dread most – his meetings with me. He summons me at times when I least expect; he ambushes me with the sharpest weapons he possesses: his words. For hours on end, he would speak on about the most abhorrent matters imaginable – as I stood motionless and wide-eyed behind him, my lips parted in disbelief and disorientation, the orange-golden glow exuded by him piercing my eyes, he would unravel his dark plans for us, plans I don’t care to elaborate here.

Two weeks ago yesterday, all this came to a head. I have said before that he enjoys ambushing me at times when I had my guard down, and that day he unraveled the worst surprise he had for me: staring at me in five bold, short words from a piece of paper as white as chalk, was the ultimate denunciation and condemnation of all I had endured; the greatest and most heartbreaking disavowal I have ever encountered. Written in a nondescript, matter-of-fact way were the words:


An authentic page from the diary of Chris Christie

Credit: Michael Orwell

Admin Note: Yes, it’s true that I usually keep parodypasta limited to April 1st – but this one is (hopefully) only relevant until November, so I hope everyone will forgive me for making an exception!

The Deer Of Possibilities

April 1, 2016 at 11:00 PM

As I lay in the grass, the warm summer breeze rolling over me, I can’t help but wonder what I did to deserve what had befallen me. I never really hurt anyone, never kicked any puppies or anything like that, but hey, I’m just getting ahead of my self. In order for this to make sense we have to start this story from the beginning.

It was the beginning of May and the weather had finally cleared and dried up a little. I was on my way home from work when a sign for a local petting zoo caught my eye. It was called Fawn-Doe Rosa, a family owned place where you can walk around, pet and feed deer as well as see other furry animals. A little bored with my life at the time I decided I would stop in and support the place, feed and pet a few animals then head home.

As I entered the fenced in area I walked to the far end of a huge pond, towards a small, younger looking buck. As I approached it turned to look at me and hurriedly walked over to get some food from me… or so I thought. I reached out to offer him a carrot; he tilted his head, his dark eyes staring straight into my soul. We stood stock still for a good minute before it spoke, causes me to jump in surprise.

“Hello Neil,” It spoke in a voice very similar to Morgan Freeman, “You’re a very special person and I know you’ll help me. I can’t ask this of just anyone. I really need your help and have a favor to ask of you.”

“You can talk?!” I stammered.

“Yes, Yes I’m a talking deer, but all that aside, I just need a small easy favor. I’ll make it worth your while and reward you, even.”

“How can you… a deer reward me, a human? You going to give me lettuce?” I chuckled.

“All you have to do is make a sign, saying ‘found lost dog’, with your cell phone number on it, then post it up outside the main office.”

“That would be lying. I don’t have anyone’s dog.”

“I already know you will do it Neil, less ask-ey, more do-ey.” It demanded, waving him away with its hoof.

Long story short I did what it asked. Later that night I got a phone call, asking what the dog I found had looked like, ironically I had found a dog outside my apartment complex not an hour earlier and described him to the owner. Turns out they were a very wealthy family and gave me a 20,000 dollar reward for finding and taking care of their championship, pure bread. The next day I went back to the zoo and the magical, unicorn deer was waiting for me.

“Let me be the first to congratulate you on your reward,” he began, “To introduce myself my name is Deer, I see what will be and what can be. As you can tell, me being a deer makes doing things I want done hard and or impossible for me to handle. So from time to time I have been known to seek out special people such as your self to do these simple tasks for me and in doing so receiving a reward for your actions.”

“This is too good to be true.” I grumbled shaking my head.

“I want you to know I will never lie to you or make you do anything illegal. At times the things you do may lead to something bad happening to someone else, but ultimately it will be balanced out with something good happening to you.”

At first the thought of bad stuff happening to others deterred me, but nothing good ever seemed to happen to me, so why not switch things up a little.

“What’s in it for you?” I asked.

“From the tasks you will accomplish I will be able to construct a masterpiece, one that will make my existence worth while.” He answered, with a creepy toothy grin.

“You have yourself a deal Deer.” I said with a sigh.

The next few months went by fast, especially with keeping busy doing the tasks the Deer wanted. I had done around twenty or so tasks, learning a little bit about Deer’s history along the way. He had actually been a famous palm reader and jester thousands of years back. A joke of his however went terribly wrong. When one of the princes he was entertaining got offended and had him executed, his spirit lived on through the ages, reaching out to whoever would listen. To be honest I was happier than I had ever been those past few months than I had been in my entire life. I had money, women, a good job and a great place to live. Everything was going good, till now.
This morning I was told to put a semi-driver on a shift just a little longer than usual. I did what I was asked and in doing so a coworker of mine that originally would have given a coupon for a free meal and visit at Fawn-Doe Rosa, gave the coupon to me. So I took a longer lunch break and headed out to the petting zoo for lunch. I brought my lunch over to Deer and we shared my meal in silence. I had gotten up to leave when Deer spoke.

“I’m afraid our time together is running short, as I said before I see what will be and what can be. What goes around comes back around.” He finished singing the Justin Timberlake song.

“Wait what do you mean?” I asked confused.

“Why, my masterpiece of course,” Deer chuckled, “Everything you have done for me has lead to this exact moment, starting with the poster and ending with the shift change.”

“Wait what’s going to happen?” I asked starting to freak out and debating on whether to high tail it or not.

“There is no use in running,” Deer stated bluntly, “As I said before, I have been planning this moment for a few months now. I knew, without a doubt you would help. To humor you a bit I will tell you how it all plays out, because no matter what you do my masterpiece will be complete. It all started with the dog you found, which allowed for him to be returned home. The next task, the one with the quarter, caused a child to jam a toy machine. He got upset and his mom got so worked up she had a heart attack, so they had to call in someone to take over her dog watching job for the day. The substitute watcher, being the man you told he sucks at life. He got upset and was very distracted at work today and accidentally lost the dog he was supposed to be taking care of. Then I had you go to a bar and move a beer a few inches, which caused someone to spill it on another person. The one guy got mad, throwing a beer bottle at the other guy, which hit a baseball trophy case, causing it to shatter. You tried to help the bartender find the missing ball but she got so smitten by you she completely forgot about the missing ball. Well a kid found that ball and is playing baseball with it as we speak. Then the shift you changed today, he was already working a double shift, now he is really exhausted and his reaction time is a little slow.” Deer let out a loud sneeze and turned to look across the road.

“But what does this have to do with me?” I asked dreading to hear the answer. He just nodded towards the road. I slowly turned to face the road as I heard a kid crying and chasing a dog with a baseball in its mouth. The kid stopped to catch his breath as the dog entered the road, then turning to face the kid to see if he was still following, he playfully crouched and wagged his tail. I jumped as a semi- blared his horn, too little too late… the dog exploded into bits and pieces on the fender of the trucks cabin. That’s when the ball caught my eye. It bounced into the wheel well of the rear tire, then without warning came rocketing towards me. I Covered my head and chest with my arms, hoping to protect myself, but the ball wasn’t after my face or chest. Clocking easily at well over a hundred miles per hour, the ball hit me directly in the ball sack. I immediately fell to the floor gagging and puking all over the place. All the while, Deer was prancing around laughing hysterically.

“Get shrekt scrub,” he howled, “Your- your face is so priceless ahahaha! Best prank ever!”

Looking around frantically, I found a rather large rock by the pond, sneaking up behind Deer and raising it over my head while he still laughed uncontrollably. He whipped around as he caught sight of my shadow looming over him.

“Oh shit.” He gasped, as I brought the large stone upon his head, killing him instantly.

I sighed heavily, hobbling over to my car and driving straight to the hospital. A few hours later, surprise, surprise, I found out I am no longer able to bear children. With my testicles swollen to the size of tennis balls, I couldn’t help but shake my head in disgust. I lay down in the grass, swearing to myself. Looks like the Deer would have the last laugh…

Credit: Blake L. Patrick


April 1, 2016 at 9:00 PM

Thunder crashed and I sat up in my bed, startled out of a fitful sleep. I rubbed my eyes groggily and looked around the room, then got up and stumbled to the bathroom. As I relieved myself, I thought I heard something in hallway outside my bedroom. My ears perked up and I listened intently for a second, then dismissed it as wind from the storm. I stumbled sleepily back to my bed and, just as I was about to fall asleep, heard a loud crash from beyond my bedroom door. Whatever it was, it was heavy enough to shake the house when it fell. I sat up quickly, my heart racing. My brain scrambled, looking frantically for a logical explanation and couldn’t find one. I didn’t have any heavy objects that were overly unbalanced and the storm wasn’t that bad. I slowly got up out of bed, and heard a low growl, followed by the shatter of breaking glass. I immediately froze, terrified out of my wits. Adrenaline pumped through my veins as I slowly inched towards the door. Once I reached the door I slowly reached for the door handle, then froze. I considered going out to investigate the noises, then realized that’s a stupid idea and why the hell had I even considered that? Only stupid people do that. I then huddled in a corner and browsed reddit until it was day. When I exited my room in the morning, I found my basement had been vandalized and there was writing on the wall in what looked like blood, but upon further investigation, it was revealed to be ketchup. It said LEAFE NOW. I read this and pondered for a while, then went to the fridge, got a bottle of ketchup, then commented underneath it “not very original and your grammar is abysmal. I think you just need to scrap this one and move on to another idea.” I then left the basement, grabbed a can of gasoline, dumped it into the basement, and lit it ablaze. Why wouldn’t you do that, when it’s obvious that there’s something wrong with the house. Like srsly ppl.

Credit: AidenBoBaiden

Darkness Unfolds

April 1, 2016 at 6:00 PM

I’ve decided to put this down to writing, since I’m not sure anyone else has experienced this. If anyone has, please get in touch ASAP, since this is getting worrying.

A few weeks ago, I’d started experiencing fuzzy vision. I’d be doing whatever, eating, writing, be on my bike, and my vision would get all blurry and sometimes I even fell down… I decided not to tell anyone. It was no use worrying them, I was probably just tired.

These started getting more and more regular. Now strange shapes had started to dance around like shadows cast by a fire, contorting into snarling, disturbing faces. They formed into shapes, a hanged man, a woman with no eyes, a dog with its belly ripped open, a small child with it’s wrists cut, lying on the ground… I closed my eyes when it got too disturbing, but I could somehow still see the visions in my head.

I decided to get it to stop. I contacted a so-called paranormal expert on the Internet and waited for a reply. He said to meet him the next day.

That night, I had the worst bout of all of them so far. I started sweating uncontrollably and felt as if darks clouds were closing in on me, the blue gap between them slowly fading and giving way to darkness. Then I had a series of violent spasms, and saw a black figure on the ceiling. He was not deformed and rapidly changing shapes like the others, he clearly had the figure of a hunched back man. As he slowly came into focus I could start seeing his features, and in colour too. He was an old man with gouged eyes, and two holes in his hand. The wounds looked fresh, and a drop of blood even trickled down and hit my bedsheets.

The man beckoned to me. “Come forth, and see the truth.” I got out of my bed and he grasped my hand and we flew out the window. He showed me the UK, then we flew higher and he showed me the world. At this point I could no longer breath and choked to death.

The last words I ever heard haunt me to this day. Dark, disturbing words. Full of an unknown evil power.

“Oh bugger, you guys don’t breathe in space do you”

Credit To – SDR

I Am The Fish King

April 1, 2016 at 3:00 PM

I am the fish king stalking the waters to fill you with fright
I am the fish king you’ll never leave my sight
I am the fish I am the night

I am the fish king you see
there is no other fish king only me
I am the fish king blood will soak the walls
I see you running down the hall
I watch you stumble I watch you fall
I am the fish king I see it all

I am the fish king you’ll never be free
I am the fish king and terror ill bring
I am the fish king
and the last thing you’ll see

I am the fish king stalking the waters to fill you with fright
I am the fish king you’ll never leave my sight
I am the fish I am the night


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