You’re Too Slow

April 1, 2015 at 6:00 AM
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Today has gone by very quickly for you. School went by fast. You came home and started playing your NES, which ended in the defeat of Super Mario Bros in under an hour. After, you went for an a 3 mile jog, and ended it in under 15 minutes. As the day briskly goes by, you are feeling extremely confident about how your accomplishing abilities has risen over the expected norm. With this explosion of self-confidence you raise your arms over your head and shout, “I’m the fastest this world has ever known!” The day accelerates into night and you take an abrupt shower, ending in 5 minutes, and go to bed. You turn the lights off swiftly and close you eyes, rapidly falling into a deep sleep right as your head hits the pillow. In your dreams, you are running in the Olympics, and your opponents are eating your dust due to how agile you are. Suddenly, you are pulled out of your dream and open your eyes in a flash, immediately seeing a spiky headed blue figure clad in large red shoes with his arms crossed. Fear travels through you like lightning, since you have only seen this thing in video games. You blink and when you open your eyes, the blue form is now beside you. He leans down, staring his merciless green eyes into your very soul. The smirk he has sets you on edge. He comes close to your face and whispers…”You’re too slow.” Confused, you stare at him then blink…and he is gone except for the arrogant laughter he left behind. You sit up and wildly sprint out of your bed, refusing to be beaten. You jump down the stairs and throw the door open hurriedly, to see the blue hedgehog standing in the road under a lamplight, staring right at you. “Come on! Step it up!” Then you blink and he was gone. You fall you your knees in anguish. You were too slow. You die.

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The League of Creepypasta Supervillains

April 1, 2015 at 4:00 AM
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Introduction:

In every major city in the world there is an old abandoned warehouse that is home to the local League of Creepypasta Supervillains. This league varies depending on the location, but today we going to focus on a very special league that makes its home in Burlington, Vermont. This supervillain group is composed of some of the very well-known villains on the internet including Jeff the Killer, Slenderman, Jane The Killer, Black Eyes Kids, and the organization leader, Ben (Drowned).

Today we join our antiheroes as they attend the annual League evaluation. You see, to stay in the LOCS, each member has to prove that they are scary enough to be part of the organization. If they can’t prove their worth, they are moved to the League’s sister organization, the Alliance of Trollpasta Supervillains. Once there they must undergo thorough training in the scary arts until they are creepy enough to be accepted back into the League again.

As the head of the Burlington League, Ben (Drowned) is issuing all of the tests on this fine Halloween Eve. And so another year of evaluations is set to take place.

The Evaluation:

Ben (Drowned) Looked over his recruits with an obvious look of distain. He always hated evaluation day because his group of supervillains always barely made the cut. He shook his head as he paced back and forth in front of them.

“Well it’s that time of year again when I have to put you maggots to the test. Of all the supervillains I could have received from headquarters I got you sorry pathetic excuses for creepypasta terrors. Did you know that the London branch has Jack the Ripper? As in the real guy? And what do I get stuck with? You rejects! You better have improved since the last evaluation or being transferred to the AOTS will be the least of your worries. Do you understand?”

All of the members said, “Sir, yes sir!” in unison except for Slendy who held up a sign that said the same thing as he didn’t have a mouth to speak with. Ben (Drowned) sighed and put a clipboard he was holding to eye-level so he could read the names of the members he had to evaluate first. When he read it he grumbled something to himself and then said louder, “Black Eyed Kids, I need you to step forward now!”

There were many BEKs in the world as they were the unfulfilled souls of children and teenager so naturally each organization had a few. In this particular branch there were four: Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde each named after the Pac Man ghosts by headquarters as they had long forgotten their original names. Ben (Drowned) felt this was a mockery of his organization by headquarters as his branch held the bottom of the barrel supervillains. But since it was an order from above, there wasn’t much he could do about it. This added to his annoyance over his position in the organization. He was part of the Zelda franchise for God’s sake. Couldn’t they cut him some slack?

At the moment Ben (Drowned) was thinking of renegotiating his contract with Headquarters the BEKS stepped forward, each staring at him with their soulless black eyes. Ben (Drowned) was unfazed. Their eyes might have been soulless but the way they were placed on the children made them look more like oversized Precious Moments dolls than anything else. He tapped his fingers against the clipboard and gave each one a glance up and down.

“You BEKS are as lame as ever I see,” he began, noting that they had updated their clothing to reflect the latest trends among adolescents, preteens, and teens.

“But I won’t hold your apparent lack of ghost apparel against you as you have other assets to work with like, oh I don’t know, THE THING YOU WERE NAMED AFTER.”

At this he got in the face of each one and yelled, “What the heck is with those cute eyes, huh? You are supposed to be terrors of the night, not some anime Chibi rejects!”

The BEKS immediately changed their eyes to something more fitting their description and then they each said in unison, “Sir, yes sir!”

Ben (Drowned) grunted.

“That’s more like it. Now, each one of you will give me a report of your best scare of the year. I will start with…Inky.”

Inky, a BEK with long black hair and a blue baseball cap gave a salute and stepped forward.

“Sir, yes sir. I will now tell you about my best scare, sir!”

Ben (Drowned) rubbed his temples, mentally preparing himself for what he was about to hear.

“Just get on with it.”

Inky nervously shuffled in place.

“Eh…Yes sir. Well last Tuesday I think I really scared this kid who was at the supermarket with his mom. But then I felt kind of bad so I invited him over to my place to play a game of hide and seek with the other BEKS. His mom was kind of getting worried though so I brought him back without his memories and put him somewhere the mom could find him. But you could tell she was really worried when he was gone. I must have given her the scare of the century! I did good this time boss, didn’t I?”

Inky’s look of enthusiasm was met with a deadpan expression from Ben (Drowned).

“That has to be THE LAMEST excuse for a ghost story I have heard since…well the last time you gave me a report. Get back in formation before I get angry.”

Inky gave a quick salute and scrambled back to the lineup.

Ben (Drowned) let out a heavy sigh and called the next recruit forward.

“Blinky, it’s your turn to report. I hope your story will be more thrilling than the last.”

The BEK wearing a red baseball cap with short, wavy black hair stepped forward.

“Yes sir! I think you will be pleased with my report. A few weeks ago I morphed my body into the shape of a professor and taught a class about parasites! You should have seen how scared the students were when they left. Even I was a bit grossed out by the topic. I think this is my best scare yet!”

Ben (Drowned) glared at the recruit for a few moments in silence, letting his disapproval of Blinky’s antics sink in.

Then he barked, “I am not sure how you managed to beat the complete and utter lack terror present in the last story, but somehow you did. In fact that story was so bad, that I am almost inclined to say it is good out of sheer irony. Now get back in the lineup and reflect on being a better ghost will you?”

Blinky nodded furiously and then got back in formation.

Ben (Drowned) sat looking at the next name on the list for a few moments before continuing on. He considered not calling her name at all as he was certain she had nothing valuable to report but he knew that would be against the rules of headquarter so he called her forward anyway.

“Pinky, get out here and tell me about your progress. I say progress because I know for a fact you haven’t been terrorizing anyone. Well, give a report anyway.”

Pinky, a BEK with shoulder length black hair parted into two braids which sat on each side of her face and wearing a pink baseball cap stepped forward.

“Yay, I love story time!”

Ben (Drowned) rolled his eyes.

“Unfortunately, I know this all too well. Get on with it.”

Pinky grinned.

“A few days ago, I went to the arcade and played DDR with a group of teenagers. It was so much fun! I managed to hide my eyes pretty good too. One guy even said I was pretty. I might have a boyfriend! Of course he will need to get over the whole me being a ghost thing. But anything is possible with true love, wouldn’t you agree? I am so excited to introduce him to the other BEKs. I’m inviting him over for a gaming day at my place next week.”

Ben (Drowned) let out a heavy sigh.

“I would tell you to stop dating the people you are supposed to scare, but I’ve given up on trying to teach you any kind of common sense. It’s not worth the effort. Just…just get back in line before I say things I don’t mean.”

Pinky said, “Okay!” And then giggled as she skipped back into formation.

Ben (Drowned) look down at his clipboard trying to ignore the pinching sensation beginning to form at the sides of his temples which he feared might be another stress induced headache coming on.

“Alright, I saved the best for last. And I use that word in the context of the rest of you of course who have somehow managed to do worse than when you reported to me last year. This is a feat I thought was impossible. But oh how I was proved wrong. Clyde, please tell me that you have at least one thing noteworthy to report. Just one thing.”

The BEK in question, who had short spiky black hair and wore an orange baseball cap, stepped forward.

“I’ve got a good one for you sir!”

Ben (Drowned) remained expressionless.

“Oh how the word ‘good’ has lost its meaning to me over the years of working with you people. In case, do carry on.”

Clyde gave a sideways grin.

“This one is a killer. You see, a few weeks ago, I made myself look like an obese plumber and I stormed into the girl’s dressing room of a high school. To add to the effect I told them that I needed to fix a leaky faucet. I think some plumbers crack was visible in the back of my getup too which added to the overall creepiness. They all screamed upon seeing my fat, harry, sweaty plumber form. Of course I think a lot of it was due to the fact that I was a guy in the girl’s locker room. But let me tell you, they all were running and screaming within minutes of me going in. It was great!”

Ben (Drowned) had to physically keep himself from tossing the clipboard on the floor in front of him and storming away from the group of rejects in defeat.

After taking a few deep healing breaths he thought long and hard about what he was going to tell the BEKs.

Then he leaned in close to each one and shouted, “Somehow each of you has managed to get the lowest scare rankings in the history of our organization. The ONLY reason this surprises me is because I really didn’t think you could do worse than the last time, but your latest adventures have really taken the cake. You’ve all earned yourselves one way passes to the Alliance of Trollpasta Supervillains unless you can think of one good reason why I should torture myself by keeping you here!”

Pinky giggled and twirled the end of one of her braids around her fingers.

“Oh, I know. We recruited more members. Doesn’t that give us an automatic pass no matter what?”

Ben (Drowned) nodded.

“Unfortunately…yes. That is how you sorry excuses for creatures of the night end up passing your test every year and continuing to annoy me with your presences in this organization. As a formality I am going to tell you how to improve, although I doubt any amount of advice I give will be of any help to you.”

“Sir, yes sir!” They said in unison, eager to receive their evaluations.

Ben (Drowned) mumbled some words under his breath and then pointed at Inky.

“I’ll start with You! When you haunt kids and take them away, DON’T BRING THEM BACK. I don’t care how sad or lonely they are. That is ghost lesson number one.”

“Yes sir!” Said Inky, happy to receive her orders from the boss.

Ben (Drowned) put a checkmark next to her name and then pointed at Blinky.

“As for you, giving educational lessons to the youth is NOT IN YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION! Next time, turn into your ghost form and scare kids the way you are supposed to. Do you understand?”

Blinky gave an earnest salute.

“Sir, yes sir!” He said and then wrote down the advice on how he could improve on a small notepad he had brought to the meeting.

Ben (Drowned) put a checkmark next to his name and then pointed to Pinky.

“And as for you…I don’t even know where to begin. There is so much wrong with your approach to scarring people that I wouldn’t have enough time to list everything. But you can start by scaring kids and STOP TRYING TO DATE THEM. Are we clear on this?”

Pinky let out an exasperated sigh.

“Fine. I’ll cancel my date with Travis. He probably wouldn’t understand that I’m a ghost anyway.”

Ben (Drowned) put a mark next to Pinky’s name and then pointed to Clyde.

“Last but certainly not least, is you. Out of this entire group of BEK idiots you have the most potential. But your approach is always wrong. Let me just inform you, that walking into the girl’s locker room disguised as a fat plumber is NOT SCARY IN THE LEAST. Next time, appear in the locker room in your ghost form and I don’t know, add in some wailing sounds or something for effect. Do I need to spell it out for you?”

“No sir! I’ll do better next time sir!” He said, after giving a quick salute.

Ben (Drowned) checked his notes to make sure they would meet the organization’s approval and then turned back to face the members of his branch with a large frown on his face.

“Although I would like to believe that you idiots will follow my advice, I have my doubts. Now I will move onto the next evaluation before my headache gets any worse.”

He looked at the next name on the list and then said, “Jeff The Killer, please step forward and tell me your best scare of the year. Hurry up. I don’t have all day.”

Jeff stepped forward and stared at Ben (Drowned) with his yellow, lidless eyes.

“Sir, yes sir! Jeffy The Killer is reporting in.”

Ben (Drowned) took a good look at Jeff from top to bottom and then rubbed his forehead with his thumb and index finger. His headache was getting worse by the second and he still had a long way to go.

“I have told you this multiple times, Jeff. Stop wearing clown makeup. And stop making your body appear white to add to the effect. If you look like a clown, you character will be too similar to the joker and the organization doesn’t want another lawsuit on their hands.”

Jeff stuck out his lower lip in a pouting motion.

“Aww, why so serious?”

Ben (Drowned) promptly smacked Jeff over the head with his clipboard.

“And that’s another thing; stop using the Joker’s catchphrases. It is going to get us in trouble with DC comics. Do you understand?”

Jeff shrugged and snapped his fingers. No sooner had he done so, all of the clown pain melted away. However, the white ghostly complexion still remained. Ben (Drowned) tapped his foot impatiently.

“You’ve gotten rid of the clown makeup. Now the pasty, white completion has got to go. Come on. Stop wasting all of our time.”

Jeff let out a sigh and snapped his fingers again. His skin turned into a pale blue color with darkened edges.

“I like my white skin though, Benny. I would only do this for you.”

Ben (Drowned) shot Jeff a look.

“Do NOT call me Benny. You know that I hate that. Now, get on with telling me about your best scare of the year.”

Jeff laughed manically and then said, “Oh this is a good one. It will put all of the other reports to shame, I can guarantee that!”

Ben (Drowned) huffed.

“Yes, well I’ll be the judge of that. Go on.”

Jeff rubbed his hands together as if he was plotting something wicked and then said, “Three months ago I snuck into a man’s house and starting making ghostly noises. You know, the door slamming. The floorboards creaking. All of the standard stuff. I did this every night for a month. Then I started letting him hear the unsettling noises during the day, everywhere he went. The guy thought he had lost his mind! Then at the last minute I appeared and told him to Go To Sleep. Unfortunately, he was completely crazy by then so for some reason he thought I was funny. I ended up being his personal jester for a few weeks until they carted him off to the loony bin. But before that, he really was scared. You should have seen the look on his face hearing the same creepy noises night after night. It was classic!”

Ben (Drowned)’s expression remained unchanged.

“So you mean to tell me that your biggest accomplishment this year is helping to push an already mentally disturbed person off the deep end? Oh but it doesn’t end there. Your victim thought you were funny. They even sounded like they enjoyed getting carted away to the funny farm. It isn’t our job to entertain crazy people! Get back in formation right now so I can give you your full evaluation.”

Jeff cocked his head to one side.

He muttered, “Hmm…I thought it was a good one for sure,” before floating back to his space in line next to the other organization members.

Ben (Drowned) stared Jeff down and roared, “You barely passed this year’s evaluation on account of the fact that your approach was creative. But like usual, your execution was WAY OFF. You are a mascot pasta. Your job is to scare your victims; not drive them to the loony bin. And you certainly don’t entertain them for laughs. Do you understand?”

Jeff brought his head up from its sideways pose and gave a lazy salute.

“Whatever you say Benny.”

Ben (Drowned) Smacked Jeff with his clipboard again and then checked Jeff’s name off of the list.

“I told you not to call me that. Anyway, off to the next member. Let’s see here…”

Jeff glanced at the next name and turned pale. It was the first time since the meeting started that he genuinely felt intimidated. He tried not to let his discomfort show as he called the next name.

“Jane The Killer, please step forward.”

Jane slinked forward from the lineup of organization members, giggling insanely as she went.

“I like it when it’s my turn to play.” She said between crazed chuckles.

Ben (Drowned) cleared his throat.

“Well, you aren’t really here to play, are you? Just give me a summary of the best scary thing you’ve done this year so we can get this meeting over with.”

Jane giggled some more and then said, “Before I came to the meeting, I set all of your houses on fire. I liked watching them slowly burn to ash one by one. I felt that it went well with that old kid’s song, so I sung along as the houses burned. Ring around the rosie, Pockets full of poesies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down. See, see how well it goes? It was ever so delightful. Judging by the way all of you are looking at me right now, I think I did a good job of scarring people. That should give me an automatic pass for sure.”

Ben (Drowned) remained silent as he immediately took out his cellphone to dial in a 5-8 emergency. Two men in suits showed up in front of him a few minutes later and waited for further instruction.

Ben pointed toward where the company houses were located with a grim look on his face.

“Jane set the organization housing units on fire. Get all of the personnel gathered and fix the problem as quickly as possible. Use supernatural building techniques if necessary. I expect a complete rebuild by the end of the meeting.”

The two men saluted and ran off to gather more men to complete the task. With the immediate problem solved, Ben (Drowned) instructed Jane to get back in line and await her evaluation. Jane complied, laughing insanely as she went.

Ben (Drowned) shot Jane a look and yelled, “You crazy little pop tart. You are full aware that it is against organization policy to scare or harm fellow LOCS members. That little stunt of yours has surely earned you a one way ticket to the Alliance of Trollpasta Supervillains. That is unless by some miracle you can think of way to redeem yourself.”

Jane was silent for a few minutes, enjoying the extreme fear she had driven into the hearts of her fellow teammates.

Ben (Drowned) impatiently tapped his fingers against the main face of his clipboard.

“I’m waiting.”

Jane gave a creepy smile and said, “I recruited a new member a few days ago. She is my new special friend. According to organization rules, that means I get an automatic pass. Here she is!”

Jane held up the famous haunted Ragedy Anne doll Annabell. Annabell gave a salute with one of her patchwork arms.

Ben (Drowned) shook his head.

“I don’t even want to know how you managed to get your hands on that…thing. Very well. As Annabell will probably up the scary level of our organization, you get a pass by recommendation. But don’t you ever pull a crazy stunt like that on fellow organization members again. Have I made myself clear?”

Jane giggled.

“Oh I won’t cause any more trouble for the organization. Annabell and I will be too busy making new friends.”

The thought of Annabell and Jane causing trouble together sent a chill up Ben’s spine. He shook off the feeling as he placed a check next to Jane’s name and moved on to evaluate the last member on the list.

“Slenderman, it is your turn.”

Slenderman came floating forward from the lineup, his back tentacles moving in all directions as he went.

Ben (Drowned) gave him a look up and down and rolled his eyes.

“You are still wearing that suit, I see. How many times do I have to tell you that dressing like that does not make you look intimidating?”

Slendy held up a sign that read, “It makes me look stylish.”

Ben (Drowned) let out a heavy sigh.

“Well headquarters doesn’t really impose a dress code, so I can’t fault you on wanting to keep up with the latest fashion trends.”

Upon mentioning fashion, the BEKs all giggled in the line.

“Anyways,” Ben (Drowned) continued, “Get on with telling me about your best scare of the year so we can end this meeting and all go home. Well that is provided the organization cleanup team has fixed the company houses by then.”

He shot Jane a look after saying that, who simply chuckled and started to brush Annabell’s hair.

Slendy nodded and held up various signs which together spelled out his story.

All together the signs read, “You are going to love my story. Four months ago, I snuck into the theater four times and watched all the latest releases for free. Last week I double parked my bike on the way back from giving candy to children at the park. On many different occasions I jay walked right in front of the cops. Of course they couldn’t see me as I was in invisible at the time, but I still did it. I even…”

Slendy paused for dramatic effect and then held up some other signs that read, “Didn’t show up for work! You know because I took that office job as a hobby. Isn’t my social disobedience scary?”

Ben (Drowned) pinched the bridge of his nose, deep in thought about what he should say next. His headache was almost reaching a nuclear level at this point. After taking a few calming breaths, he walked up to Slenderman and shouted, “You are a creepypasta mascot like Jeff. Your job isn’t to be a rebel on your days off. It is to scare people. I don’t care how you do it…I don’t even want to know what you are doing until next year’s evaluation. My heart wouldn’t be able to take any more bad scary stories until that time. But however you figure out how to scare people…do it! Now get back in line so I can give you your full report.”

Slenderman held up a sign that said, “K den,” and floated back into line next to his other teammates.

Ben (Drowned) towered over Slendy and barked, “The next time you are at the theater, scare the people watching the movies while you are there! While you are double parking your bike or jaywalking scare any police officer you come across! When you are at the park, strike terror into the hearts of children; DO NOT GIVE THEM CANDY. While you are working at your office job, take some time to intimidate your office mates. It isn’t that hard to figure out but I’ve spelled it out for you. Do you think you can do those simple tasks at the very least? Huh?”

Slenderman nodded furiously and held up a sign that said, “I’ll do my best.”

Ben (Drowned) rubbed his temples and put a check next to Slenderman’s name before continuing on.
“Once again, you barely passed your evaluation. The only reason you passed is on the promise of improvement. You better work hard to scare some people or I am shipping you off to the Alliance of Trollpasta Supervillains for extra training. Do you understand me?”

Slendy held up a sign that said, “Sir, yes sir!”

Ben (Drowned) took out some headache suppressant medication he kept in his pocket and downed a few pills before continuing on.

Once he started the pills to take effect he said, “Your evaluations are over. You are free to take the rest of the day off or oh, I don’t know, actually go out and scare some people.”

Ben (Drowned)’s cell phone vibrated. He answered the call, made some confirmation noises, and then flipped it close, ending the call before turning to face the recruits again.

“It looks like all of the company houses have been rebuilt. You are now also free to return home if you like. So all that being said, this seventh annual evaluation meeting of the League of Creepy Supervillains is officially closed.”

The organization members all gave a final salute and then wandered off to either take the rest of the day off, head home, or work on their various scaring techniques.

Ben (Drowned) watched them all leave, the headache starting to fade if only a little bit. The only highlight of that entire ordeal was that the organization had gained a somewhat credible member in Annabell. He would call her into the office and take care of her paperwork later.

For now he just wanted to forget everything that had just taken place. He returned to his company home, popped in the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and used it to connect with another Zelda player somewhere in the world. As the player made their way to the Happy Mask Salesman, Ben popped up behind him in his ghost form and said, “help me. I…am Ben.” Ben watched as the player dropped his controller and screamed. He smiled. It was the perfect end to any meeting.

Credit To – Emma Lee Downs

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Just Another Haunted House Story

April 1, 2015 at 2:00 AM
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Some people are born to explore, while some are born to sit at home and waste away in their solitude. Some people have a burning passion in their hearts, and all too often that passion consumes them. These people are often exiled, the energy they produce is too vibrant for the blackened world around them, clouded by the rules and regulations laid down in a feeble attempt to control the ways of man. These people either douse the fire, extinguishing their sole reason for living, or feed it with adventure and exploration.

One such explorer was Kate Brown, a fiery woman who decided to live in the darker realms of life and lived to chart the uncharted. She and her new agency, The Spirit Room, were a collection of these degraded misfits. Ridiculed by the non-believers, they searched tirelessly for evidence of their obsession, and yearned for validation to their personal dogmas. Despite having not yet found this conclusive evidence, The Spirit Room team was one of the most renown supernatural investigators in the world, often turning down viable investigations due to the sheer distance from their hometown and Headquarters, Knoxville, Tennessee.

Despite the distance, The Spirit Room team took up this investigation, concluding that, as their leader and owner Samuel said, “This is the one.” A week prior, The Spirit Room had been alerted of a crime recently committed at a house on the outskirts of Orlando. Three teenagers were brutally murdered, their hearts and organs removed and hung from the ceiling. When the autopsies were conducted the coroners found bite and scratch marks all over their bodies, and found the incision marks to be rough and jagged, done by a dull knife with extreme force. This crime was only one in a series of over 20 murders reported to have happened in the house, all unexplainable with no culprits ever having been caught. 650 Miles, several fast food burgers and a sketchy hotel stay later; the team arrived in Orlando Florida, “The City Beautiful.” After arriving at the Orange Horn hotel, the team spent no time before heading to their location.

When Kate emerged from the car, she was blinded by a bright light. The sun shone vibrantly on the torn road, cluttered with rocks and stones, the petty remainders of a city long overgrown. At first glance she mistook the town for a forest, with the long vines blooming on the rotting wood frames, the flowers and saplings in full bloom, and the nests and tracks of animals scattered across the landscape. Only upon further inspection did she realize that yes, this indeed was a town, and yes, people did once indeed live here. She stepped into the soft mud, and dirtied her well-worn combat boots unloading the equipment from the back of the car.

The house to be investigated in particular was well rotted, the floor shattering into a million wood chips and creating a rush of ants and beetles when the home base system was set up. The air was ripe with the smells of rotting flesh and mildew, with hints of feces and urine. With the help of Samuel and Daniel, The video and sound technician, they succeeded in rigging the house for surveillance. The equipment had been barely set up before night fell, and the men scrambled to test the equipment and to equalize out the sound before any activity started.

As the men continued on this endeavor, Kate decided to explore the old house, to get an idea of the layout which was becoming increasingly dark with each minute that passed by. As she ascended the moist and unstable stairs she could feel the wood give under each stride. She arrived upon a hallway devoid of windows and was forced to finally light her lantern in order to see. Unlike most investigators of her day, The Spirit Room chose to use traditional kerosene lanterns because they found some ghosts more easily identified with them, where newer electric lights often scared away the ghosts. At the end of the hallway was a large pile of sticks and leaves, covered in scurrying black shapes and emitting sharp squeaks through the halls. The air was thick from the humid and rotting house, and as Kate looked to her left, finding a doorless room to which she promptly entered. As his lantern filled the room with light her gaze found a room full of paintings from ceiling to floor, on every wall, rotting and falling apart, many of them indistinguishable. In the center of the back wall was a giant painting that was flaking off at the edges and surrounded by a molding wood frame. The painting was of a landscape full of lush life, a small river coursing through the center with fish jumping out and a turtle on its bank. The sun was setting upon the serene exposition and for a brief second, Kate forgot that she was in a house soaked with the blood of innocents.

Sensing that it was getting time to begin the investigation, Kate turned around and began to walk out the door before she noticed yet another painting, hung all alone in the hallway. Unlike the others, this painting was pristine, and possessed an almost glossy quality to it. It was of a young boy climbing a tall tree in the African savannah, with a blood orange red sun above it. Below the tree was a group of three natives, with expressions of horror on their faces as the tree was engulfed in vibrant red flames. The natives faces stared deep into Kate’s eyes, and she felt the utmost sympathy. Kate reach out her hand towards the painting a stroked one of the natives faces, leaving a large black smear across the painting.

In shock, she stumbled backwards from the painting, and it fell to the ground with a large crash. “Kate? You okay?” she heard from downstairs. “Just knocked something over that’s all” replied Kate in the most courageous voice she could muster. Quickly wiping the paint off on her jeans, she ran downstairs.

“Arighty Kate, so here’s your head camera”, Daniel said, placing the heave headband on her. “This is hooked back to my computer so I can see exactly what you are seeing.” “We’re going to start by exploring the upstairs areas, than the bottom floor, than well split up and I’ll explore the garden and you’ll explore the basement.” Said Samuel. “Is that a good idea? We really shouldn’t split up why don’t we just go to both together.” Kate replied, remembering what had happened earlier and feeling the first signs of fear setting in. “No, we don’t have enough time for that. Also, those are the two most haunted places so we need to observe them at peak activity hour if we want to find anything.” Samuel said, leaving no room for discussion. “Here, take this whistle, it blows at a higher frequency than dog whistles, so if anything starts to get out of hand it should take away any activity you were observing.” Kate accepted the long snakelike tool with gratitude felling that this would be the one time she would end up using it.

Once again, Kate ascended the decaying stairs, this time with her much heavier partner, Samuel. Kate waited at the top of the stairs for Samuel, who was much slower than her. When he finally reached the top of the stairs Kate promptly turned to her right and towards the rats nest. “Left or right?” Said Samuel “Right.” Kate replied. The both turned their separate ways, each into a separate doorway. The room that Kate entered was empty, barren of anything resembling a human living space. Covered in mold and feces the floor was almost unseen. A small glass window with one large crack down the center was on the wall. Walking through the filth, she reached the window and gazed out. Kate saw a small creek in the distance and could hear the bubbling of the waters. Not wanting to let Daniel think she wasn’t serious about this investigation, she turned away from the window only to find a porcelain doll lying in the center of the room, gently placed on top of the sea of excrement. “That wasn’t there before…” Kate muttered under her breathe timidly. She hoped Daniel was watching this. Sensing her opportunity, Kate withdrew her EVP recorder and turned it on. Tschhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Static. She sighed and turned the recorder off. Kate figured she must have overlooked the doll earlier and it was there all along.

Tapping her boots off, Kate walked into the hallway, Samuel nowhere to be found. She looked around and began to panic before realizing he was simply in the bathroom of this room. “Did you find anything?” Samuel said inquisitively. “Nothing, you?” she replied calmly “Nothing.”

They moved down the hallway into the room the Kate had previously been in, and once again she was captivated by the painting of the river. The waters seemed to flow within the painting, as tattered as it may have been. Kate swore she could almost smell the flowers in full bloom and taste the sweet air of the scene, even in the broken down house she now occupied.

She kept on with this thoughts for what seemed for quite a while until she was brought back to reality by the harsh sound of a painting dropping to the wall. “What the-” Kate began before another painting flew off, and than another, and another. As more and more paintings flew off the walls Kate and Samuel ducked under the central table to hide from the assailing shards of glass. Samuel screamed as a painting flew glass first into his back, and Kate could tell by the rush of red surrounding him that it had caused him injury. “Oh god, get the EVP.” Samuel reach his now bloodied hand into his pockets fumbling around for the recorder before finally finding it as Kate retrieved her whistle, all the meanwhile paintings roaring from side to side, some even flying back up once they landed. Kate blew on the whistles as hard as she could, to no success. “Peice of shit!” she yelled, tossing the metal trinket into the storm. “Here! I cant handle this right now!” Samuel said throwing the EVP recorder at Kate. Kate retrieved the blood soaked EVP and went to turn it on before all of the paintings stopped, where they were, and fell to the ground simultaneously in one loud crash. Tschhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

“God dammit all that for nothing!” Samuel whimpered in a submissive tone. “Nothing? Nothing? You think that was nothing?” Kate said with excited anger in her voice, “Cameras Samuel! These are cameras!” she said, shaking her head cam. “This combined with Daniels readings downstairs have to be conclusive evidence!” Kate rose from underneath the table, and examined the area around her. The floor was covered in shattered glass and wood, and scattered around where old canvases. The room was thick with dust and mold that had been stirred up in the flurry, along with the stench of fresh blood, causing Kate to become nauseated. As Samuel crawled out from under the table she saw the full extent of how badly he had been hurt.

A big man as he was, he could barely fit under the table, his entire backside sticking out. His now burgundy jacket’s back was torn to shreds by glass, and there were visible pieces of glass lodged in his back. “Samuel! Are you okay! I didn’t think it was that bad!” she cried, rushing towards him. “Yeah I’m fine” he struggled to say, propping himself up on one knee. The searing pain shot through his body causing him to collapse on the floor.

“Daniel! Daniel!” Kate screamed over and over. “No no no no no, stay awake Sam!” she said, slapping his face back and forth as he struggled to close his eyes. “Get out for your own safety, run, leave me…” Samuel said finally closing his eyes. “No! Don’t you fucking do this to me!” Kate pleaded. The pool of red grew around her as did her screams for help.

Had Kate realized that she was screaming at the top of her lungs, and had she realized that Daniel most certainly should have been able to hear her, she may have suspected something was out of place, other than of course the now dead man in front of her. In a last ditch effort, she began beating senselessly on Samuel’s chest, not having been certified for CPR and only having seen it done in movies she had no idea on how to conduct such a procedure, especially not on someone as large as Samuel.

It was several more minutes of thrusting and screaming before Kate realized that it may have been time for her to actually get out. Realizing that Daniel was not coming, and Realizing that Samuel was dead as a doornail, she sprinted towards the door. Running towards the door she heard a loud gasp from behind her. Startled, she jerked around to see Samuel sitting up perfectly fine. “Samuel!” she began to return to him before he screamed a loud and rancorous scream which stunned her. The floor began to blister and wave, bursting to reveal hordes of spiders and beetles, all of which ran towards Kate. She grasped her ears to block out the sound only to find that her ears were bleeding oily blood profusely. She ran into the hallway and slammed the door shut behind her.

“Just a couple more steps, down the stairs, out the door, get out of this house and I’ll be safe” she thought. The hallway began to elongate for what seemed like miles and miles, and fast as Kate could run was not fast enough to reach the ever-distant stairs. The door to the art gallery was full of clicking and pounding, and the sound was still persistent, although by this time Kate’s luxury of hearing was long gone. Kate ran faster and faster until finally she collapsed from exhaustion. “Just accept it, you’re going to die” Kate thought solemnly. Opening her arms and legs spread eagle, she closed her eyes and waiting for the ever persistent insects to devour her.

She waited. And waited. And waited. When death had not come for her, she looked up. The hallway was perfectly normal, and the door was no longer shaking. For a brief moment, she even deliberated opening the door to see if anything had ever even happened. Deciding against it, she decided to walk towards the stairs, still panicked yet much too exhausted to run, even despite the circumstances.

Kate walked calmly down the stairs, hoping her cool exterior would prevent another outbreak. This act was soon exposed however when she arrived downstairs to find Daniel entangled in electrical wiring, a thick black power cord encompassing his throat forming a deep red line. His face was a deep shade of blue and one of his eyes had popped out of it’s socket. Once again screaming, Kate obtained another rush of adrenaline and ran to the front door and was not at all surprised when she found it to be locked.

Not wanting to be the idiotic female protagonist of a haunted house story, she forwent the banging and screaming on the door as the possessed body of her coworker and wave of insects descended from the second floor to disembowel her ruthlessly. Instead, she used the broken window next to the locked door suffering only minor abrasions and climbed out, got in the company car and drove away to never investigate another haunted house again.

Good for you Kate.

Credit To – Nevernewyear

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My Trip to Canada

April 1, 2015 at 12:00 AM
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There are so many things that I wish could be buried in the deepest parts of my mind. There are things that I pray could be locked away forever. The truth though is that once something like that happens, there really is no way to get away from it. I guess that is why I felt the need to share my story with everyone. The only way to stop it from eating away at my mind might be to let others know what happened to my friends and I that weekend. You see, school had just gotten out and I wanted to do something noteworthy to start off summer break. I was always a sucker for the outdoors so I talked to my best friend Michael about going camping in the forest. He was a little sketchy at first but we had been on these types of trips before; during those times things always turned out great so he agreed and from that point we got others to join us. In the end it was me, Michael, Jessie, and Samantha all packed into a single car driving down the highway. Our trunk was stuffed to the brim with food, tents and all the gear we were going to need. Of all the places we could have gone to in Canada we chose the Aspen Parkland.

I can’t remember what it was that made me choose that place; when it came down to it I remember pointing to the closest place on Google maps and we started our journey. It took us about three hours to drive up there but when we stepped out of that car and felt the breeze push against our skin we knew that it was well worth the wait. I hopped onto the hood of my car immediately and closed my eyes as the wind blew through my hair. Jessie and Michael were out running through the field of grass trying to race each other and Samantha of course had gone to the one spot upwind and lit up a cigarette. The smoke made me open my eyes immediately just to see her sitting in the grass like a Native with her legs crossed. I was planning to yell at her but I didn’t see the point so I slid off the hood and unlocked up the trunk. All of our bags had been packed before we got there so I grabbed mine and jimmied it over my shoulders. Samantha bolted up from the ground and ran over to get hers on “We’re heading out already?”

“Might as well” I said back to her. And with that she got her pack on and we both called out to Michael and Jessie who got theirs on. The four of us felt like explorers of some kind when we set off into the wilderness. The weather was a bit chilly but the adventure in our hearts was far beyond that of any child. Maybe that is pulling threads a little to thin but I am just being honest with the way I felt. We must have walked for a good mile before we reached the forest line that we had spotted earlier. I was the first to enter the brush and I beckoned the others after me. They followed close behind since I was the only one with any real outdoor experience.

More than once a few of them jumped back in fright at the sight of a squirrel, or anything that moved for that matter. When we had reached an opening in the trees we had found a small creek to fill up our canteens. As I filled my canteen they all stopped dead in their tracks to look up. My head rose to meet their gaze and the four of us saw it. There was a beautiful Canadian moose just a few feet away from the creek we were resting at. We watched as it drank from the creek, completely ignoring us. Samantha struggled to get her phone out to take a picture while Michael tried to get closer to so that I could whisper out some moose trivia. It stayed there at the creek for only about five minutes before leaving but it made an impression on all of us. I wish that could have been where we headed back to the car and set up our tents but fate had other things planned for us.

Just as the moose was out of our view, we saw something else emerge from the forest. On the other side of the creek, at the top of a small hill was a completely naked man. He was tall and muscular with hair covering his chest and legs like a wild beast. His sideburns were like delicious lamb chops of fury; his eyebrows were angled strongly enough to invoke fear into all of us. We were scared the second we saw him; we became petrified when we saw the hand axe clutched in his right palm. None of us dared speak but he saw the four of us there at the creek with our canteens in our hands. And he called out to us in his thick Canadian accent.

“Aye you youngsters. What are you doing around these parts? Don’t ya know there is a serial killer round here trying to kill people?”

Michael locked eyes with the man and shook his head in despair. None of us dared to look away from his naked body for even a second; we kept our vision dead square upon him. He would occasionally scratch his junk while the soft wind blew against our faces and in that moment it felt like we were in a swamp filled thick with maple syrup. I tried to stay calm but I knew that he was seriously messed up when he procured a stack of pancakes from out of nowhere and then began to eat them right in front of us. I tried to resist the urge to go and join him and luckily my willpower was strong enough to hold me back; Jessie’s willpower was not. He removed his pack and began stepping towards the naked Canadian; we tried to warn him but he was in a trance. He stood beside the crazed Canadian “Mind if I have some?” Jessie asked. The Canadian raised his knife and brought it down into the stack of pancakes, cutting them dead in half and then handing the other half to Jessie.

“Sure thing aye, have as much as you like, I got plenty with me”

Just when we though the horror was over, the Canadian lowered his hands again and pulled up several more plates loaded with pancakes. I tried to be polite about it when he offered them to me “No thank you sir, I’m not very hungry” but every time I rejected his offers I felt a knot tie inside my heart. I knew the polite thing to do would be to accept the pancakes but doing so would mean my doom. It was already happening to Jessie; the Canadian man was talking to him and making him feel nice and at home. But I could never trust a fully nude man since the incident at summer camp, maybe a semi-nude man but definitely not a completely naked one. So there Jessie and the man sat, right at the top of the ridge by the creek. The two of them sat there eating those fluffy light pancakes with sweet sticky syrup topping and it made the rest of us water at the mouth. But our pre-assumptions were broken and we learned how bitter the syrup could be.

The Canadian stood up after finishing his plate of pancakes and he pulled out a large pot (once again I have no idea where he was getting these things). He lifted the pot above his head and we could see steam rising through the top; before we could warn him, we watched as boiling hot syrup was poured all over his body. Jessie screamed out so loudly that it seemed his mouth was about to break.
“Sorry about that aye, my hand slipped” those words swept through us like fire and we knew he was still the sadistic and polite Canadian we had known him to be. But what could we do? He apologized and because of that it would be rude if we ran away, and so we stood still and gave him some common courtesy, Jessie included. I was shocked to find that although Jessie was in agonizing pain he stood still and tried to finish the pancakes; there was not much else he could do in the presence of such a polite man. I took my eyes off of him for one second and found him again with his hand upon his knife and his knife inside of Mike.

Mike’s body twitched with the blade deep in his belly and uttered out the words: “W…Why?”

The Canadian smiled and placed one hand against the back of his head and said “Geez aye, I just seem to be a klutz today. Sorry about all that, didn’t mean to stab you.”
“DAMN IT” I thought to myself; with all of this politeness he might just get the best of us. Sam and I clutched our hands together and closed our eyes. The last thing we saw was the Canadian walking towards us with his knife waiting to accidentally run into us with it. We waited for the blade to pierce us but it never did; instead, we heard nothing but silence. Then we smelt it; the fresh aroma of maple leaves. When we finally had the courage to open our eyes we saw our red clothed savior standing between the killer and us.

It was a Canadian trooper in full apparel with his entire body in the Master of Manners position.

“Don’t worry kids, you’re safe now”. My soul flew back into the realm of existence when I heard him say that to me. I doubted his power at first but the two Canadians were locked in battle of politeness and every second that they fought was a second Samantha and I would be alive. Nothing happened for the longest time, it was just the wind blowing and a few hand signals between the two; occasionally they would bow. But our hero was turned into a monster when the naked Canadian said to the trooper “Would you please kill that girl behind you?”

Shit, he did it again, he asked politely and now the Canadian trooper had his hands around Samantha. Tears rolled down his eyes as life left her body and the blood disappeared from her anguished face. She collapsed and the knife was now deep inside the trooper with the naked Canadian behind him whispering into his ear “Sorry about that aye. I was just trying to murder you.”

“No problem aye” said the trooper as he fell to the floor with the knife still firm in his back. I know for certain I would have been next if it weren’t for my quick thinking.

“Excuse me sir, would you mind if I ran back to my car and escaped your murderous rampage?” the words came blurting out of my mouth and I ended up having to say the phrase twice, but it worked. The naked man grew tired in his eyes as he waited patiently for me to escape his bloodlust, so I did just that.

I ran at a steady pace all the way to my car and when the keys met the ignition my foot met the pedal and my memories left that place behind. I told the police about it several days later but they never went to search for him because doing so would be “impolite” by Canadian police standards. They did however find the dead bodies of my friends in that forest; the polite and murderous Canadian had properly buried them. It was a nice gesture but only I know the truth about his intentions, only I know the true shades of his swelling predatorial nature. To this day the scars of my psyche remain apparent in my life.

No longer can I eat pancakes; the smell of syrup makes me nauseous. My hands begin to shake whenever I turn on the hockey channel. Even though I know he is gone I never know for how long, even now I still have haunting of his presence. I have found Maple leaves in my mailbox and sometimes when I go shopping there is someone politely holding the door for me. But most of all I still hear his animalistic call.
“Aye” it says, “Aaaaaaaayeeeeeeee” the voice calls across the distance between us.

The words themselves bring chills to my spine and to this day I wait for him to return and finish me off.

…Damn Canadians.

Credit To – Brandon Puff

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April Fool’s Day Art: Jeff the Killer “OCs” Edition

April 2, 2014 at 6:21 AM

If you were around on April Fool’s Day, you probably noticed that – in addition to a large amount of parodypasta showing up – commenters were temporarily given the ability to ‘modify’ everyone’s favorite Crappypasta spin-off fodder, Jeff the Killer himself.

As promised, here’s the round-up of everyone’s submitted Jeff edits. I don’t believe that I missed anyone, but if I somehow skipped your image, I’m sorry!

Click on a thumbnail to see the full size; the name in the caption is the handle of the commenter who posted the image in question.

I hope that you guys had fun making these, and Happy April Fool’s Day!

People

April 1, 2014 at 11:00 PM
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You lay in your bed quietly. Your window is open, a light breeze flowing through. You stare up at the ceiling, watching time pass by. Why is it so hard to sleep? you silently wonder, tapping your heel impatiently, waiting for oblivion to overcome you. You haven’t been able to sleep for ages, and it’s been almost 3 days since you got some shut-eye.

Laying here, your senses are heightened, the quiet rustling and hooting of the occasional owl ringing in hypersound. Your eyes have fully adjusted to the dark, allowing you to see every detail in the bedroom around you.

You suddenly hear a creak. Thinking it’s just your dumb dog walking around at night, you push your head under your pillow and groan.

Another creak, followed by a crash. You jump up, grabbing the gun from your bedside table. “Who the hell is there?!!” You shout, aiming around the room wildly.

There is something out your window. It crawls through the hole, its face white, with singed black brows and a bloody red smile. Its hair is long, black, and matted. It wears a white hoodie, smeared with black substance you can only guess to be blood. It rushes in on you, tackling and ramming you into the bed, hissing 4 words into your ear:

“JUST.. GO.. TO.. SLEEP!”

You look up into the things eyes, and you push yourself up, staring at it. “Who the hell do you think you are?! Barging into my room like this?!”

The thing stares at you. “Wait.. what?”

You stare at it angrily. “And why the FUCK did you tell me to go to sleep?! I mean, for all I know, I might have just been about to drift off, but NOOOO, YOU have to go show up!”

It starts to walk to the window. “I-I’ll just be on my way.. heh–” He dives out the window, running into the night.

You plop the gun onto your desk and lay back down on the bed, sighing and speaking aloud. “Jeezus.. People these days.”

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