Bill Cosby Commercial

April 1, 2014 at 4:00 PM
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Last week, on a wet and windy night, with no motivation to finish my college assignments, I began to peruse the Internet as a way to procrastinate, as we all often do. Having completed Sonic the Hedgehog on an emulator a few hours earlier, I was in a nostalgic mood. After searching youtube for old Sega Genesis commercials, my finger still lingered on the mouse. I kept clicking on the suggested videos and reliving old memories from my childhood. I felt a comfort one only gets from seeing things you never really knew had such an influence on you when you were young and innocent.
Soon I was lost revelling in such classics as “melts in your mouth, not in your hand”, “Who loves orange soda?” “NO SOUP FOR YOU”, “How you doin’?”, “Come with me if you want to live”, “The truth is out there” and of course, “Wassssssaaaaaaaap!!”
I only realised that I’d lost track of time when I tried to find my phone in what was now a pitch dark room. Checking the time on my monitor I was shocked to find it was already after 2 AM. I resolved to go to bed as I had class in the morning, but couldn’t resist watching one last video, just to round off the night. Scanning through the suggestions, I was disappointed to find that I had watched them all, except for this one video at the very bottom, entitled “Bill Cosby sells his soul for pudding”. Although I had a vague idea of who Bill Cosby was from old Simpsons episodes, I’d never actually seen anything he was famous for- but I’ll admit the title intrigued me somewhat.
As I clicked the link and sat back to be entertained, I had no Idea that I was making the biggest mistake of my life.

The video started off Innocently enough, obviously some old commercial for gelatine.
Bill Cosby was standing in a Kitchen surrounded by little kids. “There’s an easy way to make Jelo instant pudding- Just shake it!” He announced in a cheery voice. The Video skipped a bit at this point, lingering on the “Shake it” part- a tad annoying, but the Internet in the house could become a little jittery at times, so I was used to it. The video cut to Cosby’s head moving in from the left of the screen- “Follow the Directions” he said. I wasn’t sure why at the time, but something about this was vaguely unsettling, though I thought perhaps it was due to the fact that it was a sudden jump cut. A mangled version of the product jingle played, then it cut back to “Follow the directions”, only slower– my brow furrowed. The next part was from a different advert, Cosby was holding four jiggling watermelons, the movement seemed to be semi-cyclical, moving from the start to the end and back again. It was hypnotic, and quite nauseating, which made it all the more abrupt when then audio cut to triple speed “What’s making these watermelons wriggle?”, I felt at this point extremely uncomfortable, like my defences were being broken down. I felt like, just like- “Just like Jelo gelatin” Cosby finished the thought for me, several times. This was beginning to feel really weird.
The scene cut to a ginger kid repeating the same movement over and over.
“That’s it” I thought. “enough of this”. Ginger kids freaked me out at the best of times. As I raised my hand to move the mouse however, something peculiar happened. A cut to Cosby again, moving his left hand in seemingly random directions, pudding pop in his right, repeating “This, this, or this” a number of times. My right hand immediately became stiff and started to spasm beyond my control, disrupting my path to the mouse. After that point on, I was powerless to control myself- forced to sit and witness what was unfolding before me, regardless of will. At this point of no return, Cosby lingered a look of surprise my way, almost mockingly, emitting a demonically low pitched moan. I was scared.
Another kid in the video seemed to echo my emotions, “Hey Bill Cosby what’s tha- AH AH AH”. If I could have screamed at that point, I would have.
“Follow the directions” Cosby repeated horrifyingly.
The Mangled Jingle played again, for longer this time, each second forcibly propping up my eyelids.
The watermelon part reappeared, even slower than before, but instead of being nauseated, I felt lulled into subservience.
The scene cut to a smiley faced clock, moving its hands in an almost wave-like pattern, A bit- crunched warning repeated almost too quick for me to make out- “You sing you die, you sing you die” before crunching completely to a jarring buzz, its eyes popping open and shut at a speed greater than what should be physically possible.
“Follow the Directions”
“…FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS…”
The video grinded to a complete halt, Cosby’s judgmental eyes fixed squarely on mine, just long enough to make me feel a glimmer of hope that the internet had failed, before he whipped his head back saying “Don’t worry…” with a smug superiority.
“…Pudding pop swirl” The demon Cosby finished, before letting his head fly about erratically on his unmoving shoulders in a movement akin to something out of ‘The Exorcist’.
“whatwhatwhatwhat” it continued, as if to eradicate any morsel of critical thinking left in my being.
The demon proceeded to fellate a chocolate pudding pop with a sleazy, unholy glee. A close-up cut to its burningly erotic gaze left me with no semblance of the lie that I had not been violated. Even though the video quality was grainy, those eyes pierced me to my very soul; they were so…Hyper-Realistic.
“Thank you” it finished, before poising itself like a cat ready to pounce.
In the brief respite that followed I allowed myself to exhale for the first time since that horror began. As the breath exuded however, I felt my consciousness follow suit, all remnants of perception fading as I slipped into an abyss, serenaded by the haunting echo of “WaaatteerrrMmeelloonns” marking my descent into darkness, until I knew no more.

I came to by the sound of the front door closing downstairs. It was still dark outside.
“Man I must’ve been conked out for at least an hour” I thought to myself as I rubbed the back of my creaky neck on the way down to the kitchen.
I felt exhausted as I pushed open the door, but I needed both water and to find out who could be calling at this hour. Turns out it was just my housemate getting home from a nightclub.
“Hey man” I greeted him. “Didn’t know you went out, don’t you have an exam in the morning? What is it like 4AM?”
“What are you talking about dude?” He asked, quizzically. “It’s only half twelve. And that exam was this morning. You high or somethin’?”
At this point I felt extremely muddled. “Nah man that can’t be right. I fell asleep like two hours ago. We just finished playing ‘Sonic’ earlier on remember?”
“Dude that was YESTERDAY, I ain’t seen you at all today. Whatever you’re on you gotta share it with me!” He chuckled.
My face knotted into a ball of confusion. I simply turned to go check my calendar upstairs, he couldn’t have been right.
“Pffft fine” he snorted.
“And by the way, you owe me a box of pudding pops!!” he called after me.
I froze. “What did you say??”.
“My pudding pops. I had a whole box this morning now they’re gone”
With that I felt a tremendous fear and bolted up the stairs.
“Hey man don’t worry about it I ain’t mad. Just get some new ones when you can that’s all!” He shouted.
I could barely hear him though as I raced to my room to check my computer. I thought it was just in power save mode when I woke up but now it wouldn’t even turn on. The screen was on standby, but the actual computer was unresponsive. After much frenzied inspection I found that the power chord had been cut. To Say I was freaked out would have been a massive understatement.
“What in the name of holy hell is going on??…” I remember muttering to myself.

It’s been a whole week since then, and things have just been getting stranger and stranger. The blackouts are becoming longer and more frequent, and I can feel myself slipping away. Every time I’ve slept I’ve been plagued by visions of the beast, pudding and ginger kids everywhere. I tried my best to fight it; I’ve been awake now for forty eight hours but it’s no use. I can feel Bill Cosby’s presence even in my waking moments. Sometimes I don’t know where I am and can’t communicate in anything other than nonsensical jabbering.
Two days ago I suddenly snapped back to reality to find myself staring at my fridge, full to the brim with pudding pops. I screamed and tried to run but immediately fell to the floor as I was wearing two halves of Watermelon on my feet instead of shoes.
I’m really scared. There’s no one in the house anymore, all my housemates have disappeared. I can’t even bear to think what may have happened to them, what I in my delirium may have done; the atrocities that monster may have used these hands for…
I’m doomed. There’s no hope for me, I realise that now. The reason I write this is to share my story so that whatever happens, at least I got chance to tell my side of it, and maybe spare other potential victims the horror of this terrible fate.
To those who loved me, my family, my friends; try to remember me as I once was.
To everyone else, for all that is holy, whatever you do- DO NOT WATCH THE VIDEO!!

Oh god *flipfloop* It’s happening again. I can *flimflam*feel it! God please!*ZamZobbidy*. I can’t *HipHobbidyhold out much longer!! He’s *KimKamKibbityComming!! ZimSomebody Help me!! ZimZamZobbidyZELP ME!!! ZELP MEEMBAMbobbidy…
FlipFlumFlobbidy…
ZipZamzoppidy…
Boop.

FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS.

Credit To – AbsoluteBillion, Beefnuts

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The Things Without Feelings

April 4, 2013 at 12:00 AM
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It’s odd the things we remember sometimes. I was walking down the toy aisle a couple days ago, looking for something to give my two (soon to be three) year old niece for her birthday. Everything was brightly colored and cheerful, starting with a turtle with a head that bobbed up and down when you pulled his tail and ending with what looked like a mash-up between a dragon and a fairy princess colored all in pink. And there, dead center in the middle of the aisle, was a loosely gathered bunch of Care Bear toys.

Cloying and sweet, their eyes stared up at me, as if to say what a wonderful gift they would be for a small girl of three. I reached down and picked up the dark blue Grumpy Bear. Of all the bears he has gone through the least changes over the years. I think it’s because his mind is the strongest. He’s had no need to change his shape or form to keep his sanity.

I put the bear back down and gazed at it. Odd thing to think. But then, it was an odd Care Bear tale I had seen too. Or maybe thought I saw, the whole thing has the quality of a fever dream to it, which is appropriate since I was sick at the time. And as I looked at the little storm cloud on his tummy I remembered.

It was a sunny March afternoon. A temperature of 101 and vomitting had kept me home from school that day. I had passed the worst stages of my sickness earlier in the morning and I was now thoroughly enjoying myself on the couch, consuming anything the TV would throw my way. My mom had left to run some errands, so I was alone in the house. Normally I would have abused this freedom by raiding some ice cream out of the freezer. I was too tired though and still felt slightly nauseous.

That might explain why I didn’t change the channel when the brightly colored bears came on. At nine years old, I had far passed the age where Care Bears would have been an okay thing to watch. But tired and still slightly sick, I let it play. I remember the villain was someone called Professor Coldheart. He looked like a cheap Mr. Freeze knockoff, with frozen blue skin, white hair, and a paedo stare. His whole thing was that he hated feelings… because. Honestly, he reminds me now of one of those stupid Captain Planet villains. Why did they pollute the environment? Because if they didn’t there wouldn’t be a villain to fight, duh! Maybe I’m expecting too much out of a show aimed at toddlers though.

There was a lot of back and forth about feelings with the fuzzy little mascots going on and on about joy and caring. And, sick or not, I was getting up to change the channel because I was going to be sick if I had to hear to the word caring one more time. And then Professor Coldheart pulled out a large black book. “But they have promised me, if I call them, they will end all feelings!” Coldheart exclaimed opening the book.

The little bears all seem confused. All except Grumpy Bear. “Care Bears, don’t let him read from that book!” he exclaimed. “Tender Heart, call for the stare!”

A little reddish brown bear with a heart on his tummy nodded. “Care Bears, line up!” he called. But even as he did, Coldheart began to chant. I sat on the floor and watched, wide-eyed. I couldn’t understand a word he was saying. No, that’s a lie. Or rather, it’s not entirely true. He wasn’t speaking English. He wasn’t speaking any language I’ve ever heard. But my mind was forming pictures. And they weren’t happy . They involved large black masses that ate the stars and writhing and squirming things long enough to wrap around the world.

Tender Heart faltered, with a hand to his head, and the other bears quickly followed suit. “They lie in wait for the stars,” I heard Tender Heart mutter.

A cavernous portal opened behind Coldheart, and he giggled, a giggle full of madness and no glee. Grumpy Bear stood up and stared at it in horror. Shadowy things that flickered on the edge of vision began to appear on the screen, coming from the opening. Looking back, it was some fantastic animation, I haven’t seen its like since. The shadowy things were reaching forward for the bears. Grumpy Bear’s tummy glowed and he summoned forth several thunder clouds. He used them to set up a protective barrier for the bears, lightning arcing from them and sizzling the shadowy things as they closed in.

It wasn’t going to be enough though, and although I would’ve been ashamed to admit, my little nine year old self was kind of scared. The shadowy things bore a very strange resemblance the things flicking through my own head now. Grumpy Bear looked from Coldheart to the Bears, and then, I swear to God, straight at me. I mean, I know he was just animated to be looking at the “camera”, but it felt like he could see me, and whoever else was watching, feel our fear. He nodded. “I have to break the connection,” he said, turning back to Coldheart. He closed his eyes and concentrated, tummy lighting up brighter than I had ever seen.

A gigantic thunder cloud appeared above them, filling the entire building. Coldheart looked up at it in awe. Then, a gigantic lightning strike fell from the cloud. At first I thought it was going to strike Coldheart. Instead, it fell at his feet. He screeched and jumped backwards, losing his balance. And when he did, he fell backwards, into the portal behind him, still holding the black book. There was a mighty clap of thunder and the screen turned white. For a moment I wondered if we’d had a power surge that hurt the TV. After a few moments it cleared though. Grumpy Bear was going to each bear now, picking them off the floor, patting them on the back, saying a few encouraging words.

“I can’t live with it,” a green bear with a clover on his belly said. “I saw things, so many things.”

“Don’t worry, Good Luck,” Grumpy said, patting the bear’s back. “You won’t have to. None of you will.”

Then it rolled to credits. I crawled back over to the couch and hauled myself back up. I was slightly disappointed. I wanted to know what Grumpy meant.

But, I pushed it from my mind. It was just a Care Bear episode after all. I remember the first movie came out slightly afterwards, serving as a sort of reboot to the franchise. No more Coldheart and a whole bunch of different pastel colored animals to play with along with bears. I never saw the episode again and never bothered seeking it out.

13 years later found me an English Literature class at an out of state college. It was one of those classes where everyone from freshmen to seniors could be found in it. I was in my senior year and had just needed a random class to fill out my general education block. For some reason, at the end of class, a bunch of us got to talking about shows we used to watch when were little. The subject eventually turned to the Care Bears.

“Y’know, I saw the strangest episode when I was nine,” I said. I quickly outlined the dramatics with Coldheart and the book. Everyone stared at me like I had gone off my gourd. “Are you sure you just didn’t hallucinate it?” a guy to my right we called the Patster said.

“Wait, he’s right!” a blonde freshman named Cally exclaimed. “But it wasn’t Coldheart, it was No Heart.”

“Who the heck is No Heart?” I asked, turning to her.

“He’s the main villain from the Nelvana series, the one that came after the DiC episodes. He had a black book like you said. And all the bears seemed confused except Grumpy. He was flipping out. And Noheart called all his shadowy monster things the Young Ones.” She laughed. “I don’t know how it ended. It actually scared me enough I changed the channel.” She shook her head. “It was Care Bears, though, so how bad could it have been?” She became thoughtful for a second. “It was near the end of the Nelvana run though. Might have even been the last episode.”

“Yeah, I vote both of you are nutty than the nuthouse,” Patster said, and the group laughed in agreement.

The conversation piqued my curiosity though. The school had some computers that were free for students to use that ran at the blazing fast dial-up speed of 56 kbps This was back in 1998, so the Internet was not the insta-answer place it is now. Hell, Google was stilled called Google Beta and I viewed it with suspicion because it was new. I ended up using Yahoo. And let me tell you, it’s not much better now than it was then. A couple hours of searching left me with no clues. I could find no mention of either Cally’s episode or mine anywhere.

I let it lie there. There have been a couple series since then. Bears have come and gone, but Grumpy has always been there from what little I’ve seen, largely unchanged. Sometimes I wonder if there are others out there who saw strange episodes as each series finished out. Deep down– I don’t really want to know. I think if I did know I’d have to accept some facts I really don’t want to.

Snapping out of my revere, I got ready to leave the toy aisle. I turned back one last time to look at the Bears. And then, almost on impulse, I reached down and picked up the Grumpy Bear. Perhaps I owed him that much. And perhaps there were worse things that could snuggle next to my niece as she slept.

Credit To – Star Kindler

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Squidward’s Suicide

September 1, 2010 at 12:00 AM
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I just want to start off by saying if you want an answer at the end, prepare to be disappointed. There just isn’t one.

I was an intern at Nickelodeon Studios for a year in 2005 for my degree in animation. It wasn’t paid of course, most internships aren’t, but it did have some perks beyond education. To adults it might not seem like a big one, but most kids at the time would go crazy over it.

Now, since I worked directly with the editors and animators, I got to view the new episodes days before they aired. I’ll get right to it without giving too many unnecessary details. They had very recently made the SpongeBob movie and the entire staff was somewhat sapped of creativity so it took them longer to start up the season. But the delay lasted longer for more upsetting reasons. There was a problem with the series 4 premiere that set everyone and everything back for several months.

Me and two other interns were in the editing room along with the lead animators and sound editors for the final cut. We received the copy that was supposed to be “Fear of a Krabby Patty” and gathered around the screen to watch. Now, given that it isn’t final yet animators often put up a mock title card, sort of an inside joke for us, with phony, often times lewd titles, such as “How sex doesn’t work” instead of “Rock-a-bye-Bivalve” when SpongeBob and Patrick adopt a sea scallop. Nothing particularly funny but work related chuckles. So when we saw the title card “Squidward’s Suicide” we didn’t think it more than a morbid joke.

One of the interns did a small throat laugh at it. The happy-go-lucky music plays as is normal. The story began with Squidward practicing his clarinet, hitting a few sour notes like normal. We hear SpongeBob laughing outside and Squidward stops, yelling at him to keep it down as he has a concert that night and needs to practice. SpongeBob says okay and goes to see Sandy with Patrick. The bubbles splash screen comes up and we see the ending of Squidward’s concert. This is when things began to seem off.

While playing, a few frames repeat themselves, but the sound doesn’t (at this point sound is synced up with animation, so, yes, that’s not common) but when he stops playing, the sound finishes as if the skip never happened. There is slight murmuring in the crowd before they begin to boo him. Not normal cartoon booing that is common in the show, but you could very clearly hear malice in it. Squidward’s in full frame and looks visibly afraid. The shot goes to the crowd, with SpongeBob in center frame, and he too is booing, very much unlike him. That isn’t the oddest thing, though. What is odd is everyone had hyper realistic eyes. Very detailed. Clearly not shots of real people’s eyes, but something a bit more real than CGI. The pupils were red. Some of us looked at each other, obviously confused, but since we weren’t the writers, we didn’t question its appeal to children yet.

The shot goes to Squidward sitting on the edge of his bed, looking very forlorn. The view out of his porthole window is of a night sky so it isn’t very long after the concert. The unsettling part is at this point there is no sound. Literally no sound. Not even the feedback from the speakers in the room. It’s as if the speakers were turned off, though their status showed them working perfectly. He just sat there, blinking, in this silence for about 30 seconds, then he started to sob softly. He put his hands (tentacles) over his eyes and cried quietly for a full minute more, all the while a sound in the background very slowly growing from nothing to barely audible. It sounded like a slight breeze through a forest.

The screen slowly begins to zoom in on his face. By slow I mean it’s only noticeable if you look at shots 10 seconds apart side by side. His sobbing gets louder, more full of hurt and anger. The screen then twitches a bit, as if it twists in on itself, for a split second then back to normal. The wind-through-the-trees sound gets slowly louder and more severe, as if a storm is brewing somewhere. The eerie part is this sound, and Squidward’s sobbing, sounded real, as if the sound wasn’t coming from the speakers but as if the speakers were holes the sound was coming through from the other side. As good as sound as the studio likes to have, they don’t purchase the equipment to be that good to produce sound of that quality.

Below the sound of the wind and sobbing, very faint, something sounded like laughing. It came at odd intervals and never lasted more than a second so you had a hard time pinning it (we watched this show twice, so pardon me if things sound too specific but I’ve had time to think about them). After 30 seconds of this, the screen blurred and twitched violently and something flashed over the screen, as if a single frame was replaced.

The lead animation editor paused and rewound frame by frame. What we saw was horrible. It was a still photo of a dead child. He couldn’t have been more than 6. The face was mangled and bloodied, one eye dangling over his upturned face, popped. He was naked down to his underwear, his stomach crudely cut open and his entrails laying beside him. He was laying on some pavement that was probably a road.

The most upsetting part was that there was a shadow of the photographer. There was no crime tape, no evidence tags or markers, and the angle was completely off for a shot designed to be evidence. It would seem the photographer was the person responsible for the child’s death. We were of course mortified, but pressed on, hoping that it was just a sick joke.

The screen flipped back to Squidward, still sobbing, louder than before, and half body in frame. There was now what appeard to be blood running down his face from his eyes. The blood was also done in a hyper realistic style, looking as if you touched it you’d get blood on your fingers. The wind sounded now as if it were that of a gale blowing through the forest; there were even snapping sounds of branches. The laughing, a deep baritone, lasting at longer intervals and coming more frequently. After about 20 seconds, the screen again twisted and showed a single frame photo.

The editor was reluctant to go back, we all were, but he knew he had to. This time the photo was that of what appeared to be a little girl, no older than the first child. She was laying on her stomach, her barrettes in a pool of blood next to her. Her left eye was too popped out and popped, naked except for underpants. Her entrails were piled on top of her above another crude cut along her back. Again the body was on the street and the photographer’s shadow was visible, very similar in size and shape to the first. I had to choke back vomit and one intern, the only female in the room, ran out. The show resumed.

About 5 seconds after this second photo played, Squidward went silent, as did all sound, like it was when this scene started. He put his tentacles down and his eyes were now done in hyper realism like the others were in the beginning of this episode. They were bleeding, bloodshot, and pulsating. He just stared at the screen, as if watching the viewer. After about 10 seconds, he started sobbing, this time not covering his eyes. The sound was piercing and loud, and most fear inducing of all is his sobbing was mixed with screams.

Tears and blood were dripping down his face at a heavy rate. The wind sound came back, and so did the deep voiced laughing, and this time the still photo lasted for a good 5 frames.

The animator was able to stop it on the 4th and backed up. This time the photo was of a boy, about the same age, but this time the scene was different. The entrails were just being pulled out from a stomach wound by a large hand, the right eye popped and dangling, blood trickling down it. The animator proceeded. It was hard to believe, but the next one was different but we couldn’t tell what. He went on to the next, same thing. He want back to the first and played them quicker and I lost it. I vomited on the floor, the animating and sound editors gasping at the screen. The 5 frames were not as if they were 5 different photos, they were played out as if they were frames from a video. We saw the hand slowly lift out the guts, we saw the kid’s eyes focus on it, we even saw two frames of the kid beginning to blink.

The lead sound editor told us to stop, he had to call in the creator to see this. Mr. Hillenburg arrived within about 15 minutes. He was confused as to why he was called down there, so the editor just continued the episode. Once the few frames were shown, all screaming, all sound again stopped. Squidward was just staring at the viewer, full frame of the face, for about 3 seconds. The shot quickly panned out and that deep voice said “DO IT” and we see in Squidward’s hands a shotgun. He immediately puts the gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger. Realistic blood and brain matter splatters the wall behind him, and his bed, and he flies back with the force. The last 5 seconds of this episode show his body on the bed, on his side, one eye dangling on what’s left of his head above the floor, staring blankly at it. Then the episode ends.

Mr. Hillenburg is obviously angry at this. He demanded to know what the heck was going on. Most people left the room at this point, so it was just a handful of us to watch it again. Viewing the episode twice only served to imprint the entirety of it in my mind and cause me horrible nightmares. I’m sorry I stayed.

The only theory we could think of was the file was edited by someone in the chain from the drawing studio to here. The CTO was called in to analyze when it happened. The analysis of the file did show it was edited over by new material. However, the timestamp of it was a mere 24 seconds before we began viewing it. All equipment involved was examined for foreign software and hardware as well as glitches, as if the time stamp may have glitched and showed the wrong time, but everything checked out fine. We don’t know what happened and to this day nobody does.

There was an investigation due to the nature of the photos, but nothing came of it. No child seen was identified and no clues were gathered from the data involved nor physical clues in the photos. I never believed in unexplainable phenomena before, but now that I have something happen and can’t prove anything about it beyond anecdotal evidence, I think twice about things.

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Dead Bart

June 13, 2010 at 7:23 AM
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You know how Fox has a weird way of counting Simpsons episodes? They refuse to count a couple of them, making the amount of episodes inconsistent. The reason for this is a lost episode from season 1.

Finding details about this missing episode is difficult, no one who was working on the show at the time likes to talk about it. From what has been pieced together, the lost episode was written entirely by Matt Groening. During production of the first season, Matt started to act strangely. He was very quiet, seemed nervous and morbid. Mentioning this to anyone who was present results in them getting very angry, and forbidding you to ever mention it to Matt. The episode’s production number was 7G44, the title was Dead Bart.

In addition to getting angry, asking anyone who was on the show about this will cause them to do everything they can to stop you from directly communicating with Matt Groening. At a fan event, I managed to follow him after he spoke to the crowd, and eventually had a chance to talk to him alone as he was leaving the building. He didn’t seem upset that I had followed him, probably expected a typical encounter with an obsessive fan. When I mentioned the lost episode though, all color drained from his face and he started trembling. When I asked him if he could tell me any details, he sounded like he was on the verge of tears. He grabbed a piece of paper, wrote something on it, and handed it to me. He begged me never to mention the episode again.

The piece of paper had a website address on it, I would rather not say what it was, for reasons you’ll see in a second. I entered the address into my browser, and I came to a site that was completely black, except for a line of yellow text, a download link. I clicked on it, and a file started downloading. Once the file was downloaded, my computer went crazy, it was the worst virus I had ever seen. System restore didn’t work, the entire computer had to be rebooted. Before doing this though, I copied the file onto a CD. I tried to open it on my now empty computer, and as I suspected, there was an episode of The Simpsons on it.

The episode started off like any other episode, but had very poor quality animation. If you’ve seen the original animation for Some Enchanted Evening, it was similar, but less stable. The first act was fairly normal, but the way the characters acted was a little off. Homer seemed angrier, Marge seemed depressed, Lisa seemed anxious, Bart seemed to have genuine anger and hatred for his parents.

The episode was about the Simpsons going on a plane trip, near the end of the first act, the plane was taking off. Bart was fooling around, as you’d expect. However, as the plane was about 50 feet off the ground, Bart broke a window on the plane and was sucked out.

At the beginning of the series, Matt had an idea that the animated style of the Simpsons’ world represented life, and that death turned things more realistic. This was used in this episode. The picture of Bart’s corpse was barely recognizable, they took full advantage of it not having to move, and made an almost photo-realistic drawing of his dead body.

Act one ended with the shot of Bart’s corpse. When act two started, Homer, Marge, and Lisa were sitting at their table, crying. The crying went on and on, it got more pained, and sounded more realistic, better acting than you would think possible. The animation started to decay even more as they cried, and you could hear murmuring in the background. This crying went on for all of act two.

Act three opened with a title card saying one year had passed. Homer, Marge, and Lisa were skeletally thin, and still sitting at the table. There was no sign of Maggie or the pets.

They decided to visit Bart’s grave. Springfield was completely deserted, and as they walked to the cemetery the houses became more and more decrepit. They all looked abandoned. When they got to the grave, Bart’s body was just lying in front of his tombstone, looking just like it did at the end of act one.

The family started crying again. Eventually they stopped, and just stared at Bart’s body. The camera zoomed in on Homer’s face. According to summaries, Homer tells a joke at this part, but it isn’t audible in the version I saw, you can’t tell what Homer is saying.

The view zoomed out as the episode came to a close. The tombstones in the background had the names of every Simpsons guest star on them. Some that no one had heard of in 1989, some that haven’t been on the show yet. All of them had death dates on them. For guests who died since, like Michael Jackson and George Harrison, the dates were when they would die.

You can try to use the tombstones to predict the death of living Simpsons guest stars, but there’s something odd about most of the ones who haven’t died yet. All of their deaths are listed as the same date.

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Not gonna lie, I personally think this one’s not that great, but it’s been both submitted and searched for a ton, so apparently it needs to be archived. Only credit I can find is to someone calling themselves “KI Simpson”, so there you go.

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