I used to live in a small cottage in the country. It was quite secluded and there were only two buses a day that went past my home. If I missed the bus, I’d have to walk down a long country road to get back. In summer, it was quite nice walking past the fields in the shade of the trees. In summer, there was still sunlight. In winter, there was no sunlight, and it was in winter when I missed the bus home.
I’d been working late at the office and I had to get the later train home instead of my usual one. As I sat on the train home, I watched as the sun slowly sank beneath the rolling hills of the countryside. It was getting dark outside.
I got off at my stop and starting walking towards the bus stop. It was then I saw its familiar shape cresting the hill on the horizon. I knew I couldn’t miss the bus. If I did, I’d have to walk home in the dark. I jogged to the stop and managed to reach it before the bus did. I held out my hand to stop the bus, but the bus didn’t stop; the driver just kept on going. Now obviously I was annoyed, but I knew that swearing and cursing wouldn’t help my current situation. Instead, I started walking home.
It was at least three miles to my house, which is a lot for one person to walk alone on a dark, cold winters night, but still I persevered. The dead leaves beneath my feet made a satisfying crunch as I walked over them; but it wasn’t so satisfying when I heard the same noise coming from behind me.
I knew I was alone, I’d checked several times during the walk to sooth my paranoia but now I couldn’t even consider turning around just in case. Just in case I would find something as horrifying as the things that often appeared in my nightmares.
I ignored the crunching and carried on, but I started to speed up at this point hoping that I could out run the noises.
But I couldn’t.
As I moved faster, the noises behind me moved faster too and they started to sound closer and closer.
I started to run when I heard the breathing.
The deep, croaky, terrifying breathing of the thing following me. I ran fast, but the thing did too. Adreneline gave me a boost but fear powered me through out. I wasn’t going to let that thing get me; I was determined.
I kept running while the breaths behind me became shallower and shallower.
I kept running while the crunching leaves sounded quieter and quieter.
I kept running because I couldn’t stop.
I didn’t stop until I reached my house. I quickly unlocked the door and slammed it shut behind me before stumbling through the onyx black darkness and tumbling into the cupboard under the stairs.
The cupboard was my safe place; I always felt safer in confined spaces. If I ever had a panic attack or worked myself up into a fear frenzy I’d just hide in there as I did that night. I curled up in the blankets I’d left under there and fell asleep, but as I drifted off, I thought I heard scratching at the cupboard door.
Some hours later, I was awoken by sunlight pouring thought the cracks in the door. I slowly opened the door and peered out, half expecting a monster to lunge for me. Instead I was greeted by my cat, Snowball. I noticed her food bowls were empty. “So that’s why you were scratching on the door last night,” I cooed “You were hungry weren’t you poppet.”
I emptied a sachet of cat food into a bowl for her and brewed myself a cup of coffee. Suddenly, I heard a floorboard creak upstairs. I grabbed a knife from the draw and quietly walked up the stairs, keeping on guard at all times. When I reached the top of the stairs, I saw the landing was empty. Cautiously, I opened the door to my bedroom and checked in there. It was empty too. So was the bathroom and so was my study.
Everywhere was empty.
I told myself to stop being so paranoid; it was an old cottage and the beams were probably weak and creaky. I retrieved my coffee from downstairs and started doing some work in the study, for today I could work from home which meant I didn’t have to run down any country roads late at night being chased by a boogey man! I turned my laptop on and started working. I worked for several hours without a break. Sometimes I felt Snowball come and brush up against my leg so I’d stroke her and assure her I’d come down and play with her later.
Whilst I was working, I heard a noise outside. It was an owl hooting. I looked out of the window opposite my desk, when I had a realisation. It was a realisation so chilling it made my blood run cold.
There was an owl.
It was still dark outside.
My house was dark when I got home, but now the lights were on.
I wasn’t woken up by sunlight. Someone or something turned the lights on.
The house wasn’t empty.
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To good I died of how good it was
well shit
that was great
woah
I really enjoyed this story; the ending actually surprised me. I was expecting the cat to be dead and the monster actually be the one you were rubbing or something. Keep writing. :)
Todays complaint: Lack of action
I would have really enjoyed this if there was some action.
The twist only works if this cottage has zero windows. The man searched his whole upper floor and never once noticed it was dark out?
But then I realized my cat died a month ago DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!
There’s no way someone wouldn’t notice the difference between sunlight and light bulbs. Maybe when they first woke up they would be disoriented, but not after feeding the cat, having a cup of coffee, searching the house and working on their laptop for several hours.
This pasta is brilliant as it is! The lack of description (i.e. smell) of the ‘thing’ following adds to the fear and mystery, the greatest fear as a human is the unknown.
As for the suggestions of all the things you should change, make sure you do not lose your own voice. There are many pastas on here where the author is trying to be something they are not. They are wordy, repetitive and difficult to read as the author struggles to make it more ‘literary’. Not every writer is Dickensian.
As for the simplicity, bravo! A simple story appeals to everybody as everybody can understand it, it allows the story to speak for itself and there are many brilliant simple stories out there. The Tell Tale Heart for example, simple, repetitive, yet is considered one of the best.
I loved the ending. It was sudden and unexpected, the suddenness definitely represents and replicates the suddenness of their realisation.
Even if it is ‘predictable’ in this day and age when everybody wants to be original, sometimes this is not a bad things as nobody sees it coming, I certainly didn’t. I was half expecting them to see it was getting dark and for the fear to set in. As for leaving it with she is not alone… ahhhhh! Nothing worse than an unfinished story, I will be pondering for ages what happens next, and this is what makes a story successful. So well done you! Love a good twist.
Absolutely loved this! I thought this was a very well written piece and I think you have a lot of talent. For one thing, I just want to say that with my job, I can work from home or I can go into the center I work at, so the idea of the character working from home “randomly” is completely plausible. I really like that they were left without a name or age or gender, because it really gives the reader a chance to put themselves in the position of the character. The sudden ending was perfect because really though, how would you expand on that without ruining the story?
Oh, and for the people talking smack, I’ve woken up plenty of times at 2:30 in the morning with the lights on and not realized it was still nighttime. Especially after a paranoia like that, being disoriented in the “morning” is perfectly normal. Then you spend several hours in front of a computer? Yeah, I can see how it may have been unnoticeable, the light.
The only piece of advice or constructive criticism I can offer is that last paragraph. I feel like it could have been slightly condensed. For example, the lines: “I looked out of the window opposite my desk, when I had a realisation. It was a realisation so chilling it made my blood run cold,” were written well but could have been condensed to something similar to “I looked out of the window opposite my desk, when I made a bone chilling realization.”
Regardless, I thought this was incredible and I applaud your amazing work!
creepypasta mediana, como já disseram acima, não teve muita ação, e a repetição de algumas palavras só destacou isso. Você acertou colocando como o protagonista se sentia em pequenos detalhes, e o final, apesar de cliché, foi bem interessante.
Gostaria de ver mais histórias suas aqui no site, você escreve bem, só precisa treinar mais, parabéns e até logo.
Nota: 7/10
Gracias para tu respuesta. Hablo in poco español pero Google Translate es muy útil! Comprendo tu palabras y espero que comprendas este!
That’s portuguese, not spanish.
You can’t blame a girl for trying!
I totally get waking up from a nap, being completely thrown off time-wise, and thinking it’s another day. But I don’t think I’d ever confuse my lights with sunlight; the two are obviously distinguishable.
Even if the protagonist did realise immediately, it would still end the same way >:)
The only thing I didn’t like about this was that he went so long without noticing that his lights weren’t turned on. I don’t find that believable, but otherwise it’s actually horrifying. I would have just personally said he did as little as walked through the house a couple of seconds and THEN realized that all of the lights were on. :P
I understand about the whole lights thing. I am planning to edit it a bit to tie up some loose strings so hopefully it will clear up the matter of the light!
He doesn’t notice that the “sunlight” is actually the lights in his house being on? It’s hard not to glance outside at least once throughout the day. He also worked several hours at home without a break. Keep in mind, this is winter so night comes much earlier. Say he slept in ’till noon (he did sprint home, must have been exhausting) and he worked for 5-7 hours, by this point it would have been pretty dark outside by this point. I know owls are nocturnal and I don’t know when they become active, but surely they must be getting up at 6 or 7. It’s a stretch, but that sounds more likely than not realizing your lights are on, imo.
I enjoyed this. I’ve been known to freak myself out in the same way. To suddenly realize you were right all along would suck!
I’m glad that you enjoyed it :)
This wasn’t scary at all, and to be honest the entire plot was just stupid. You mean to tell me the guy/gal couldn’t even tell the difference between sunshine and a lightbulb?
You mean to tell me a grown man/woman sleeps regularly in a cupboard?
You mean to tell me that this person has no clocks in their house?
You mean to tell me that after running for 3 miles after the sun set, falling asleep in a cupboard and then working for “several hours”, it wasn’t light outside by this point?
You mean to tell me that it took “several hours” for our ditzy protagonist, who presumably works next to a window, to realize that it was still nighttime?
You mean to tell me they didn’t so much as glance at their computer clock ONCE?
You get the point, this pasta is filled with inconsistencies and things that just plain don’t make sense. Throw in the fact that it wasn’t scary in the slightest, and I’m seriously questioning why this isn’t on crappypasta. 2/10 for effort.
Well I’m terribly sorry that you find my story “stupid”.
I certainly wouldn’t want to insult you and your opinion with my
“stupid” stories.
To avoid you having to read “stupid” stories I would suggest you go and buy an unstupid book from an established author instead of sitting and reading “stupid” stories for free on the Internet.
Why don’t you learn to take criticism? He pointed out inconsistencies in /your/ story, and your response is to tell him to buy a book?
I come here to read genuinely great pieces of writing from talented and aspiring authors, not boring, not-scary-in-the-least, half baked “stories” by people who can’t even be arsed to think up a proper (error free) plotline.
Your piece doesn’t really fit in here, unless this site changed its name to “Shitty Stories Wholesale” without me knowing.
Okay, we’re walking the thin line between criticism and personal attacks (and thanks for bringing me/the site into it as well, nice and totally necessary touch there). The author already apologized for her initial defensiveness, and I don’t really feel like having to watch a pointless catfight in the comments, so I’ll say this now: you guys aren’t continuing this slapfight derail. Further comments in this vein will not be approved.
What the… I’m sorry but this is just retarded through and through.
As is your comment :D
Well there’s just no need for that rudeness. This was a great pasta.
Fhnnfhdbbgcdrdr
Also, a little personality can go a long way. The protagonist should have a name, or some mention of gender, because it gets tiring writing he or she when leaving comments. :p
Phhh, identities are for boring people!
Well done. I have to admit, I had to process what I just read for about a few seconds before I got it all.
No offense, but I’m a bit disappointed by the lack of scares. Although these past few days I realized that not all pastas needed to be seasoned with fear factor, I began to long for the horror as I constantly didn’t get scared by the recent pastas.
An error-free work. Not to deep, and that’s a good thing. The simplicity is rather good.
7.0 out of 10.
Thank you!
Fair enough if you wanted more of a horror story, I feel the same way too sometimes.
Simplicity was what I was going for and I’m glad you understood that :)
This isn’t a bad idea, but I found a few fairly big problems with it. For one, the transition from dusk to darkness when the protagonist misses the bus is a little choppy. Then there was that part where the reader is all at once told of the protag’s paranoia, checking behind him/her while walking alone at night. Yet when there are sounds coming from behind him/her, this is when she or he doesn’t look? I get being afraid, but it seems kind of silly, for lack of a better word. And how could this person not realize the lights were on? It says the house is two storey, so granted the ceiling is probably higher than average, but I think most people can tell the difference between natural light and a light fixture. Also, the whole cupboard part struck me as kind of stupid… Plus the fact that there were blankets there, because this person has a history of retreating to a cupboard when in fear. I know some people find small spaces comforting, but it was a little odd.
Also, does the protagonist not have windows? Blinds and curtains usually stream in light and you can tell in a glance if it’s nighttime. The motives of our mouth-breathing antagonist are hazy at best, and absent at worse. So a guy/girl gets scared walking home at night, so he/she runs 3 miles in the dark because he/she heard a noise, yet wouldn’t even look back? Then upon arriving home, this person promptly locked him- or herself in a cupboard for the night. When this person woke up, he or she decided to work from home and didn’t realize someone had turned the lights on until an owl hooed from outside?
I don’t buy it. At the very least, this story needs more structuring — maybe draw out the details of the breathing and footsteps a little better, and… I think the ending just needs to be scrapped completely and redone. It’s anti-climactic and a little dull.
Sorry if that sounded harsh, but this was, in a word, underwhelming. Not creepy at all… Except maybe the happily sleeping in a cupboard part, haha.
Thanks for your unconstructive comments, but I feel as if you skimmed past some parts of the story when you read it.
Firstly, the protagonist doesn’t turn around when they are being chased because they are scared of what they will see.
Secondly, people deal with fear in many ways. Just because the protagonist deals with fear in a way that you wouldn’t doesn’t make hiding in a cupboard silly.
Furthermore, the protagonist obviously has windows, because they looked out of the window when they heard the owl.
And finally, if you are going to leave absolutely no constructive criticism, I would prefer it if
A) You’ve read and fully understood the story beforehand
And
B) You’ve commented OFF anon.
Consider that.
Well, I think it’s a bit juvenile for you as the author to misconstrue my not liking the story as my not understanding it, because I did. I also did provide constructive criticism, as I put some ideas down as to how you could expand the story. As far as the window part goes, I brought it up because during the day you can easily see sunlight streaming through windows. If I were in this situation, I would’ve noticed there was no sunlight a lot sooner than the protagonist does. Just because you didn’t like my opinion on the story doesn’t mean it’s not valid or that I didn’t bring up any valid points. But given your attitude on less-than-positive feedback, I doubt you’ll get much better. There will always be people who don’t enjoy a story, no matter how good it is. And this one just wasn’t. A little fine-tuning can go a long way.
Yeah, sorry about the other day.
I over reacted and now I totally understand what you’re saying. I just had a bit of a bad day and I know that doesn’t really excuse my comment but sometimes you just don’t really want to hear anymore bad things and today was one of those days.
A rather straight-edged twistpasta. IMO the piece had promising aspects, but they weren’t really played as well as they could’ve been, though the twist remained somewhat solid.
The first act started off rather slow, with the author repeating ‘I needed to walk down a winter-dark road’ one too many times. The same thing happened with the bus; I’m sure the readers already know what happens when you miss the last bus.
I thought the chase scene escalated well initially; there was that beat to it, with the hounded character shuffling ever-faster – unfortunately, I don’t think s/he fully broke into a run. The protagonist didn’t seem too fazed; his/her beige emotions and procedural descriptions didn’t reflect that thumping fear that comes with being chased at full pelt. In other words, there was a lack of action.
There was an attempt to set the pace with repetition, but with the character’s lack of inflection it came off as disjointed, like a digression to the chase.
Descriptions were rather indirect, which was one of the interesting aspects. The piece tried to engage the senses; breathing, leaves shuffling gave the sense of actually being there. Maybe then it could’ve touched the protagonist – did it reek of something? Could he/she feel its warm breath?
The second act teased the reader; I reckoned the author added too much in the way of horror cliches, but the piece managed a lull before the twist. I felt the twist itself could’ve been foreshadowed better and been a deal subtler in the reveal. The ending rushed, before suddenly braking to mollycoddle the reader.
Overall, a potentially interesting twistpasta that could’ve had more faith in its readers. 6.3/10
Because the monster “reeking of something”, or breathing in the protagonist hasn’t been done before.
Oh, wait! That’s right it’s been done in EVERY SINGLE STEPHEN KING NOVEL. Alright, only a few. I just think you should reconsider your idea of an original idea before you start tellingpeople “too many cliches”
Those tropes aren’t original in any way; I just thought they could’ve been included in a more compelling manner, especially since it seems the author was shooting for a complete sensory experience.
Thanks for the feedback!
I agree that I probably could have emphasised other senses more in the chase scene, maybe I’ll edit it and add in some more senses such as smell and thermoception.
I didn’t intend for there to be too many clichés, so I’ll bear that in mind next time.
As for the repetition, in my original draft, I felt that I’d emphasised repartition too much so I cut some out so as not to bog down the story and make things too obvious.
On you comment of the protagonist not being fazed by the creature, I was trying to suggest that this had happened before with the “panic room” and “nightmares” and that the protagonist had almost planned what they would do in said situation, but perhaps I could have made that clearer.
And finally the ending. The ending was supposed to be rushed and sudden because it was a realisation and a realisation is sudden. The twist was the main emphasis of the pasta, as you said, and is why the title is called “Sunlight” because the sunlight is the realisation.
I hope that I’ve cleared some things up and thanks for your comments. I will bear these in mind next time :)
You’re welcome!
I really thought the whole pasta could’ve had more of a nudge towards the sensory. I called the scratching and creaking cliches because they weren’t really elaborated, and with your groggy, rabbit-eared protagonist (who is desperately rationalizing things away) I felt this was an opportunity missed.
Also, as has been suggested, you could’ve foreshadowed the twist by emphasizing how the protagonist was disoriented.
I didn’t mind the rush too much, it was more that the protagonist seemed to brake at the end and explain to the reader, whereas IMO a faster conclusion (in keeping with the sudden realization) would’ve done the job better.
You certainly could’ve played that nightmare angle more. What did he find different this time? Was it more unnerving this time around? Did he think it was a dream? I really like the notion that it’s all been dejavu-ed before.
Do keep writing!
Posted august 14, read on august 13 9:48 PM…I’m a time traveler…good pasta though :)