• Shogunfish

    Dafuq did I just read

    Seriously, there was so much description and zero plot, unless I am too stupid to see it in which case someone explain

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +15 (from 19 votes)
  • BlueBeans

    I’m with the first comment….great description and all but I don’t quite get it. This was good though

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +4 (from 10 votes)
  • blah

    I couldn’t read it like the other 2 comments too much detail I just couldn’t get into the story

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +8 (from 8 votes)
  • blah

    I am guessing there was a monster they were looking at that killed the men and they thought the glowing orbs were gems or something and they turned out to be eyes? I don’t know

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +8 (from 8 votes)
  • BlueBeans

    @blah..the first blah…what’s THAT posed to mean??? Watch ima throw u in that hole myself and watch what happens and maybe then I will finally understand the damned story!!!!!!!!

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: -15 (from 17 votes)
  • Aurelia

    The writing was awkward and had way too much unnecessary description. The dialogue too was pretty stilted and sometimes was missing a word. I really think that this needs editing and way more plot. It didn’t build up any tension or creepiness. How did this one get through? I’m sorry, but I would have classified this as a Crappy Pasta.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +14 (from 14 votes)
  • AthenaH2SO4

    Waaaaaayyy too much description. I frankly glazed over a bit after the first paragraph. I seriously did not need that much detail about anything.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +7 (from 7 votes)
  • Anonymous

    I know they say don’t judge a book by its cover, but I’m judging the shit out of the title. I don’t even want to read it [yet!] because it sounds stupid.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
  • Nikki

    The details were to excessive, the scene change was too abrupt and you never explained what happened or what the hell the “maroon orbs” were. If you’re trying to leave it to our imaginations than fine, but this was just horrible. It’s a shame because right as it got interesting it changed too abruptly. Try again!

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +3 (from 5 votes)
  • Anonymous

    BlueBeans,
    You overreact in every goddamn thread.

    Blah said s/he was AGREEING with you.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +7 (from 11 votes)
  • Pradicus

    “Cascading up his snot ‘sloshing’ nostrils,” “The sky’s hue shifted like a panther’s fur rolling in the shadows of fanning jungle leaves,” ” Mallory nudged Benjamin with his dirt matted shoulder again, which Benjamin ignored again, and a loose board fell from the buckled open barn ceiling again.”
    “Mallory’s feathered eyebrows scrunched down and the creases at the edges of his mouth fell into a bulldog’s frown.” Is this the same author of Coatlicue? Seems leagues apart. Above is an example of over-description, repetitiveness (“again”) and what I might label ‘under-cooked description’ or simply overdone narrative. Also don’t use tags in front (Ben said,”thus and so”) unless showing action (Ben nodded then answered,”No.”) Very distracted through this read. Keep working on your writing and don’t try so hard. If it doesn’t flow in your proof-read, try a rewrite and never be afraid to nix what doesn’t ‘work’.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
  • Pradicus

    Bravo, good imagery for “Mallory slipped down into the hole and some pebbles followed him down for the first few steps of his descent.” This wasn’t over -worked or over-thought, it flowed wonderfully. Skip the second occurrence of the word “down” though. Consider using the thesaurus to find alternate words. “…pebbles followed curiously behind…”

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +2 (from 4 votes)
  • Gabriel

    all sorts of meh. so did one guy get diced up by a monster and then the other guy died driving his bits somewhere?

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • BlueBeans

    Anonymous……go hang urself. Thanks!

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: -10 (from 14 votes)
  • BlueBeans

    Blah I’m sorry my bad.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: -9 (from 13 votes)
  • Smee

    Overly descriptive, not-so good ending. Needs more of a mystery, no?

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +2 (from 4 votes)
  • Privyet

    Terribly written

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: -3 (from 3 votes)
  • RedBeans

    BlueBeans… chill the fuck out.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +4 (from 6 votes)
  • http://dirjel.deviantart.com Dirjel

    …Aliens? They crashed into the barn and are living in a crater now?

    Anyway, WTF is with that title?

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
  • BlueBeans

    Redbeans…stfu! Thanx!

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: -7 (from 7 votes)
  • BlueBeans

    And I see folk wanna try me on here because I’m a little ….uh…bolder than most. Whether you guys like m y comments or not I will continue to read and comment on these pastas. I have just as much right to express myself as YOU shits do!!!! mind ya businesses and lets keep things pleasant. Good Day

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: -4 (from 6 votes)
    • KlonE SK

      BurnedBeans

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • RedBeans

    *hypocritical

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
  • Kelso

    Well, here is my interpretation. The maroon orbs were in fact eyes, considering that they “vanished in a blink, and would reappear in another.” The man that walked into the hole in the ground was torn to shreds by whatever was down there. So the other man at the top of the hole high tailed it out of there ultimately crashing his truck, and his scab was infected apparantly :)

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +6 (from 6 votes)
    • Christian Mobarak

      Makes sense.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • BlueBeans

    Shut up,already.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: -3 (from 3 votes)
  • bravo104

    the horror! his scab was… infected!

    really? the thing with the joint highest kill count in this story is a scab?

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
Back to top
mobile desktop