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Some Rubies Could Use Dental Work



Estimated reading time — 4 minutes

They were on their hands and knees staring into the large gash in the ground. Mallory gripped the loose gravel at the lip of the hole under his calloused fingers, and his nose flared up from the rolls of dust cascading up his snot sloshing nostrils. Charcoal caked their faces. Benjamin’s was blacker than the canopy of darkness over the splintered out barn roof. The sky’s hue shifted like a panther’s fur rolling in the shadows of fanning jungle leaves.

And Mallory nudged Benjamin with his dirt matted shoulder again, which Benjamin ignored again, and a loose board fell from the buckled open barn ceiling again. Water had collected over its white painted roof and soaked into its boards, eventually causing its ceiling to cave, smashing two cows dead, and one pig unconscious. The floor was wet.

The barn animals ignored the two men.
Benjamin said to Mallory, “Your arms are larger.”
Mallory said, “What has that got to do with anything?”
“Means you’ve got more of a hulk of muscle,” Benjamin replied. “Logic, logic: so you creep down there.”
Mallory shook his head.

They were staring at a pair of glowing maroon orbs moving around deep in the belly of the hole. The orbs vanished in a blink, and would reappear in another. Mallory shifted his soggy knees in the mud.

“What are they?” Benjamin asked.
“I told you when you asked last,” Mallory said, “I haven’t the foggiest clue.”
“What do you suppose?”
“I don’t suppose anything,” Mallory’s feathered eyebrows scrunched down and the creases at the edges of his mouth fell into a bulldog’s frown. “Supposing never got any guy anywhere.” He supposed that was true.

Benjamin scratched at a flaky scab stinging behind his ear. The two continued to sit there like tables, their palms in the dirt, knees in the mud, and rears asking for a kick into the maw of the hole. Benjamin scratched behind his ear again. His muddy fingers were stained mahogany, and he supposed the back of his ear probably looked something like a seeping volcano. At this moment, the scab was infected.

“How big do you suppose it is, Mal?” Benjamin asked.
“I told you, I don’t suppose anything,” Mallory snapped. “Haven’t you got a revolver in your truck, boy?”
Benjamin shook his head and said, “Just the roofing materials.” Benjamin placed the base of his palm against the oozing scab behind his ear and squinted from its sting. He held it there for a while. “Why are you so scared, Mal?” He asked, and glared at the dripping plastic brim of Mallory’s hat.
“It’s dark down there. I’m not risking my hide if those globes turn out to be a pair of cuddling fireflies,” Mallory said. “I guess you shouldn’t either, in that respect.” Mallory lifted his hat for a moment and pushed his water wrinkled fingers through his thinning hair, which was sopping with a mixture of sweat and rainwater. “But what if they’re valuable, like gems, or whatever?”
“Or whatever?” Benjamin asked.
“Luxuries,” Mallory smiled for a moment, showing a silver tooth at the corner of his mouth. “And what if we let them slip when they were right at our fingertips.” He shoved a hand down the front of his pants to fix the way his clothing clung to his legs. “The only thing worse than death is letting good things fall into less deserving hands than your own,” Mallory said.
“Then you’re going down?” Benjamin asked.
“In what sense?” Mallory replied. He burped. “Never mind,” he quickly added, then continued with, “You know, kid, you ask a lot of questions.”
“That’s the best way to learn, isn’t it?” Benjamin replied. “From questions?”
“It’s the best way to learn how to dig yourself your grave.” Mallory showed his teeth in a grand smile and said, “Bring me that nail gun in the back of the truck. You remembered to bring it, right?”

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Benjamin did remember, and reluctantly, he brought it to Mallory.
“You wait at the lip of this hole, you understand?” Mallory said, testing the nail gun on one of the wooden wall panels of the barn. The animals glanced over at Mallory and sighed.
Mallory slipped down into the hole and some pebbles followed him down for the first few steps of his descent.

 

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“What happened to this one?” The doctor asked one of the nurses.
She explained, “He was found on the side of the road with his head buried in his steering wheel and the horn blaring.” She knew he was staring at her tightly covered breasts. They were frequent clients to each other’s novelties. “And he was unconscious,” she added.
“Well of course he was unconscious,” the doctor laughed and smiled a bit. “So what specifically killed him? Trauma from the accident, or what?”
“Look here,” the nurse said, and turned the corpse on its side. There was a large pulsing crater on the back of his head. “Sepsis.”
“Um,” the doctor said, and his eyebrows rose. “Interesting.”
“Yes,” the nurse replied and nodded after a short, awkward moment of silence.
“Well, I want to take a closer look at this one,” the doctor said, and gripped the side of the metal gurney. “Oh, and bring me any identification, or belongings that this man may have had with him.” And he began rolling the corpse on an almost-expense-free ride down the white blanketed halls of the hospital.
“Doctor,” the nurse said. She was still following him. “Aren’t you interested in the other one?”
“Other one?” The doctor said. “Well, wheel him in,” he said. He rotated his wrist around in an almost mocking way, signaling to the nurse to ‘hurry up’. “Time isn’t at our disposal to waste, dear.” The doctor winked.
“You’ll have to come down and see him where he is,” she replied. She stuffed her hands in either of her coat pockets. The intercom blared.
“What?” The doctor released the gurney from his grip and frowned at her. “Why?”
“Um, well,” she said, “he’s sort of been divided into many, many pieces.”

Credit To: Ian Hudick

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52 thoughts on “Some Rubies Could Use Dental Work”

  1. There was a monster under the barn with ruby-like eyes… And Mal went and got sliced to bits, then Ben tried to take his bits to the police or hospital or something? I really like the descriptiveness and imagery, but please, please maker sure you’re actually telling the story, please.

  2. I think that when they went down the hole the girl died in bits and the kid was soooooo freaked out he was involved an a car crash. That’s my therory

  3. I love this story! I guess it’s cause I’m a sucker for descriptions. Everyone says “too much description,” and that there’s no plot. I don’t think this story NEEDS a plot. It’s just a nice story about this monster who tore up some idiots. Yeah, because diamonds wrecked your barn. But, that makes for better horror stories sometimes.
    No, this story didn’t scare me, or creep me out, but nothing really does anyway. I just think this story should have a bit more appreciation than people calling it shit 24/7. This person can obviously write, and may not have even been trying to create a full-fledged story with a plot and all that. Just a little, ya know, short story too enjoy. And, to half the comments, it’s not THAT confusing. I actually almost perfectly understand it.
    Sweet, bloody nightmares!
    ~Slayer
    Edit: I’ve got to say, however, that I don’t really get the title.

  4. Tbh the moment I saw the words ‘snot sloshing nostrils’ in the first paragraph I couldn’t stop laughing and I couldn’t take the rest of the story seriously

  5. Christian Mobarak

    It seemed as if he was focusing more on the ‘tightly covered breast’ than the actual story.

  6. Pasta Connoisseur

    The maroon orbs were the eyes of something, and judging by the title, it was a monster with sharp teeth or something like that. The guy, Mallory, climbs down to what he thinks are gems. The story then skips to the hospital, and they detail that a man is in many pieces, obviously Mallory. However, the first patient in the hospital may have been Benjamin, due to the description of his head, though it was a bit vague to be sure. It implies (if it was Benjamin) that he was trying to outdrive the monster. Though, this doesn’t explain how they recovered Mallory’s remains, as surely the monster would have probably eaten him? Also if the monster was pursuing Benjamin then his body would have met the same fate, no? An ok concept, but large holes, too much description of the surroundings and not enough description of key factors. That was my interpretation anyways :) 5/10

  7. Good premise, good title (I get it, the thing with the “Rubies” has sharp teeth), decent descriptions, but nothing to glue it all together properly.

    REALLY needs events described between entering the hole and entering the doctor’s office. I would’ve described the events until Benjamin started the car (from my understanding, the monster spooked him so much, he ended up crashing the car).

  8. Help! I need someone to make sense of this story! The plot has a ratio of 0% sense, 100% stupidity. How is this not on Crappypasta? And the title, oh dear god. THE AUTHOR CAN’T EVEN REALIZE THAT THE CREATURES HE MADE AREN’T RUBIES!

  9. To-kill-or-not-to-kill

    Too many ideas, too many excessive details and no plot. Vivid description in creepypastas are used too add onto the creepiness, not have the story revolve around it. The change was too abrupt and this feels like your trying really hard to be detailed. What happened to the maroon orbs and what was down there? Was the ending supposed to be a twist ending or something? You have to work on the flow of your story and sentence structure. That aside, have an actual plot. Sorry for being too harsh, but this is pure honesty. I’m not saying this is the worst thing ever (this pasta is pretty close to it, though) you just have a lot of room for improvement.

  10. WAAAY too much description jesus fucking christ, there was too much unnecessary dialogue and detail (as I said) and over half the story was just two idiots blabbing about who should go in first, and how did they die what the hell was in the hole anyways there was too much detail and too less of an explanation

  11. Anabolic-o-holic

    Before we criticize the poor plot structure of this story, let’s get one thing straight. The main character is a man named Mallory who is scared of fireflies. That should tell you that the rest of the story sucks some serious kitten testicles.

  12. Before we criticize the poor plot structure of this story, let’s get one thing straight. The main character is a man named Mallory who is scared of fireflies. That should tell you that the rest of the story sucks some serious kitten testicles.

  13. Before we criticize the poor plot structure of this story, let’s get one thing straight. The main character is a man named Mallory who is scared of fireflies.

  14. the horror! his scab was… infected!

    really? the thing with the joint highest kill count in this story is a scab?

  15. Well, here is my interpretation. The maroon orbs were in fact eyes, considering that they “vanished in a blink, and would reappear in another.” The man that walked into the hole in the ground was torn to shreds by whatever was down there. So the other man at the top of the hole high tailed it out of there ultimately crashing his truck, and his scab was infected apparantly :)

  16. And I see folk wanna try me on here because I’m a little ….uh…bolder than most. Whether you guys like m y comments or not I will continue to read and comment on these pastas. I have just as much right to express myself as YOU shits do!!!! mind ya businesses and lets keep things pleasant. Good Day

  17. all sorts of meh. so did one guy get diced up by a monster and then the other guy died driving his bits somewhere?

  18. Bravo, good imagery for “Mallory slipped down into the hole and some pebbles followed him down for the first few steps of his descent.” This wasn’t over -worked or over-thought, it flowed wonderfully. Skip the second occurrence of the word “down” though. Consider using the thesaurus to find alternate words. “…pebbles followed curiously behind…”

  19. “Cascading up his snot ‘sloshing’ nostrils,” “The sky’s hue shifted like a panther’s fur rolling in the shadows of fanning jungle leaves,” ” Mallory nudged Benjamin with his dirt matted shoulder again, which Benjamin ignored again, and a loose board fell from the buckled open barn ceiling again.”
    “Mallory’s feathered eyebrows scrunched down and the creases at the edges of his mouth fell into a bulldog’s frown.” Is this the same author of Coatlicue? Seems leagues apart. Above is an example of over-description, repetitiveness (“again”) and what I might label ‘under-cooked description’ or simply overdone narrative. Also don’t use tags in front (Ben said,”thus and so”) unless showing action (Ben nodded then answered,”No.”) Very distracted through this read. Keep working on your writing and don’t try so hard. If it doesn’t flow in your proof-read, try a rewrite and never be afraid to nix what doesn’t ‘work’.

  20. The details were to excessive, the scene change was too abrupt and you never explained what happened or what the hell the “maroon orbs” were. If you’re trying to leave it to our imaginations than fine, but this was just horrible. It’s a shame because right as it got interesting it changed too abruptly. Try again!

  21. I know they say don’t judge a book by its cover, but I’m judging the shit out of the title. I don’t even want to read it [yet!] because it sounds stupid.

    1. I’m not saying it’s good I’m not defending this I’m simply saying if you’re going to pass criticism read the story

  22. Waaaaaayyy too much description. I frankly glazed over a bit after the first paragraph. I seriously did not need that much detail about anything.

  23. The writing was awkward and had way too much unnecessary description. The dialogue too was pretty stilted and sometimes was missing a word. I really think that this needs editing and way more plot. It didn’t build up any tension or creepiness. How did this one get through? I’m sorry, but I would have classified this as a Crappy Pasta.

  24. @blah..the first blah…what’s THAT posed to mean??? Watch ima throw u in that hole myself and watch what happens and maybe then I will finally understand the damned story!!!!!!!!

  25. I am guessing there was a monster they were looking at that killed the men and they thought the glowing orbs were gems or something and they turned out to be eyes? I don’t know

  26. Dafuq did I just read

    Seriously, there was so much description and zero plot, unless I am too stupid to see it in which case someone explain

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