Slenderman
After waking up with a jolt, the girl laid in bed a few seconds longer. Reaching over to switch on her bedside lamp, she tried to remember exactly what had stolen her sweet slumber away. When she couldn’t, the brunette swung her legs over the side of the bed and heaved herself up. Checking the time on her phone, she snorted when she saw it was midnight- the witching hour. Knowing that sleep would only evade her, she left her bedroom for the kitchen, a good cup of coffee on her mind.
As she passed by her front door, a chill spread like liquid fire down her spine. It’s only winter, she told herself, focusing again on the coffee plan. Measuring out scoops, water, and preparing her cup kept her occupied, but as the dark liquid boiled, she had nothing left to keep her mind from wandering off. The chill returned and she couldn’t help but glance behind her to the front door. It stood there innocently enough, just like always. The dead bolt was still in place and she could see nothing amiss with it. Turning back to her coffee, she did her best to forget about the feeling.
With her cup in hand, she started back towards her bedroom. As she walked by the front door, she decided that a quick glance out of the peep hole would help calm her restless mind. The chill worsened with each step she took towards the door and further away from the safety and warmth of her blankets. She pressed her empty hand against the cold, metal door and took a deep breath before leading her eye to the peep hole.
At first, she could only see an inky blackness and somehow seemed to swirl in itself. When she blinked in surprise, the void melted away. She wished it hadn’t. In it’s place, there stood what she could only guess was once a man. The limbs were long and inhumanly awkward, with bulky joints branching off into several arms, not unlike the branches of a tree. The creature was drapped in a black suit, somehow manking the thing more nightmarish to her. The icing on the proverbial cake, however, was what passed as the hellish thing’s face. It was as though her mind blurred the ghastly visage to spare itself further shock and horror.
She shoved herself away from the door with the hand still pressed against it. The scalding mug of coffee fell, the liquid burning her bare legs as she fell backwards and tried to crawl away from the door. She knew, somehow, that her mind hadn’t been playing tricks on her. As she crab walked away from the door, she watched as tendrels as black as the void she first saw snake around through the cracks. The girl was trapped between the instinct to flee and the gut feeling to not turn her back on the door. When the door jolted, the urge to flee overcame her and she slipped in the burning liquid as she tried to make it back to her room.
She knew deep down that she was trapping herself in a corner, but she had to get away from the door. The girl was halfway down the hallway when she heard the previously locked door creak open. She screamed and slipped into a wall, cracking her chin on it and stunning her.
After that, there was only blackness.
–
“Nicole?” a warm, male voice snapped the woman out of her trance. As she turned around, she was met by one of her sister’s doctor’s. She nodded, not sure if she should say anything, or even if she could find her voice if she did have something to say. That morning, she had gotten an urgent phone call from the hospital, saying that her sister, Lindsay, was there. Before they had even let her see her, the doctor’s had pulled her off to the side and insisted that they talk to her about what might have happened. Phrases like ’self-inflected’ and ‘assault’ had been thrown around and Nicole felt her mind reel.
She still hadn’t fully understood what they had been saying until she saw Lindsay with her own eyes. Her little sister had a bandage wrapped around her head, covering both of her ears as well as her eyes. They said it was to keep her now deadened eyes from drying out and to try to keep infection out of the wounds Lindsay had made to her ears. The doctors had guessed that either she or someone else had jammed a pencil into them to keep her off balance or to deafen herself against something. There was the mix of first and second degree burns on her hands, legs, and feet, from what was assumed to be the coffee her neighbors found slipped all over the entry to her apartment.
As Nicole walked into her sister’s hospital room the first time, she thought she had spied the silhouette of a man in the window. That, she knew, was impossible. Her sister’s room was on the third story of the hospital.
Nom nom
I couldn’t finish. This prose is fast approaching Eye Of Argon level. Write more casually.
Creepy. Although, they did skimp on the description of the creature’s face. WTF. Also, I did notice one possible typo: “…the coffee her neighbors found found *slipped* all over the entry…”
That was unnerving.
It reads like the American version of a scary Japanese pasta, ala the Ring or the Grudge or the Polished Turd.
The possessive form is “its”, not “it’s”. Other than that, fine I guess. Better than that Bwystfel or whatever it was.
I’m assuming ‘manking’ was suppose to be ‘making’. I learned more about coffee then I did about the Slenderman. O.K. pasta.
WOW! Pretty nice pasta.. Would totally read again..
Nom nom nom indeed..
the polished turd xD I LOVED THIS STORY. it was creepy. (;
Do not want…it seemed just like a plain story, nothing special going on
Finally! This site NEEDS more MH!
Premise was okay. Execution was horrible
lame lame lame…
Which is a shame–I love Slenderman.
THEN WHO WASZ SILHOUETE?
Ah, finally. A pasta about the classic Slenderman.
It could have been more descriptive, and to be honest, a little creepier. Decent pasta nonetheless. 6/10
Also, just to get it out of the way:
WHO WAS MAN?
Girl almost dies from black tendril corruption thing in house. Girl goes to hospital, and doctors are baffled. Girl’s sister goes to hospital to see her, finds out sister is dead, and she is going to be killed by said black corruption force.
Sounds a lot like the Grudge, and since the writing didn’t especially stand out, I’d put it at slightly above average.
Ending was … DEADPAN. It was such a good pasta. The right enough of suspense and the right amount of vague. That’s hard to achieve, but the ending could do with a little brush up. Or even replacing the last sentence completely.
Had potential though. Good work.
Marble hornets ftw.
Kind of a bland execution, which is too bad because the story itself is pretty good.
Congrats, you’ve managed to make a story about the Slenderman (the creepiest creation in Christendom) NOT SCARY.
I don’t mean to sound harsh, the idea behind the story was great - it was simply the execution that fell flat. Too much descriptive exposition will kill any story. Perhaps try a re-write with punchier sentences - allow the audience to fill in some of the blanks in their minds.
Meeeeh, it was okay… But you kinda made Slenderman look like a crazy tree-man in the mental picture I got.
And I am surprised that Slenderman hasn’t beed published here sooner… Good job on that one.
Only epic if reader is savvy to Slenderman imho. Nonetheless brix shat. Last paragraph needed to be written better.
armnoarmnarm! i’m not gonna sleep easily tonite!
Decent premise, but the writing was very sloppy. Too many times the sentences seemed to fumble about with the point, and there were various sentences and descriptions that served absolutely no purpose what-so-ever.
For example, what was the point in mentioning that Lindsay (the first girl) was a brunette? That point just seemed rather irrelevant to the story and was therefore needless padding.
The idea behind the story wasn’t bad, it just needs to have the language and structure cleaned up a bit.
Crappy pasta on an awesome topic.
Slenderman again.
BORING.
Well written story tho.
I thought it was pretty lame :/
I mean, most people go to bed at like, 10 at least. They wouldn’t be really waking up until later in the moring. Maybe like, 2 or 3 a.m.
plus, who gets a cup of coffee at 12? Coffee is supposed to wake you up, what does she plan to do? Stay up all night? She should have mad something to calm her down like, tea.
plus there’s that weird cut off. So was everything just fake?
oh, wait. Was the girl at the beginning the one IN the hospital, or the one visiting
Why does everyone think Marble Hornets invented Slenderman?
Incidentally, I like how the story kept the physical features true to the original, like the blurred face and such. Shame about the lack of explanation as to why he attacked her, but there we go.
When I read the title I thought it would be great. It was just average.
so who was TENTACLE RAPIST!?
did anybody ever used to watc hthat anime ergo proxy????who remembers the episode that took place in a mall where the proxy thing ywas fighting her,and it totally fit this description of slenderman…..hmmmm….
Proofreading is your friend. You should’ve handed this story to someone with basic knowledge of the English language before submitting it.
Aside from that, it wasn’t .. terrible. It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t an abomination.
Good pasta, I enjoy the Slenderman being a lot. At times I feel as though he’s real. Could have sworn Josef K had a story or two involving said character.
It was a nice story. Could have been better.
Too many descriptive words and long sentences.
Stop beating around the fucking bush and write the fucking story.
also the “witching hour” is three in the morning. Do your research.
wtf?
Someone finally made a Slender Man pasta…yay
I say nomnomnom because it is fun to say nomnomnom, not because of the pasta. I mean it was vauge really on what the creature did to her, other than shoving a pencil in her ear of course. Also, it should no be out during day-time because it has not yet been 12:00 a.m. I hope this teaches all of you peoples out there that you should never get out of bed at 12:00 a.m to make coffee and then look at the door. XD. By the way, if you don’t want this to happen to you, make a wish at 11:11 a.m/P.m and hope it doesn’t happen to you! *Ominous music plays in backround*
Scaramouche!
Awkward “shock” ending. I was at first under the impression that “Nicole” was addressing the same female from the previous paragraphs. It wasn’t til I got to the very end that I understood exactly what was going on.
badly written. the first thing i can notice is that the protagonist is referred as “she” during all the story, wich causes unnerving repetitions and makes the story harder to read.
also, i’ve noticed this “[the creature] was draped in a black suit, somehow manking the thing more nightmarish to her”
there is something wrong with this sentence, IMO, but that may also be me not knowing english too well.
I didn’t like this pasta because there are so many other stories like this that have been so much better. In the monster/beings catagory, I don’t know if you guys remember, but the first pasta I ever read was “La Muerta Blanca” the white death. That one scared me so badly that on day 1 I had nightmares all night! (It didn’t help that there were these freaky gargoiles outside my window… shudders) On day 2 I went back and read it again and agian and again. Trying to find loopholes, thinking about it logiclly. Now I continue to go back and read it because I picked it apart over time, and now there is nothing about that story that could scare me. This on the other hand, I picked apart in actually a matter of seconds, there was barely anything to pick apart. This is a story that doesn’t make me think at all. My favourite type is the stories that make you think. Because of this, I found that this story was utterly terrible.
God this was boring, not to mention horribly written. Seriously the entire thing was like some sort of creepypasta cliche.
Nomnomnom
pasta was tasty but could use more spice
A bit too much spice in this pasta, but still one of the few that actually gave me chills. The bad part was that the chills came near the beginning, when she was about to look through the door. After she slipped on her coffee, it started getting bland.
Plus, it took me forever to figure out who Nicole was.
So, overall, I’d give it a 6/10. Far better than other recent ones, but could use a fair amount of work. Great potential.
I think it was pretty good, definately creeped me out! I still think some things could of been changed, bits here and there don’t make sense.
This explains the unusual amount of creepypasta focused around tall, thin abominations we’ve been seeing recently
That was scary. Hollywood scary.
Well written except for that line about the proverbial cake icing. When I am thinking about the ghastly unknowable visage of Slenderman, I don’t want to associate him with icing. It was just a little too cliche.
Also, sister’s doctor’s what?
Other than the lack of good editing, though, not a bad read.
why would you drink coffee at midnight?
also, I think the ending could be re-tooled at bit.
overall pretty good
it was good at best.
i really think that you could have done more with slender man, but still pretty creepy.
Slenderman is the shit. i wonder why he was following a woman.. Doesnt he usually follow kids?
Witching hour is supposed to be at 3:00 am because demons use it as a mock ritual for when Christ was supposedly crucified around 3:00 pm. Lack of research really killed it for me on this one :/
totally average in my opinion.
Learn to apostrophe. This pasta sucks.
Methinks you were but too swift to reveal the element of the scare. I would suggest to you an idea pertaining to the development of your protagonists psychological assets before “unleashing the beast” as it were. Best of luck in future stories, my friend. Perhaps we will see this yet in a future installment of “Are You Afraid of the Dark” on YTV.
Oh. What a waste of good coffee.
SO WHO WAS SNAKE?
When the story switched perspective to her sister it wasn’t obvious enough. It wasn’t 100% apparent that this was a different person from the beginning until the part about the neighbors finding the coffee. A suggestion to make the transition more obvious is perhaps make the sibling visiting the hospital a brother because there’s a clear difference between male and female or atleast give the first lady a name.
Who was coffee?!
Om nom nom
Someone must of put meat in my pasta cause that shit was horrible.
“The creature was drapped in a black suit, somehow manking the thing more nightmarish to her.”
‘Manking’…
Is that like, a new evolution to Mankey and Primeape? Man, I’m so behind on all these new Pokemon..
anon says it sucks. i love this meme, you ruined it.
Well, this is my second time reading this. After looking Slenderman up, I can safely say,
Slenderman is the Tall Man from the Trilby games with a tie.
Therefore, Slenderman is the most badass thing ever.
And the most badass thing ever should not be in this silly pasta that I could barely get through. 3/10 for concept.
OMFG!
http://www.mythicalcreaturesguide.com/page/Slender+Man
He just wants his twenty dollas.
I absolutely love this pasta, but thats probably only because I am one of the biggest slenderman fans. By far the creepiest and most unnerving mythological creature.
I’m gonna jam pencils into your ears so you can’t hear me approaching! Even though I’d have to be pretty damn close to do it anyways….
Mediocre pasta, I give it a 6 / 10
OHSHIT. The door has legs?
I couldn’t get into it after I read the door was standing and the part where it said “was what passed as the hellish thing’s face”. The whole “the worst thing was” what passed as a face, or passed as human, etc… something passing as something… bleh. Overdone in creepypasta.
I just found that words were misused and thrown in willynilly (yes, that’s right, I said it) and it made it seem childishly written and poorly edited. Much like this comment.
“The dark liquid”? Just say coffee damnit. Enough of this “crimson liquid” “dark liquid” “clear liquid”. It’s blood. It’s coffee. It’s water. Wow.
Also. Why did she slip with her chin forwards? Generally someone slips, they lean backwards or fall backwards. Am I wrong? I think not.
Also. “The doctors had guessed that either she or someone else had jammed a pencil into them to keep her off balance or to deafen herself against something.” I doubt doctors would make assumptions like that.
All in all, it makes me angry. I wish this site had some standards, or at least a separate category for stories obviously written by 14 year old girls.
think it was ok slender man suposse to be tall but not that tall
slender man supose to be tall but not that tall
lies, slendermans likes teh minors
*slenderman
What makes you think this was fake?