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The Quiet House



Estimated reading time — 7 minutes

Okay so my story is actually one my grandmother told me about a house near where she grew up. I think she was about twelve when it happened so it was probably around nineteen thirty three? Thirty four? So she grew up in South Carolina, kind of out in the middle of nowhere, and if you went even further out, past the main shops and through the back roads and aaall the way out where there was nothing but woods and grass- there was a family who built a house out there. She said they hunted deer and squirrel and that’s pretty much all they ate. They never came into town, no one ever saw them.

So of course all the kids in the neighborhood want to see these people, rumors are running rampant about who they are and what they do and stuff. So every now and then some teenagers would go up there and try to sneak a look but no one is ever brave enough to actually get close, they always hear something and come out running- which is what my grandmother said she wished had happened that night. So anyway, she was twelve and she had an older sister who was sixteen at the time, her name was Lucy. All my grandmother ever wanted to do was to hang out with the older kids but they would drink and smoke so they didn’t really want her around. But then this one time, it was just Lucy and her boyfriend Ronald. They were sitting outside talking about that house in the woods, I guess the subject came up every now and then because, you know- small town. So Ronald said no one had ever really seen them up close ‘cause they were too scared to go up there. But then he corrected himself- he said there was only person who ever went up to the house and actually went inside. But he came back “wrong.”

He said it was this guy Gary who everyone in town knew as the crazy old man so no one listened to him but Ronald told them that Gary was the bravest of his group of friends when he was a teenager. It must have been just before the ‘20’s. He actually went inside once. He never told anyone what he saw or what happened because his friends didn’t want for him- they just took off while he was in there and the next time they saw him he was just, well, quiet. He just mumbled and every now and then and stared ahead not really paying attention. Since it was around their graduation time his group of friends all split up anyway but Gary stayed, he didn’t have parents, he lived above the grocery store where he worked and he’s just been crazy ever since, everyone just assumed he was always crazy.

Of course my grandma didn’t believe this story, she knew Gary and she was certain, like everyone else, that he had always been ‘touched’ as she calls it. She wasn’t really scared of anything, she just wanted to hang with the older kids, so she told them she would go to the house and even go inside if they let her hang out with them all night. Her sister said no way but her boyfriend Ronald convinced her. He said she would be too scared to get close anyway, and it would be funny.

So they all piled into his pickup and drove out. It was around seven so the sun had just set and they were out in the boonies, so basically there’s no light at all, it was total darkness by the time they got to the path that led to the house. He pulled over in case the family had rifles or shotguns, back then there wasn’t much in the way of gun laws and even now, I mean it’s South Carolina…

So they hiked it and I guess it was much longer than they realized. By the time they got close to the house they had been walking for like ten minutes so they were really far into the woods.

So they get to where they can see the house- the moon was the only source of light, they didn’t want to bring flashlights in case the family saw them. So Lucy and Ronald stay back in the path and they send my grandmother, the little twelve year-old out to go up to the house alone. Oh and it’s also important to mention that by now there’s marsh all around, the only dry area is the path she’s on. So she’s making her way to the house and she keeps hearing something making splashes in the water but she grew up around marshes so she doesn’t pay any mind to it, she knows it’s probably a duck or something. ‘Course she starts getting jittery about it when she realizes it’s getting louder as she gets closer to the house and it’s getting closer to her too. She can’t see anything that’s not directly under moonlight so she stops and tries to focus on the sound but it stopped too. By now she’s only a few feet from the house so she basically says screw it and runs up-

She puts her eyes between two boards that are nailed across a window and looks inside. It’s really dark but she says it didn’t matter because she could see by the moonlight that there was nothing in the house at all. No furniture or anything. She almost laughed thinking all this time people have been so scared to come to an empty house, the family isn’t even there anymore. And then she heard the splashing again, it was behind her now, across the path. She walked away from the house and went behind a tree to try to see what it was but trying to make sure it couldn’t see her. She peeked around the tree and she saw that whatever it was, it had a head full of long, matted hair –

Boo!

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Ronald and Lucy grabbed her from behind and scared the ever-loving crap out of her. She was so angry she didn’t even tell them she had seen or almost seen something- she just ran back to down the path towards the truck hoping whatever it was would come out and eat them or something, but I guess by this time she didn’t really believe she saw anything really. She assumed it was seaweed caught on a tree as these things always turned out to be and plus, she was happy they came down the path so she wasn’t alone which, as it turned out, now she was.

She thought about stopping and waiting for them but she wanted them to know how angry she was so she just kept walking. She got to the truck- when she looked up, she saw Ronald and Lucy leaning, waiting.

They saw her eyes turn to big white saucers and asked if she was okay. She just ran to the truck and told them it was time to go, the whole time she stared down the path- waiting for whoever it was that had been pretending to be her sister and her boyfriend to show up and attack them but they took off before anything happened.

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The whole ride home she was quiet. She didn’t know what to make of what happened so; she didn’t make anything of it. She just closed her eyes and listened to the road all the way home. No one else talked either so it was easy for her to drift off.

She woke up just as they pulled into the driveway. Her sister kept saying “Delicious, delicious.” But she didn’t know what they were talking about and didn’t really care, she just wanted to go home to take a shower, sleep and forget everything. She hopped off the truck and they called after her,
“Don’t you want to hang out anymore?” Ronald was the one asking, her sister just looked at her and smiled.

She said no and went inside. She said it wasn’t until she was taking a shower that she realized she had smelled something the whole time since she woke up in the truck – blood.
She looked down and sure enough there it was, a long thin stream coming from her legs and circling the drain. I know it sounds gross but it wasn’t her period or anything, she was still too young- though she thought it might be for a second, until she realized it wasn’t coming from her leg. She wasn’t sure where it was coming from actually, so she got out, as soon as she turned the shower off her sister knocked on the door-

“I thought you was coming with us. We’re gonna get burgers at the Shanti Shack, come on.” Her sister had this friendly kind of tone in her voice, it seemed like maybe she was really sorry for making her go up to the house but even then- that’s not how Lucy usually reacted to being sorry. She would pretty much act like nothing happened and just be cordial with you. She’d never actually be nice. And then my grandmother heard it again- her sister whispering it behind the door-

“Delicious, delicious…”

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And that’s when she felt the sting on the back of her neck. It’d been there the whole time she just didn’t realize it. It was very small but so deep it still hadn’t stopped bleeding. There was a tiny little window in the bathroom that faced the driveway, she looked out and saw Lucy marching with Ronald- both pissed beyond words and yelling-

“How could she leave us like that, all we did was scare her a little! My shoes are all worn! And she took your truck!? How’d she even learn to drive?!”
There was another knock on the bathroom door…

“I just want a little more.” It said. Then- as the couple came into the house she heard a SMASH! The window in the hallway was broken, her real sister showed up and my grandmother hugged her tighter than ever before. Whatever it was in the hall was gone now. Of course she didn’t sleep through the night for weeks after that.

The worst part- well all of it is the worst part, but the worst part for her and I think for me is that every now and then she would wake up- the window would be open and the back of her neck would be bleeding again. I asked if she didn’t think she scratched herself in her sleep. She said maybe, but it wasn’t until she saw the blood when she woke up that she remembered having a dream about a caterpillar that would burrow into the back of her neck, the whole time she would keep hearing a voice repeating, “Delicious, delicious, delicious.”

Credit To – Sessions

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24 thoughts on “The Quiet House”

  1. This pasta is in narrative spoken form from the point of view of, presumably, a young teen or younger person.

    ‘so’ is an excessively common word in spoken form.
    So, it’s actually kinda…normal.

    (Ps. Check your ellipses?)

  2. there were genuinely creepy parts of the story, but at the same time, it seemed a little rushed, and mixed up. and, oh yeah. is it just me, or do catapillars make horrible protagonists? :(

  3. I thought the story was decent for a start, and to have been a conversation to story pasta wasn’t badly done. The order of details and, as others have said, the rush of it all kind of threw it off.

    Also, sometimes a detail can remove a reader from the story. For me, it was that the author felt the need to allude to a twelve-year-old as being too young to have their period (and the inclusion of the break from the story to say that it sounds gross to mention).

    Maybe that the blood wasn’t flowing from any visible part of the body and it creeped her out would have been a better alternative?

  4. I liked it. If your grandma really told you this story, that’s awesome. It did sound like someone just talking around a campfire, telling a story, rather than writing one, but I liked that too. Makes it seem more real. The only thing I noticed was the overuse of the word “so.” But SO what? Adds to the campfire tale effect.

  5. I think this story would have been waaay creepier if it was about the girl instead of her grandmother, and at the end the girl suddenly wakes up and feels blood on the back of her neck (which she originally thinks is sweat), only to hear the entity whispering “delicious, delicious” in her ear. But it was still a pretty interesting story with a lot of potential, so I give it a 7/10.

  6. Rutabaga_machine

    This had some really bad grammatical errors, but other than that, it was a great story with a good storyline.

  7. Overall, I liked it.

    I didn’t notice the over-usage of the word “so” like the others, so I don’t think it’s really that big of an issue. Yes, you’ve overused it, but it’s not as bad as people are making it. It’s not like some pastas I’ve read where someone talking in third person will repeat the character’s name 10 times in a row.

    My biggest complaint is the tense shift you made. The entire opening is past-tense. Suddenly, when your grandmother gets to the house, however, it becomes present tense. Then it goes right back into past-tense. That is a noticeable mistake. Though, given the way this pasta was constructed (as though we were having a conversation and you’re recounting a story you’ve heard), I don’t count it too hard against the pasta. Sometimes people change tenses when they speak for whatever reason.

    To sum up, these small points aside, it was a good pasta. I liked the double twist. It was creepy. While I don’t get the need to mention the caterpillar, I don’t feel it took away from the ending. Good read.

  8. I mean it was a synopsis of an oral story so I’m sure it would sound a bit like this. They’re just telling us what they heard. I thought it was good and fucking creepy. But the thing I don’t get is why the doppelgängers didn’t just take her somewhere right from the path. But other than that this was creepy as shit. I pictured it in my head and if you did yourself I’m sure you’d feel the same. Reminds me of this abandoned house I used to be scared shitless of in West Virginia. Crazy.

  9. I think this pasta has a lot of potential! While I agree that it felt rushed and too conversational, I think the concept itself was very original. The ending, to me, was very creepy. The thought of some creature coming back night after night to “taste” someone is repulsive on many levels.

    Don’t give up! Even though I had some constructive criticism on this piece I also think you have a really great creative mind. If you refine your voice and check your repeat words/other small errors, you will have even more spectacular pasta.

  10. Wow, that REALLY failed to hook me… Maybe it’s wrong to judge a story when you zoned out a few times but looking back, I blame the pasta… The opening paragraph is just terrible. When I’m reading a story I shouldn’t have to worry about my eyes wandering to the girl on the right side of my screen in the advertisement, especially when she wasn’t even that hot.

    anyway i guess that was sort of rambling, but I think you get the picture… Starting your pasta by saying, “so this isnt really my story but its good so lolz ima tell it ryte now and blahblahblahblah” makes it really hard for any reader to focus.
    Good characters, strange concept, REALLY bad execution… Nice try.
    5/10

    1. I lold at your comment cuz of the tshirt girl ad part. When I load a page with the sexy tshirt ads I refresh until its an ad that lets me focus a little more lol

  11. I think there was an interesting story in here somewhere, but it was too rushed to fully understand. The overly conversational style was a little distracting as well – there were three paragraphs in a row that began with the word ‘so’. That word was used a bit too much in the beginning too.
    There were parts that were genuinely pretty creepy, but again, it all happened so fast that it was hard to really make sense of anything. If this had been more detailed and drawn out it would’ve added to the suspense… As it is, there’s very little suspense and I found myself having to pause and reflect on the story to understand it better, and I still feel like I don’t understand it fully. The events were just sort of… Hasty. Plus a few grammar errors that detracted slightly from the story.
    7/10

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