The tipper tapper of a finger echoes through the small dark room.
Sometimes even whispers bounce off the walls from other rooms,
whispers that do not make sense to me.
I would hear things like, “Stop it, he’ll see us”
and “Quickly, don’t trust him”
or just the moans of torment and despair.
Living your past over and over again, until your end.
Then you’re back in the white room, and the flashbacks of people’s departure move on to the next dorm. Sometimes a death is so horrific, shrieks of agony seep through the thin layer of walls that separate all of us.
It upsets me sometimes, hearing the pain and sorrow of others, so I block my ears and close my eyes tight so they don’t see me crying. That’s what they want, they laugh at us.
Hysterical laughter echoes round the rooms, like being bullied in a playground, being surrounded by people who laugh at you and pick on you. That’s what it feels like. I’m not going to give them the satisfaction. As the screams get more disturbing and agonized, the hysterical laughter gets louder
and darker.
When a toddler throws a tantrum and you ignore them, you think they would stop, but they don’t,
they try harder and harder until you give in. That is what these sick people do.
Whenever I ignore or try fight my senses and vision not to blur into my past,
they begin to get angry and impatient. You can hear them grunting or sometimes they just go completely quiet. As they do, they try to make your past more enhanced and scary until you give in to their little game.
So let me give you some advice, when you die, calmly walk to the light in front of you.
Don’t stop, even if you get weak or weary, do not stop until you reach the light.
Ignore the person breathing down your neck, persuading you to turn back.
No matter how much he sounds like your dead father.
Ignore him.
Credit To – JJ Wilton
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this stuff is crazy
Huh.
Excellent concept; poor execution.
Pretty good
This was entertaining, and easy to understand. I enjoyed it and rated it 10/10. Good job.
I wasn’t crazy about the pasta as a whole, but the last line was frighteningly eerie and thought-provoking.
That’s eerie and dark. I disagree with sepia. It was sort of abstract, and the uneven beats that sep was describing were in a way seemingly intentional. Disorder makes for some randomness which could describe the mental state of the narrator. #COUGH# *Big word mode off*
Good job I liked it. Not exactly perfect (I mean there isn’t perfection this is an art, but still) so I’d give it an 8.5/10.
great, could’ve been better with more background and more detail, you could’ve even described some of the flashbacks.
Last line….shivers.
What is the picture supposed to do? Is it supposed to be a pop up or something? Also, what does this pasta mean? I can’t find anything to associate it with. If someone has answers, please reply!
Can’t really explain the picture, but I believe the main gist of the pasta is that when you die, and “see the light” there are things trying to lure you away from peace, or “Heaven” and into “Hell”.
I didn’t quite understand the pasta until your comment but I think I understand it now, the descriptions were really good and kind of gave you a good feel for it
i dont understand doode
Descriptionpastas are hard: they rely exclusively on the illustrated creepiness of the situation, often at the expense of plot or even characters, as this piece demonstrates. While this piece had most things needed to make a creepy descriptionpasta, it stuttered in execution and ultimately wavered.
The first thing that struck me was the structure. I think the author was aiming for a beat, timing the passages with spaces and line breaks to deliver emotional impact. While the attempt was laudable, I thought that ultimately it tampered with the pacing: the line breaks read like awkward dramatic pauses. This, coupled with the pasta’s tendency to repeat things and belabor quite obvious details, made the pasta needlessly slow and stilted.
The setting was an interesting concept; the personal horror of purgatory was well implied. I liked how the pasta focuses on the immediate experience, leaving just enough to tickle the imagination: the ending was quite strong in this.
That said, the descriptions themselves were IMO lacking; they couldn’t quite convey the experience. They felt rote, only briefly touching the horror– in fact, sometimes they felt more like matter-of-fact statements, not helped by the uniform tone of the piece.
Without the strength of descriptions, this pasta felt rather hollow. There was an overall lack of characterization, and the pasta lacked a moving plot. I expected a sort of escape attempt, or a description of the emotional rigors– some sort of climax; there were none of these.
Overall, good concept, but very flawed execution. 5.8/10
meep
I agree with Sepia
I agree with Magma
sepia’s comments are really fun to read
I disagree. You say you wanted a climax, but perhaps to the protagonist there is no climax. To be half alive, an endless cycle of struggle and torture and pain, no variations, no real changes, no climax no conclusions- would that not be hell? What drives us in life is the fact that life will, like every part of life, end. We live while we’re young, we do or die. We fear or we look forward to the end. Death must be the polar opposite.
Honestly, although Sepia’s reviews are always a pleasure and mostly agreeable, I agree with you much more. A never ending cycle of ones pain and hardship only to end in a terrible death and restart would be hell. And yes I see how nice an actual plot would’ve been but I feel that was not the goal with this pasta.
Please excuse any bad spelling.