• Freaky Fred

    Well, let’s see. First of all, this is extremely well written. You are a good author, and you’ve created a relatable, well-rounded character and an interesting villain (I suppose you’d call him that), with only a few minor grammar errors that don’t really detract much from the story.
    But I’m sorry, this NEEDS MORE SCARY SAUCE. Sleep paralysis is a real thing. While it’s interesting and certainly scary to those who experience it, it’s not scary to hear about. The chronic nature of the character’s affliction made me sympathize with her, but nothing happened to her or by her because of the ailment, except she gets tired and occasional head rushes.
    The only thing remotely climactic was…that ending. What…the hell? You had an out-of-body experience, and now you are doomed to wander aimlessly with your sleep paralysis demon until the end of time? The scientific basis of the story at the beginning makes me extremely unwilling to accept the sudden departure from real science. I don’t like that at all.

    With a strong scientific backstory like this had, your best option would’ve been to go with something psychological as a climax. Have your character get information/instructions/driven mad by Moch (either premonitions of reality or just total lies, both would work), rather than the disappointing ending you used. She could’ve been driven to kill someone (or herself), or all sorts of more interesting/scarier things. In the hands of a writer like you, I have no doubt THAT story could become one of the creepypasta classics.
    But please keep writing. You’ll get there.

    And I would ditch the name Moch. I keep pronouncing it Mowch, which sounds dumb. Even if that’s not the right pronunciation, that’s what I keep using subconsciously.

    7/10

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    Rating: +8 (from 8 votes)
    • Helena

      Thank you for your input!!! i honestly didn’t believe this story was scary enough to be put on this website, but submitted it for sh*ts and giggles anyway, since i had a few stories i’d written a while ago and was wondering if the quality was good enough to post online.. I REALLY appreciate the advice. I’ll definitely put some more thought into the ending and see what happens if and when i re-post. (:

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      • http://organicmatterofopinion.tumblr.com M. Flynno

        i don’t know, but i felt that was AMAZiNG!!!! it really had just the right amount of scary, not to mention it was EXTREMELY well written!!! You should keep writing and submitting, beacuse that was just incredible!
        i went through random pasta.. thank you!!

        just bravo

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  • Abracadavre

    This was so disappointing. Nothing really creepy about it, but it was really good up until the end. It almost seems like the ending really had nothing to do with the story at all.

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    Rating: -3 (from 7 votes)
    • ẠbracadaveЯ

      Lol, seeing almost my own name turn up here is creepier than the pasta. Doppelgänger! Not really but you know. :P
      Nicely written pasta, but yeah, lacking something.

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      Rating: +2 (from 4 votes)
  • jennifer

    Forget whatever everybody else that ending was so deep and I like it I mean yah you could have made it scarier but that wouldn’t have matched great writing and you were very fluent you should try some more.

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    • Helena

      Thankkk youuu allll. Whether you liked it or not, im glad to have some input. :3

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  • heypepsi

    the ending romanticized the story. i liked it, but not in terms of fright.

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  • IKE

    was lucky enough to experience that… vibrating feeling and paralysis when waking up after a dream. I tried moving, but it just wouldn’t work. I finally moved my toes and the vibrating stopped and I was whole again. It was fun, but strangely disturbing…

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  • WhatisthisWinter

    ‘You’ Almost made me ‘stop reading the story’ At the start because of ‘awkward’ Sentences, However, it got better as it went along, and ended alright. 7 out of 10.

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    Rating: +1 (from 3 votes)
  • anonymous

    Very difficult to read… your writing style is advanced, however I feel you could have done more with the story.

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  • Mayah

    Though it wasn’t exactly scary, the story was so fluent. It’s the first creepypasta I bookmarked, tbh. Something about the way it wraps up is poignant. And there’s something a bit special about stories that can really make you think, rather than those that just try and scare you with the usual stuff- scary dolls, creepy kids, and all that. That being said, I feel it should have a higher rating.

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  • Narissa

    This is a very well writen story. It is not exactly creepy, but it was pretty deep. I felt some sort of sadness while reading this story, but that’s a good thing because you reached out to your readers’ emotions. I have always been interested in sleep paralysis and lucid dreaming and all that, so I guess that’s why this story was so interesting to me. And it’s a coincidence that my classmates and I were talking about sleep paralysis and lucid dreams today.

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  • grey

    I LOVED THIS PASTA! delicious! you are an amazing author… it was very creative, and pretty scary. It wasnt pee your pants scary but if it happened to me i would be freaked! Loved how you made his name Moch. 9/10

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  • armin

    Even though this is a story i feel it is written well enough for me to kinda believe it, i also would really enjoy it if there were more stories about the character/you and moch

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