“What’s this?” Pamela asked, running her hands over the verdant green cloth. Whatever it covered stood a nearly a foot taller than her. It was roughly rectangular shaped and she could feel what felt like molded metal underneath her fingers.
“An old family heirloom,” Shauna answered. Her skin glowed milky white in the soft moonlight that filtered into the room. She reached out and touched it fondly, caressing it. “It’s the only thing I kept. It’s a reminder of where I came from and who I used to be.” She put a hand on Pamela’s shoulder and smiled. “Go ahead you can look at it.”
Pamela pulled the cloth and it fell in ripples to the ground. She gasped at the full length mirror before. Ornate designs of winged angels ran up and down the gold plating surrounding the mirror that now reflected the dim room back at Pamela. She squinted her eyes as she looked in the mirror, feeling Shauna lower her head next to Pamela’s own. And as she looked she realized that in the mirror she stood alone even as the hand on her shoulder tightened.
Credit To – Star Kindler
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anyone else shipped them?
Getting tired of the ‘hands tightening’ line. Would have been spookier without.
Perfect length for this, but Pamela seems a bit dull ^^ “Hey friend, come to my attic night to look at my mirror!”
Otherwise, it was good. You could make a longer story out of this about Shauna’s origin. You has the potentials ^^
Is Pamela Shauna’s friend or her daughter?
This was a cute little short one. I liked it.
Not sure if the winged angels are so obvious that people overlook them, or? I thought it was quite clear Shauna was a fallen angel. Not showing up in the mirror, “reminder of where I come from,” as in heaven? As fallen angels and the legend of Satan hisself were angels in the beginning, I assumed that this was about one of the two. Not vampires. Anyway! A good micro pasta, not sure why micros tend to be rated so low.
I really like it I think it should be longer but that all and yas I think she a vampire not a ghost u can see ghost in mirror not vampire and I LOVE VAMPIRES that why I like it to^-^
I LOVE IT!!!
Dialogue is a rough start to any story: essentially, you are telling the reader that the context of the dialogue is entirely unimportant. If the context is unimportant, that actually usually means that the dialogue itself is unimportant. So you secretly indicate to the reader that the story itself is tosh. To be fair, skilled writers can make a dialogue opening work, but it is much harder to do.
Ideally, in an opening, you would want to establish a little bit of setting, character, and plot (yes, that’s a lot to do, so you normally have to settle for just one or two of the three). Asking about the object could be taken as a clue about the plot, but the story isn’t actually structured that way. Plots are a bit like brackets. The first one opened in the last one closed, like this: ([{}]). By starting with the object, you are indicating that the horror in the story actually rests with the object. In fact, you aren’t just indicating this, you are promising it. Unfortunately, the plot about the object (an Idea type of plot, per the M.I.C.E. quotient) is resolved in the middle of the “story.” The character plot (about Shuana) opens in the middle of the story, and that is what gets resolved at the end. So, in other words, the story starts (or ends) with the wrong plot thread.
Finally, I’d recommend working on descriptions. “Verdant” is the color of life and lush vegetation: it’s not exactly a creepy color, but rather a bright happy one. Build up the feel of the piece by choosing the right descriptors. Also, draw in a multitude of sensations. If the Main Character is running their hand over the cloth, describe the feel of the cloth. And how does the room smell, how does Shauna sound, etc? Because the piece starts off with dialogue, we start with a lack of setting, and that lack is never really overcome.
You, I like you.
Very helpful criticism. I definitely took notes.
I have a narration of this pasta on my channel if you would like to check that out. youtube.com/belacgames. Congratulations on your pasta Star Kindler.
So… I’m the main character? Hahah I’ll run as fas as I could to the road if I were really there XD
You know, I really thought this pasta was written very well. The manner in which the author described the story was very good.
In a certain sense it’s good: vivid, atmospheric, faintly Gothic , and a decent scare.
I guess the problem is that it’s perhaps too brief. We don’t have any context. There’s no time to formulate any assumptions about who Shauna is, so we’re not surprised when we find out they were wrong. It’s like a funny punchline that lacks a joke.
It was well written, but nothing special.
Confusing. People are say ghosts then vampires all I know is I’m confused
This was good – why all the harsh ratings? I feel it lacked a little descriptive setting in some places but apart from that…
a good short pasta! :)
8/10
The harsh rating might come, at least in part, from the fact that if the last line was removed, the piece wouldn’t be appropriate for this site, as it would not longer be “creepypasta.”
Delicious :D
Ah, a vampire thing.
I actually like this!
Shoulda kept that green cloth on there, Pamela!!!!!
Cool, short little pasta though :)
It was….ok. I think it was a bit short and you kind of gave away Shauna being a ghost. 7/10
she was a vampire
You mean vampire? Ghosts show up in mirrors.
Says who?