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Jack Nice



Estimated reading time — 14 minutes

Frequently among one’s daily travels are others often overlooked by the dizzying pace of modernization. I recall, however, an incident in my own life when the most peculiar of happenings occurred. The day it took placed upon had been the most average among many. I had ventured to town, be it by the cheapest means available, by bus.

I had bought some cleaning supplies for my bathroom, shared by four other individuals, for I lived in a dormitory back then. Still, with my meager savings, I indulged myself with few snacks that I planned to nibble upon when writing my daily quandaries in the early hours of the morning. By my stomach’s accord, I also purchased a juicy Reuben sandwich from a local Shoppe; as was its namesake.

It had been down pouring since the morning, a common occurrence this far north by the ocean in California. It was not till late in the afternoon that I went, the rain making me reluctant to go earlier. By the time I had gotten what I needed and had eaten dinner that early evening had fallen. Fearing I would miss the few and fleeting last buses back to campus, I jogged hurriedly from the Shoppe to the nearest bus stop, leaving a generous tip on my way out.

Nearly out of breath by the rabbit like sprint and queerly lightheaded, I noticed how eerily quiet and dark everything had become. The ever flowing traffic and people seemed vacant as the dim buzz of the overhead lights seemed to be my only company. As I journey closer to the benches, it became clear that I was not alone.

Illuminated the overhead lights was the outlined the form of a slender man, thinner then my own scarecrow-like physic, who leaned against the glass frame of the bus stop with a hand in his pocket while the other held a cigarette he was smoking. Not being one for the smell of burning or tobacco, I simply strolled by him taking a seat on the farther bench so I would not suffer inhaling in more second handily than need be. Soon after, I could hear his shoe rubbing against the asphalt, most likely putting out the cigarette before I could hear him coughing violently. Out of curiosity, I looked out to see if he was alright only to be greeted by his prodding footsteps as he approached the benches.

Quickly I drew my head back hoping it would be unnoticed as by my surprise he stood before me in the bleak light scenery. It was here I noticed the strangeness of his appearance, as he had been cloaked by the shadows prior.

Physically; his skin was a strange pale whiteness that seemed chalk-like in comparison and his eyes were a glowing green that looked as if they could burn by their gaze. Of his attire; he wore a flowing black overcoat that seemed tattered by the weather and a matching black fedora.

Under it, he appeared to be wearing a full dark purple suite that blended in color with the overcoat. Contrasting that was the snow white undershirt; bright red rose nestled near his suit jacket’s peaked lapel, and milk white coverings of his dress shoes. One could speculate that he looked either like someone from the 1920’s-1940’s pulp fiction gangster or a theater performer.

He stared at me for what must have been a good five minutes before he came close and sat down next to me. When he sat, I could see another strangeness about him which was his mouth being covered by a medical mask. Of any normality, his hair was jet black like my own and his height was only great by mine by six or seven inches. By his looks, I gathered he was only older then myself by one or two years.

There was nothing but silence as I sat there, with growing apprehension for this stranger and his eccentric atmosphere he had about himself. I was nearly at the seams of distress before he began talking, at first starting with a soft rasping whisper to normal speech.

“Hey there, Kid. Sorry to rouse you if you don’t feel like talkin’ but I’d be a curious sorta fellow so figures to ask ya where you’d be headin’ tonight?”

His voice was a unique one, having both slang and dialect merge into a gruff yet guttural tone that was slightly comical. I informed him that I was heading back to my dorm and that was a student of college not far from here. His eyes widened.

“College boy, eh? How nice that must be for you. I’d never felt obligated to be one. Oh, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I’m some sorta guy who feels he couldn’t hack away at it and do it. No, I’m very educated. Could a gotten to Oxford or Yale with my standings in school. Its just…”

The tone in his voice became soft and incoherent that it seemed like he was mumbling to himself. It was then that I had noticed he was staring down at a picture he held loosely in his right white gloved hand. From what I could make of it, it appeared to be the boy when he was younger by two or three years with what I could assume was his mother. Unlike most pictures, the boy appeared to have a listless face while his mother a light smile. It made me more unsettled before I could hear his voice rising.

“ … I never just saw the point in any of it, you see. Now, I’m not sayin’ it’s a bad thing or anythin’. I can understand that most folks who are doctors, engineers, chemists…. What have you; need to future their education so they can do their jobs. But, you put in all that effort and what do you really get? A lousy piece of paper sayin’ you did it all. And who is that really for? Society and yourself. I never felt I had to prove anything to either.”

He began chuckling lowly after he said this but it was neither a laughing sort of chuckle nor a sad one, I could not place it emotionally. It was only a faint spell for he went about his ramblings not soon after.

“Always wanted to visit good ol’ Cali, though. Never could understand why, myself. I guess my body just sorta felt drawn to this place. Ya know, like someone who goes out in ta the world lookin’ fer somethin’ but they just can’t pin it down. Ya know what I mean?”

I nodded lightly an agreement before with the utmost tension in my voice asking where about he had come here from. If he was pleased by this I could not tell due to his covered mouth but his answer to it was a gentle tone that was unlike his low gruff and guttural voice.

“Arkport.”

Confused by this, I inquired of him just what he meant by that to which he replied with the high gruff voice that stammered slightly as he spoke.

“O-oh, my apologizes. It’s a small town in New York, you see. I know that most California folk like yourself probably think of the city of the same namesake when you hear that name. I suppose it’s how we think of L.A. when we heard the name California.

Truth is, though, the city was far away from where I lived. The town was an oddity itself, broken up into sections that spanned far and wide. Busy and lively as it was in its center, its outskirts were bare and bleak in population. That’s where we lived.

Honestly, the most morbid part of it all was, I could walk outside and not be three minutes from a cemetery.”

Echoing was that strange laughter as he fell into another small fit. With all he had told me, my mind could still not stop focusing on the picture he held. With curiosity getting the better of my normal restrained persona, I ask a bit bluntly of it. It was here his laughing ceased, his eyes looking downcast at the picture as they seemed to droop by a look of sadness.

This was only temporary as he turned to me and though his mouth was covered, I could feel him smiling widely back at me, almost unnaturally so. It was more unsettling that everything else about him but there was nothing I could now do but listen. With an acute attention to detail nestled in the back of my mind, seeking knowledge of this stranger’s origins and background. With a child like vigor back in his frame, he resumed in his raspy weathered voice.

“Ah, this old thing? I was wonderin’ when you’d acquire ‘bout it. Lot a people do when they see me. I can fancy you were probably lookin’ at it earlier but it’s fine.

Normal fella like yourself probably will assume that it’s of me and my mother. You hit it dead center, there, chief. It was taken…. When was it taken?

Two years ago? Four years ago? It slips my memory and the date was washed out by the weather. My memory hasn’t been good since two…four… years ago… I can recall everything else fine ‘cept then.

Well, that and my name. Was it Jack…? John….Johnny… James? I mostly just go with Jack to keep it simple.

Last name, too. Nappa… Norman… Newman…Napier? I decided just to have it be Nice.

Jack Nice, sounds friendly don’t you think?”

I nodded somberly. In truth, my apprehension had grown to slight fear at him for I at once recalled the all to true tales of the wandering homeless that sometimes settled among the old concrete ruins that lay like monuments of an ancient city behind the mall we were positioned by. My natural pessimistic assumptions led me to believe he was among them. One is never certain among the homeless those who may be unstable which is why precaution must often be taken.

By this fright of unknown, I felt compelled with my soul to flee but my curiosity to this man kept me stationed like an anchor in the deep dark depths of the ocean floor.

He reached in with his left hand to his jacket’s pocket, pulling from it a deck of cards before placing the picture into where the cards had been. He shuffled them wildly with both his hands, first a simple bridge before doing several small loops with them in the air. It was a surreal phantasm of circus like performance that lifted the dread I felt. He clutched the deck with both hands as he began simply shuffling them in his palms up and down. Once more, he ranted.

“I’ve loved cards since I was a small child. My grandparents, you see, would play hand and foot frequently. Probably as frequently as my mother and me would visit them. I was never good at either the games nor holdin’ them.

So I had this sorta gadget that allowed me to hold ‘em. My gram’ taught me basic games like go-fish and crazy eights when I was hardly even seven. I took to it like fish ta water, though. By the time I was fourteen, I knew all the games and held the cards like a master.

It became less of watchin’ the games and more of doin’, winning at that.”

He swiftly motioned the deck still in his hands as he drew a card from the top of the deck and held it out to me. His tone and look upon me became rather child-like as he spoke.

“Guess the card?”

Not one for parlor tricks but being a natural lucky guesser, I choose spades on the highest suit of the Ace. He filliped the card proving my guess correct.

“Bravo! Ace of Spades it is! That’s what my grandfather was, an Ace in everything he did. He was a master gardener and card player.

A kind man who loved children. I know because he loved me. Oh, how he held me on his lap as a child and the tales he would tell me! He taught me just about everything I know from cards to shuffle board to whistling like a bird.

He was quite the card, too! He would tell a joke by say either ‘Stop me if you’ve heard this one before’ or he’d just do it dead pan. Oh, I love him…. I love him….

I loved him…. But one day as he got up he had a stroke…. He wasn’t the same after that…. He looked the same, he sounded the same but he wasn’t the same…

I still loved him but then he just withered…… I couldn’t cry when it happened because I was far away than… When I was close, I never thought I could cry so hard…”

A sense of piety overcame me for this strange nightly phantom but when I was about to speak, he simply put the card on the bottom of the deck as he drew another card mimicking the same tone as earlier.

“Guess the card?”

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Perplexed by the oddity of continuing, I had no choice but to comply. I surmised it must be hearts and royal at that so I guessed Queen. He flipped revealing my guess correct yet again. If I could see behind that medical mask, I felt yet again he was grinning abnormally which held me with an unexplainable feeling of sickening dread.

Had he even ceased since my first assumption?

“Yessir! Right twice in a row! My mother and grandmother were Queens when it came to their hearts. My gram’ the kinder but my ma was still kind, maybe too kind in some ways. She never really asked much o’ me, grades or otherwise. Told me how proud she was that I was her son…. How she loved me…. Worked tooth and nail so we could have a decent life but workin’ only gets ya so far…”

His voice began to trail off again into a low mumble before rhythmically and mechanically, he flipped the card back upon the deck. Again he drew a card from the top in this gross pantomimed theatrical act as he held it out towards me once again, parroting the words.

“Guess the card?”

I wonder how long it had been now since I had first come upon this eccentric ghoul. I carried no watch on me and never one for time, I could scarcely tell five minutes from an hour. The next closest bus stop was rather far and I dared not venture that far in this nightmarish dark that had become the current atmosphere. I was bound to simply wait for mercy to be free of this stranger’s oddity.

Until that freedom, I was his audience. I guess the next would be the other black suit, clubs, and since it was on my mind of numeric numbers, I choose two. Again I could sense the ghastly smiled of his mouth as his green eyes looked into mine, shivers of fear running through my frame though my face did no convey it. He clapped comically, almost as if mocking me.

“Ding, ding, ding! Jackpot! Three sevens for the winner! All I ever got was two cents.

Two cents from my old man. He was always tryin’ to take me huntin’ or fishin’. Oh, I enjoyed the fishin’ and bein’ with him but he just drank all the time…

He eventually stopped takin’ me and left me alone at home while he went to the bar to drink all his money away…. When he didn’t work, he drank all ma’s hard earned money away…”

This time was different than the prior three for he began chuckling strangely as before yet it was drastically different. It felt sorrowful yet angry with a harsh bitterness. He grasped the three bottom cards and the top card while he dropped the deck, the cards sprawled chaotically about.

“It’s funny, Pal, it really is. My family, they were a stacked deck! I could tell when the ones who loved me were real and when the ones who didn’t were nothin’ but a bluff! They all said they loved me, they all said they cared but only a few of them ever meant it!

But, maybe the real sad thing ‘ bout it is, I still loved those who I could tell didn’t love me…. I was alone…. I had friends but they lived too far away… So I ponder to distract me from it eatin’ away at me…

I wondered my existence…. My place in the world….. The value my life had… I never could come up with an answer till one day…”

The lights above began to flicker strangely, unnaturally. There seemed to be a dawning look of malice in his eyes as he spoke.

“One day… Two or four years ago…. The person who I knew didn’t love me the most because all he loved was alcohol, my father, let me see the truth.

Oh, it was at first a day like any other, I was just home watchin’ cartoons when his car skidded sharply into the driveway. He flung the door open that it probably broke the handle as it hit the wall. He gave me this look, a look even in his most drunken of stupors I had never seen on him, as he told me to come with him to the bed room.

I was afraid, I told him no. He grabbed me by the arm and dragged me there, locking the door behind him. He told me to sit on the bed and face him. Shaking nervously, I complied.

His eyes burned into me. He removed his belt. Bitterly, unlike him, he asked me why I hated him. Shocked, I stammered to say what as he struck the belt buckle against my back. The sharp pain made me double over, feeling tears stream down my face.

He asked me it again. I tried raising my head and was able to speak a W before I saw the belt lopped around his fist as he smashed me with the buckle. The sharp snap of my nose breaking was beyond words.

Yet again, he asked the same mind numbing question. He gave me no chance as he struck my stomach with his fist before throwing me on the bed. Breathless, I tried to maintain concessions as his large form crushed my legs by sitting on them, asking me again. I knew no longer could I call this man father or even a man for whatever this was, it was a monster but the worst was yet to come.

Gripping my torso to hold my hand down to hold me down, he told me it was my fault they were getting divorced, that I had placed such things in my mother’s head. I knew it was bullshit as she stayed with him to give me a sense of normality. He grinned wickedly as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a grizzly bowie knife. Horrified, I asked what he aimed to do. He said…. it said….”

His speech became more erratic and broken as he nervous adjusted his light green bow tie and messed with his hair. He seemed to be adjusting the mask that hide his mouth but it came loose and flew among the steady wind that seemed to pick up. The lights went out, it was pitch darkness by the overhead storm clouds, but he still spoke.

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“I forget what that thing said…. I just felt blood against my face and in my mouth. I spit it at that monster, blindin’ him. I grabbed the rifle from under the bed, he always had it loaded. It called me a dirty bastard as I just shot it. Stammerin’, it tried to grasp somethin’ but fell dead. Another car. Running. My mother. I smiled at her. She screamed. I run towards her. She’s running away. The rifle goes off again. She falls down. Blood. I killed my mother….”

The harsh rising gale was hallowed by the strange laughing that seemed to dry the air. Angrily, I demand why he was laughing, his grin becoming visible.

“I am not laughing.”

I called him a liar because he was grinning.

“I am not grinning.”

My fear had been replaced by rage as I felt the desire to hit him. But, I froze. Horror froze me. He wasn’t lying on either for his face was disfigured by a large glasgow smile. Instantly, I jumped to my feet and withdrew to the lamppost. That strange laugh of his rose to an almost devilish like pitch as he dropped the three cards and stood facing me. My face felt drained of blood as I saw him draw from his overcoat pocket a revolting blood stained bowie knife. Slowly, he advanced upon me.

“It’s funny, too…. I can’t remember just what he did to my face. Must’ve been bad ‘cause as soon as I saw it, I started vomiting…. I just couldn’t stand it so I got this crazy idea to take his ol’ Bowie knife and…. Oh, what’s the point of it all? Our game isn’t over yet! Nobody’s ever got it right four times in a row. Come on, guess the card will yea. Come on, guess!”

I stammered to speak as he had advanced towards me, so much so he began to pull the knife back. I knew he meant to use it on me.

“Guess, damn you! You’ve just have to guess! Nobody’s ever guess this one right, nobody! I know you can! Guess, guess, guess, guess!”

Widely in a frenzy of utter terror, I screamed in a rush of panic as the knife now was in inches from my face , I stammered the letters J and O before I felt the blade sliced my right cheek. I stumbled back, falling unconscious as in the dimness of sense I heard him proclaim aloud in a wicked voice.

“Lucky guy! Here’s the truth of me! I’m nothin’ but a sick twisted joke!”

I felt someone pushing at my form as my sense came around along with the sounds of blasting sirens. An ambulance technician was standing over me along with a group of people. It was strange; it had been the same lightheaded sensation I had seen when I first ran over here.

“Hey, he’s coming out of it! Kid, are you alright? Looks to me like you must have fainted or something, due to exhaustion. Someone said you ran over here then stopped dead in your tracks falling like a tree. You cut your face up kind of bad on the right side. Must’ve been from one of these loose pebbles on the asphalt. Think you can stand?”

Helping me to my feet, he inspected me before determining I was alright.

“You were out for a good eight minutes by the time we got here. Nobody wanted to come near you due to that black overcoat of yours and the way you were laughing so strangely….”

I staggered trying to keep my bearings. On the ground lay my lucky pack of cards my grandfather gave me and a picture of me and my mother from three years ago. Those were happier days but I never smiled back then. Always found it unnatural how people smiled in photos. The cards had been splayed over the ground.

Truthfully, so you know, my parents are divorced and my grandfather had passed on due to an growing illness with his mind. As I began to pick up the cards, I surmised my mind had blurred some kind of twisted hallucination.

However, what came next was something that keeps me secluded to this day with the greatest urge to never venture alone again. As I picked up the Joker card, I felt the life drain out of me. For there, written in my blood were the words:

“Jack Nice was Here!”

I pondered in the ways I was Jack Nice but detested all the more in the ways Jack Nice was me.


Credit: 1000Masks

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54 thoughts on “Jack Nice”

  1. ThisIsANameForAComment

    Ugh, the grammar and wrong words. They detracted heavily from my enjoyment of this one at first. I stopped noticing as the story went on, if those problems continued. Enjoyed it overall.

  2. I read the whole thing, read a few comments and thought the first few were a little harsh, then I read your replies to those comments, didn’t really like the tone that seemed to be coming from them, decided to read a little further down, saw your second reply, and then I realized it doesn’t really matter whether I tell you anything because it sounds like your head is so far up your ass that you just post a bunch of ripoff bullshit and pretend everyone likes it.
    Im just glad your name is easy to remember because your story is beyond forgettable and I don’t want to lose another ten minutes of my life.

  3. Synthetic Lilly

    Your work is very well written. Of course minor errors, but none the less, I just loved it! Write us more and keep up the good work.

  4. Came across as rather hackneyed and forced. I can almost picture you with a theasaurus on your knee, misuing it for all you’re worth. Its a shame you couldnt come up with an original character of your own, and had to misappropriate a movie cliche instead

  5. Although, now that I’ve gone and had a refreshing shower, I must say that I agree that simple, concise, and to the point trumps complex, wordy, and round-about. There are many books on my shelves which I picked up once and set down almost immediately due to their heavy lexicon. When I come here, I want something light that sends chills down my spine. If I wanted to wade through unnavigable English, I’d probably pick up either a journal article (preferably on the subject of bilingualism or multilingualism and its effect on the phoneme quality in either native language or second language correlated to the age of exposure or acquisition. Fascinating stuff, really. And I mean it with no hint of sarcasm colouring my remark) or a Charles Dickens book. After all, he got paid by the amount of the words. It’s said that he would feverishly add more words to his manuscript while he was on his way to hand it in to the editors. While I’m not saying that he didn’t write quality stuff (because he obviously did), he was concerned mostly with quantity over quality. If he was being paid by how well his stories captured the readers’ imagination and interest, I would predict that he would have written in a different manner altogether.

    We aren’t being paid by the words. We aren’t being paid at all. In this case, I think simple and concise is better than overtly wordy and roundabout. That isn’t to say we should write something like “then the monster appeared and it was scary”. Descriptors where they’re needed and only the ones that are necessary and do their jobs most efficiently.

    Of course, this is easier said than done. The happy medium between “get to the point already” and “that didn’t build the atmosphere at all” is a thin line that’s even harder to see.

  6. Purple prose can lend itself to the story if it adds to the character. The narrator seems to be a college student and I don’t know if the way you wrote adds to the character of a college student. Yes, we college students, due to numerous papers we must write, tend to get wordier than the lay people. Why use one word when we can use 5000? But I don’t know if what you’ve done to this story isn’t going overboard.

    One definite problem I have is that Jack Nice says “I wondered when you’d acquire about that”. I think the word you’re looking for is enquire. To acquire is to gain possession of. To enquire is to ask about. I don’t know if Nice used acquire because it was in his dialect to mix those two words or what, but for the eloquence that is displayed in the narrator’s prose, if Nice and the narrator are one and the same, then I don’t know if he would have made that mistake.

  7. Nothing wrong with the style in which it was written. You can never please pasta readers. You’re either confusing them with words they don’t understand or they’re lambasting you for your lack of grasp of the English language. But, I digress. I really enjoyed this one. I will admit, though, that the initial description of Jack gave away his true identity. Also, tbe end was a bit off. Was his face scarred in the Joker’s smile, or freshly cut just enough to look as though the wound was caused by a fall onto asphalt. It can’t be both.

  8. @ brokenbuddha

    You also apparently just skimmed over my entire 2nd comment where I say that everyone is entitled to their own opinions. What I meant by parroting in itself is basically just saying the EXACT same thing as someone else that you don’t look like you have any independent thought of your own. Basically, just going with what everyone else is anything and being sheepish. A few of the comments here are like that, I never said all of them where.

    Derpbutt pretty much got the gist of the story that there is only one character in it, the narrator. He is Jack Nice as Jack Nice is him. I did add in the twist at the end that he questions if it really was given “Jack Nice was Here!” had been written in his own blood.

    Like I’ve also stated, this was the 2nd draft. The first MAY be better to some people or you might just not like how I write. That, again, is fine.

    We’ll get around to reading that sometime on Crappy Pasta Story Time. I also do write differently than just this but my stories always have a voice. Some people like how I write, others don’t, but I’m going to keep writing regardless. In closing, my new story Journal found within the Woods is up, have at it.

    1. I know this is late and you’re probably never going to read this, but I think the way you’re responding to other people’s comments is a bit rude. I know you’re not trying to be rude or anything but try being a bit more neutral when responding to your own pasta’s reviews.

      As for the story, I really liked it and think the wording made the character a little twisted. 9/10

  9. Cool it a bit with the vocabulary. As any decent writer will tell you, don’t rely so much on the “big” words. The best way to get your message across is to be short, sweet, and to the point. All the rest is unnecessary and makes you look a bit like you don’t know what you’re doing. Otherwise, good story.

  10. “…I tried to maintain concessions…”

    Hot dogs! Get yer hot dogs here!

    Some people try too hard to sound smart. I found myself skipping entire paragraphs trying to get to the point of this story. Concept was good but it felt like your dictionary had diarrhea. Oh wait, am I parroting? Whoops.

  11. For what it’s worth, Masks and Niima do seem to be two different people based on the posting data that I can see. It’s a bit silly to assume that just because two people agree that they’re always one and the same, really.

    Anyhow, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to weigh in on this, but here I go:

    For me, there’s a difference between pretentious writing (using certain words just for the sake of it, often incorrectly because the writer’s not actually that well-read and is doing it just to APPEAR smarter than they are – something I see quite often in submissions) and a unique writing style (writing in a certain style or cadence to evoke certain feeling, characterization, atmosphere and/or flow). It’s seemingly less common now for writers to develop a very specific and unique feel or voice with their writing, so I think that’s why some readers tend to jump over anything different and label it pretentious. If you’re not used to it, it’ll seem strange, pointless, and out of place.

    In my reading of this, the style used here helped to create a sort of dreamy atmosphere where you weren’t entirely certain if the narrator and Jack Nice were ever actually two different people. In my interpretation, I’m leaning towards them always being one and the same… though I don’t know if that was the author’s intention, of course. To me, the way the narrator spoke was, from the beginning, a bit of a tip-off that there was something “other” about him.

    But like I say, that’s just based on how I’ve interpreted this pasta. I could be entirely wrong about what I think is going on in the story!

  12. I enjoyed it. I don’t think punctuation is such a big deal when reading a story, s/he still explained it very well and was very descriptive. I give it a 8.5/10

  13. I enjoyed this very much. I did notice the grammar, but I read for the story. If that’s what I wanted I would read a dictionary. Continue writing like you are, stories that twist my mind give me amusement.

  14. The semicolon is an excellent piece of punctuation and can be used to enhance and positively differentiate your writing – assuming you know how to use it. Nobody ever uses them correctly, so when you see it used properly in any piece of writing it really makes the work feel much more polished.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Semicolon

    Read the usage section and practice. Of course, you have more serious problems you need to address first, so maybe you SHOULD just stop using the semicolon for now.

  15. My problem with it isn’t an overuse of intelligent words…it’s an over use of poor grammar. Punctuation was lacking greatly and multiple times I had to actually guess the words they meant to write. Other than that, it was pretty good. I enjoyed it.

  16. >Implying both Anons aren’t the same person and voted themselves up.

    Smooth move, shit stain.

    That said, I really DO appreciate people commenting on my story. Both in praise and in criticism. Overall ,from what I gather, people seem to LIKE it but dislike how I wrote it. That’s perfectly fine.

    Nor did I really mean to insult Dickens in my previous comment. It was a joke because, like it or not, when you read Dickens, you’ll see him trying to have long sentences with nearly every word or phrase under the sun. That’s because he WAS paid by the word for every single publication.

    I also never claimed I was a “good” writer. Being perfectly frank, I simply see myself as an okay writer. I honestly see my friend DeadAces as a better writer than me. He’s actually written an entire book while I’ve only been published once for news articles.

    I have, however, been writing stories since I was 10 so I’ve tried to grow as one along the way. I do not see myself as perfect for any writer who thinks they are flawless never grow. I’ll also admit I was never really told just how exactly a semi-colon is used. I truly believed it was just added to stop run on sentences.

    However, what none of you do know is that this WASN’T the one original accepted to be up. Telling Derpbutt that I had put up a revision of the story, the text was changed to the latter. I thought this would be fine as only minor changes were made and I thought they made the story flow more naturally.

    Here’s what I’ve decided to do. We at Crappy Pasta Story Time will be reading that version of the story. I’ll let commentators decide which they like more and that will be the one that stays. Basically letting you the readers and listeners decide on it.

    In closing, I will stop using semi-colons because they’re dumb. The double posting Anon thinks they’re being cute by saying Niima and I are the same person which is invalidated due to Niima being here longer than me. I’m slightly confused that if people have such a negative response to my story it keeps going up instead of down. Lastly, new pasta coming up on the 20th so have fun with that.

  17. What I think is funny is that 1000masks defense is that we are “parroting” one another. Consider the fact that our opinions are unanimous, not an immitation.

  18. Niima… You’re an idiot. This vocabulary was way unnecessary and extremely pretentious. I’m not sure the writer knew what he/she was trying to say because he/she was too busy trying to structure sentences with a thesaurus. I don’t think anyone would have needed a dictionary for this story either… Just a second wind. Niima FTL (or 1000masks!? See… Now THERE’S a twist).

  19. As an addendum, I’d like to clarify that I do think that long pastas can work. Stories like Psychosis are effective because they’re consistent and focused. This isn’t.

  20. Okay, I’m going to try to do some concrit here…

    First, the other comments are right. The writing was too pretentious. Simple thoughts don’t need to be stretched out into a convoluted mess, and odd, inappropriate phrasing throws readers off. Sometimes it was just funny, which instantly wrecks any tension built up. “Rabbit-like sprint,” for instance. The adjective used is so goofy and conjures up the almost Pythonesque image of a man bounding down the street on all fours. It doesn’t help that his “sprint” was just described using the word “jogged.” Other things were just bizarre, like the main character thinking about “numeric numbers.” Who is so utterly pedantic that s/he takes note not only of the fact that s/he has numbers on the mind, but also that those numbers are exclusively in numerical form? There were also a whole bunch of grammar issues, but I don’t want to push that too hard since I don’t much like prescriptive grammar anyway. A fluid style is more important than impeccable grammar.

    A lot of us here have the added factor of having heard you talk on your YouTube channel, and, um, yeah, you really don’t write like you talk. At all. To the point where I really think you should go with the flow a bit more when you write, because this seems forced. Don’t try to emulate older writers, because I guarantee that 95% of the time, most people who try end up looking like the literary equivalent of an Avril Lavigne cover version. Write in the language you know.

    I thought the story itself was decent – a little predictable in parts, but decent. Not scary enough, though, partly because of its overly-descriptive nature. The Joker aspect was the most interesting thing about it, but it’s not all that scary. It needed a little more take the reader off-guard and actually frighten them. As it stands, it just unsettled me a little.

    Seriously, it’s not that I don’t love a great literary stylist, but this ain’t Nabokov (or Lovecraft, I guess). It just doesn’t flow properly. Creepypasta isn’t literature, anyway – the best pasta are generally punchy, short and light on the description and character development, since the intention is to scare. Very few classic creepypasta (and old school campfire stories) read like literary short stories – for one thing, they really don’t need multiple paragraphs of exposition. I don’t need to know that the narrator shared a dorm with four other people, or that he was buying cleaning supplies. Think about your favourite creepypasta – do you remember things like that about them? I recently reread “The Portraits,” an old creepypasta classic, and I realised that I had completely forgotten that the main character was a hunter, not just some man lost in the woods. I didn’t forget because I don’t love the pasta; I forgot because it had exactly nothing to do with what I got out of it i.e. a great scare.

  21. This was pretty awful.

    The sentence structure is (painfully) similar to Lovecraft’s, but the actual word choice and mechanics were sloppy, to say the least. I can overlook one or the other, but doing both at once creates an extremely aggravating read.

    Now, reading your story and your comment, I am confident you think you are smarter than everyone else. That’s fine; I think I’m smarter than everyone else too. However, when EVERYONE complains about the same thing, there is a strong possibility that you are the one who is wrong. Just a possibility, but you should think about it.

    I hope the sentence structure of my coment is not so plebeian that you dismiss it outright as the rantings of an unsophisticated mouth-breather, as it seems you did to Ratcliffe and The Double-Posting Anon. This site tends to draw a more refined audience, so I would take any comments I received to heart.

    Also, Mark Hamill Joker >>>>>> Heath Ledger Joker. SO THERE.

  22. I wasn’t bothered by the writing style, but within a few paragraphs I was distracted by a lot of grammatical errors and changes in tense. Any style of writing can be enjoyable if done well, but this was not done well. I realize we’re just posting stories on the internet here, but try a little proofreading. Maybe if you weren’t so focused on making your writing so much like that of the predecessors you have a liking for, you could have something that wouldn’t be so difficult to get through that the reader is frustrated by the end of the damn thing.

  23. I couldn’t get very far into it because the writing style kept distracting and confusing me. The author used too many wording cliches in places where they didn’t quite fit, perhaps to make the narrator sound educated, but it gives off the impression that whoever is telling the story doesn’t quite understand how to form a grammatically correct sentence.

  24. You, sir, would be correct. I am THAT 1000Masks. I was waiting for another name drop or a few more comments before I chimed in but your comment will do. I’d like to thank everyone for their opinions on my story, both encoring and more… let’s say a normal pasta conglomerates thoughts. Now, I’ll admit my vocab may be a bit more on the purple side compare to the light blue most people read but that is how I write; based moreso on older authors that I personally read. Such authors include but are not limited to Poe, Machen, Dunsany, Chambers, Lovecraft, Clark Ashton Smith, and even Robert E. Howard; from time to time. Now, this style of writing is not for every readers tastes; that I am well aware of. However; I’m nowhere near as bad as Charles Dickens was with his sentences. For those of you who enjoyed my story, another will be coming up later this month called Journal found within the Woods. For those you who don’t… you can leave whatever comments you like about it. I won’t mind. Just for your own sake, don’t raise your hand metaphorically speaking by parroting another person. This is the Internet, after all. You might get trolled for the lulz.

    1. You sir, are a fantastic auther 1000masks. I tip my hat to you, my gramatical styles are somewhat advanced and misunderstood as well. Keep up the good work!

    2. It was beautifully written your adeptness of literature is shown by yourability to write as though it’s the main characters thoughts as a narator as not many writers including famous ones can. It’s a splendidly original piece of work showing how terrifying ones own mind can be. I’m just exhausting an old meme but I’d love to eat more of this pasta and whatever else you plan to serve.

    3. I would also like to know if the mildly distracting narration style was done purposefully to show his own mental stability which i have seen before in my time as a critique

    4. Duchess of Mayhem

      I think that this is brilliant. I, personally love your eloquent style of writing. Positively splendid.

  25. Hey, You’re the dude that makes fun of other people’s “crappy pastas” on Youtube right? “Crappy pasta story time”?

  26. Reread your first paragraph. It seems as though there just maybe far too many smatterings of words. As you can see, this error makes your work difficult to enjoy because it lacks conciseness and fluidity. “Frequently among one’s daily travels are others…” this just reads awkwardly out the get-go; surely you could have rephrased it.

  27. You should reread the first paragraph. There seems as though there just, maybe, far too many smatterings of words. As you can see this will make your work hard to read; as it doesn’t make sense and has no fluidity.

  28. Presumptuous? Seriously? Are you guys so lacking in vocab that this seems ‘hard’ to you? The main character’s personality is pompous and eccentric which would fit the word choice. -Are you mad you probably had to look up those two words too?- And really, one person says it and everyone has to jump on the band wagon? It is a tad bit on the longer side, sorry for those with shorter attention spans apperently, but the entire story has a point and an end. Unlike the useless rantings of trollers just posting the same nonsense on here. 1000Masks keep doing what your doing and ignore the people that need a dictionary for a word with more than two syllables. -sorry for my own length I just hate to see good writers discouraged.

    1. I agree, I mean I didn’t mind the words he used, it’s just he nade a lot of grammatical errors and it was a little hard to understand at first but otherwise good story

    2. It wasn’t just that he was coming across as pretentious. It’s that he was also obviously going above what he knew, there were many bad word choices and errors in there, although it was an interesting story.

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