Scary Paranormal Stories & Short Horror Microfiction

Creepypasta

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I barely noticed as a fiery sky descended into oblivion consisting of twinkling, miniscule suns and as the sounds of the hospital dimmed to the ticks of clocks and the beeps of machines. I just lay in that bed, trying to make sense of my thoughts. As the drugs to numb the pain pump through my veins, I could feel my mind slipping away; its clarity hiding behind fog. Like paint being brushed onto a turbulent canvas, I knew the portrait I wanted to make, but every thought was scattered and unrecognizable. For hours, I stared at the casts around one of my legs and around one of my arms, and the lead pipe protruding from my chest just a few inches from my heart and into my right lung.

Weeks have passed since the accident. The doctors are petrified, mired in inaction. I debate whether they are not experienced in dealing with my condition or want to extort as much money out of my parents as they can. They do not even have the decency to check on me anymore. I have not seen any glimpse of human life except for the occasional nurse that comes to empty the tubs containing my waste, to feed me, to refill the medicines, or to check on the machines. I have been reduced to nothing more than a vegetable.

There are times that the empting of morphine reminds me that I am alive, but it’s not because I have regained some semblance of thought; it’s because the pain… t-the pain causes me to languish in crucifixion. This is my pandemonium – my ultimatum. I can bask in the limbo of having no pain and no thought or to regain my humanity, but I have to writhe in perennial anguish. Unfortunately, I have no decision in the matter. I cannot bear to be subject to the whim of nurses and medicines. One thought burst through the wall of ambiguity that the medicines had so brazenly enacted: I wanted to die. I wanted to end this miserable actuality. This could not be classified as “living” anymore. Distraught at my realization and having no way to kill myself, I closed my eyes to sleep. Troubled and disturbed, I found no repose. Silence was my only virtue, my only companion. My heart started to hasten. It was this moment of placidity, that I had the distinct feeling of dread. The hospital was usually in an uproar of ambience and random occurrences of commotion.

Opening my eyes, I was immediately fixated on the figure standing… no, floating outside my room. Its gaunt, tall face and grey, dismal and deep set eyes were offset by blackened, cracked lips. Clad in a tight-fitting, tattered robe it almost looked human except for the claws it clicked together to taunt me. All sound returned in an upheaval as this creature took a step onto the white, tiled floors. I was completely helpless as it advanced towards me. The casts and IVs impeded movement, while the tubes that helped me breathe and put food into my stomach muffled my attempts at screaming.

It is almost as if this thing knew just how impotent I was, for it smiled, causing blood to peek out from the cracks of its lips as I struggled minutely. I am doubtful that if I wasn’t powerless that it would have not shown itself to me. If I had any grain of strength to my name, it would have taken me during my sleep. It was, after all, the perfect hunter: silent, unremorseful, and knew exactly when humans were their most exposed – in their slumber.

When its outreached hand was laid onto the bare skin above my heart I could feel life draining from me. My eyes grew heavy, breathe eluded me, and my heart loitered to an almost dead stop. In that instant as I died I knew it had come to relieve me of my suffering. Not because I asked, but because as it drained life from me its lips began to heal, its eyes brightened, and its once pale skin returned to a healthy color.

It had come to relieve me to cure its self.

Credit To: Zack W.

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Rating: 7.4/10 (133 votes cast)
It Relieved Me, 7.4 out of 10 based on 133 ratings
  • blah

    except for all the big words that I didn’t understand that was a good story in my opinion.

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    Rating: -7 (from 17 votes)
  • Nyari

    What a beautifully written story. Very descriptive, exciting, and engaging. I love your writting style. For me, it really made me understand and almost ‘feel’ your pain and fear. As well as the story itself. I like how the creature was healing itself while killing you. I look forward to seeing more stories written by you. 10/10

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    Rating: +7 (from 11 votes)
  • Anonymous

    Half-baked.

    Choose one tense and stick with it. Also, lose the stuttering and other weird affectations if you’re going to do this florid narration thing. On that note, look at Josef K’s stuff to see how to do florid right. Keep a dictionary on hand as well.

    >uproar of ambience
    Nope.

    This is too straightforward for my liking. A guy is dying and he’s visited by a grim-reaper-type thing. It happens exactly as you’d imagine it would happen, and is therefore quite dull.

    Also, why would a life-stealer feed on a damaged vegetable?

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  • Atom68

    The writing was amazing. The author has a great writing style and the story was perfect, until the very end. I wasn’t a fan of the last sentence, but the writing made up for it. 9/10 I hope to see more from this author!

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  • Anon

    @Anonymous because it’s an easy target

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    Rating: +1 (from 3 votes)
  • Anonymous

    “I am doubtful that if I wasn’t powerless that it would have not shown itself to me.”

    This is a triple negative sentence and is therefore not only confusing but shameful.
    I do not (1) think if I were not (2) powerless, it would not (3) have shown itself.

    Instead of saying “not powerless,” try “powerful” and instead of “not shown,” try “hidden.”

    Your sentence now becomes, “I doubt if I were powerful, it would have hidden.”

    But because it says “I doubt” instead of “I think,” you’re now saying, “I do not think that if I were powerful, it would’ve hidden.” In other words, “I do think if I were powerful, it still would have shown itself.” This may truly be what you meant, but I was under the impression you meant the opposite and that it was a mistake due to your use of triple negatives. Had you phrased the sentence normally in the first place, it wouldn’t leave the question.

    Also, notice how I corrected your sentence to “If I were…” rather than “If I was….”
    This is called a subjunctive mood.

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    Rating: +10 (from 18 votes)
  • 10303816

    Writing style is pretentious. Too many comparisons and flourishes, and be more concise.

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    Rating: +5 (from 9 votes)
  • Zack W.

    I appreciate the feedback, guys.

    @blah Dictionary.com could help you enhance your vocabulary. After all, being exposed to words we rarely, if never, see is how we build our vocabulary.

    @Nyari I am glad that you enjoyed it. Your kindness and positive feedback strengthens my resolve to write creepy stories more often. I mostly write science fiction stories… well, attempted to (most stories tended to lose interest with the sheer amount of story I wanted to tell). Thank you for the delightful comment.

    @Anonymous I am sorry that you did not like the story. Yet, I do agree with you that I have a problem with tenses. I am guessing you missed the point of the stuttering. The character despises the pain to the point that even thinking about it causes him to cringe a little. I actually checked the meaning of ambience and one of its meanings is ‘environment.’ The meaning was skewed by the order in which I put the words, but what I meant to say was, “the ambience of the hospital was usually in an uproar of random occurrences of commotion.” Slight oversight on my part, I apologize. I did feel the story was a tad bit straightforward, too. After posting the story to creepypasta, I pondered the story a bit further and came up with the conclusion that I should have added parts where the creature picks off other patients of the hospital before getting the main character. However, I could do nothing about it. I am sorry that you did not like the creature, but I do value your opinion. I appreciate your feedback, but, please, understand that this is my first creepypasta. As such, my story is bound to be a little less strong than some authors who have written a few dozen or so delicious pastas.

    @Atom68 Thank you. I agree with you; the ending was a little weak. I should have lengthened the story. Instead, I kept it a little too short and a little too anti-climatic. It may have been lazing writing and too-much-thought-too-late on my part. However, I do appreciate your positive feedback and your kindness.

    @Anon Exactly! I should have expanded on the idea that the creature attacks weak or sleeping foes.

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    Rating: -2 (from 6 votes)
  • Anonymous

    But who was its self?????

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    Rating: -4 (from 4 votes)
  • blah

    Zach W. I am aware of dictionary.com but I am too lazy to use it but I shall use it in the near future thank you

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    Rating: 0 (from 2 votes)
  • http://Creepypasta.com/hope Dirjel

    That was pretty awful.

    Lay off the thesaurus when you’re writing. It’s really hard to justify using that kind of language, and this story did not fit the bill.

    The second anonymous was pretty spot-on, especially about the triple-negative. That was cringe-worthy.

    Finally, the story itself was pretty meh. A monster comes and drains the life force of a cripple. Whee. You could have had the monster force the guy to watch as it killed other patients. Maybe it would come in and turn off the morphine until he looked into its eyes and was made to relive the memories of the victims. I don’t know, something. As it was, the story was just… not interesting (and poorly-written).

    Try again.

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    Rating: -2 (from 10 votes)
    • Willow

      I really enjoyed the higher level words. It gave the impression that even vegetables have am above average intellect. In turn, making it all the more terrifying because he was fully aware of what was happening, and being unable to do anything, all the more worthy of being here.

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      Rating: -1 (from 3 votes)
  • Grim reaper life stealer thingymajig

    Gave it an 8. The writing was a little hard to stomach at times, but it was generally an enjoyable pasta. I felt the pace changed a little too much. It just looks like you’ve tried a little too hard on something. Good pasta.

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    Rating: -2 (from 2 votes)
  • RyanSoup

    Cute, but not really scary

    Too verbose, also. It’s as if you don’t really have a mastery over the language you’re using
    Personally, I would have ended it with a little less passivity. “It came not to relieve me, but to save itself,” or something along those lines.

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  • Anonymous

    I rated a four. I could barely stomach how verbose you tried to be: peppering in random, advanced words simply does not make your writing better. Tenses changed mid-sentence, there is zero background on anything or anyone, and then there’s my main concern: the monster. If it’s the perfect hunter, why is it so useless, only being able to attack people when they’re 100% defenceless? How does the character know that the monster attacks when people sleep? In fact, how does he know anything outside of a physical description of it? How does he know the monster isn’t simply some wounded, innocent soul that found someone who wanted to die, and could save itself while fulfilling their wish?

    As another anon said prior to me, why is the protagonist cringing? If he’s "writing" while he’s dead, how is he feeling pain? If he is somehow feeling pain, why at that specific word and nowhere else in the story? (I have read your post, it just didn’t reasonably explain it.)

    >One thought burst through the wall of ambiguity that the medicines had so brazenly enacted
    >implying inanimate objects can do things with feeling

    Again, referring back to the aforementioned anon, please don’t use the word ambience. You’re using it very poorly. In fact, replace most of the words you used that you didn’t understand the meaning to. Yes, it’s less verbose and "sophisticated," but it will overall sound immensely better than it does now.

    If I could go back, I would rerate as a 3. I’d be happy to read an updated, and frankly better, version of this, and pass judgment on that one more clearly, however.

    Just to add a small side-note: what I said was meant to be constructive. I would very much enjoy to read a better version of this, if pulled off well.

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  • Kamina

    It was okay, not the best written story ever. ‘Breathe’ was used when the writer meat ‘breath’, and ‘uproar of ambience’ didn’t really make any sense. Maybe saying that the hospital was usually bustling or something like that would’ve worked. It wasn’t really creepy, but it was an interesting concept.

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