“Daddy, there’s a monster in my closet.”
“No, there isn’t,” I reply in my half-asleep state, “we’ve been through this already.”
Now my wife is awake too. “Shouldn’t you at least check? It seems like ever since she got back from the hospital, all those bodies started turning up around the city. There was another one last night. It was in the paper.”
“Yeah, I can’t tell you how broken up I am over all those dead pimps and drug dealers. Somehow, I don’t think whoever’s taking them out is after our kid.”
“Just humor her, please.” She turns to Kayla. “Did you see the monster?”
Kayla nods. “He’s really tall and has long fingers and a big mouth with sharp, shiny teeth. He hides in the closet and peeks around the door. He says he’s coming for me real soon, and his name is Goregrinder.”
Now, I’m pissed. I throw off the covers and jump out of bed.
Susan grabs my arm and leans in close. “Would you please have some patience with her?” she hisses, “My God, she just made a complete recovery from a disease that kills children her age. It’s a miracle we even have her here to inconvenience you in the first place.”
“I know. I’m going already,” I growl back. I storm into her room and turn on the light. Nothing. The closet creaks open slowly. I throw it open. Nothing. Oh wait, I’m doing it wrong. I turn off the light and let the moon illuminate the room. There he is. So tall he would have to duck to come out of the closet. Wearing a coat that covers most of his body. It looks like it’s made of bearskin or something. His arms crossed over his chest, with his wrists bent and his impossibly long fingers pointing downward. Warty skin that looks tougher than leather. A mouth that looks too wide for his head, filled with steely blades for teeth.
I shove him against the wall of the closet and follow him in to make sure my wife and kid can’t hear me. “I already paid you with a fresh one last night, you bastard! You don’t collect her unless I’m at least a week late. That was the deal! You scare my kid one more time and I’ll kick the shit out of you!”
He grins, delighted by my righteous indignation, his mouth stretching extra wide. Even in the dark of the closet, I can see his bladed teeth glistening. He knows I can’t make good on my threat, but he doesn’t scare me either. He’s bound by the same rules I am.
I back out of the closet and he comes after me slowly, grinning defiantly. Whatever. I shut the door in his face. Then, I wait a few seconds and open it again. Gone.
I head back to our bedroom. “Okay, sweetie, the monster’s gone.”
Susan puts a finger to her lips. Kayla is curled up against her, sleeping peacefully, as if she knows how safe she is, and that I’ll do anything to keep her that way. Anything.
Fine. She can stay, but just for tonight. I squeeze into bed next to them, with what little room the girls have left me. I’m still too annoyed to sleep, not just at Goregrinder, but his master. Does he really think I’d sign a contract in my own blood on a parchment made of human skin without reading it first? How stupid does he think I am?
Credit To: E. Alan Rahn
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This was excellent! Great twist on the monster in the closet! Wasn’t until after I finished that I put all the pieces together…. well done!
Nice twist at the end.
This was quite good. A rather interesting and unique spin on the old “monster in the closet” story.
Is it wrong I laughed for 5 minutes at the part where he was talking with Goregrinder?
…What…How can you be so calm talking to the Devils nephew?
I think the “master” is the devil and the monster is really death, or some type of embodiment of her disease. Im probably wrong im just asuming
Not necessarily THE Devil, but certainly A devil.
That was unresolved. I’m sorry but it didn’t make much sense.
I immediately hated the main character, who reminds me of my own father; he is short – tempered and just loves to argue. Some things could have been a little more explained, but over all, I give it a 7/10
Is this Dean WInchester?
I love the whole general idea. The father makes a deal with the Devil to spare the child by having to kill one person every week (or so it seems). But it just seems to give too much at the end. The last two sentences really bothered me. For a loving father to do what he did, he seems somewhat evil. Referring how stupid the Devil is and getting mad at the ‘loan shark’ (I read someone call it that). As a father who found out it would save his daughter, I’d think he’d be a bit more naive. I don’t know.
Great story bro. I hope you don’t mind my paraphrasing during a short bit of dialogue. I was attempting to make it feel a little more organic. Just say the word and I’ll redo it verbatim, no worries. Looking forward to your future work.
http://youtu.be/n0RTgsJsTI4
The paraphrasing is fine. I really can’t tell which version sounds better. At least, you got the feel of what I was going for here. Thank you again for another well-made YouTube tribute.
Maybe I just have an abnormal level of reading comprehension, but I understood this pasta PERFECTLY! And let me tell you, I LOVED it. I was a bit confused at some points, but figured it out by the end. Great twist; the “unlikable” father was actually quite endearing in my opinion. I want to read more stories like this; keep writing!
Great read! good stories don’t necessarily mean everything should be shoved down your throat (everything spelt out, step by step guide you get my drift)…
See? My comment is annoying coz I had to “explain” :)
This is interesting. Wish there was more though. Nice story dude
I really enjoyed this. Felt it was simple, to the point, and not what I was expecting. I like the deal with the devil idea, especially the execution here. While some disliked the ambiguity, I really enjoyed it. I thought the henchman, the muscle there to make sure the deal goes through, was an interesting touch. It was a different perspective on the rather traditional deal with the devil story. The dad was a bit gruff, and I feel like explaining his frustration with his daughter (especially since he knows there is a monster in the closet) would help the character be sympathetic throughout. But, in the light of the plot, it also makes sense why he would be irritated. Definitely a refreshing piece. Thanks for an enjoyable read, and happy writing!
Good story, you did well. All the who’s and why’s people have with this story kind of baffles me. It all seemed fairly obvious, and I really think it would be a bad read if everything was painstakingly spelled out for the reader.
*Spoilers* I liked the twist of the father knew of the monster’s existence, but i felt like you had too much detail is some parts of the story and not enough in other parts. There were also parts of the story that felt unrealistic that prevented the story from fully captivating me. If you choose to edit this piece, here are a few parts that threw me off.
1. How the father and mother just roused from their sleep, suddenly had the energy to break into a detailed (frivolous) conversation. Also how the father was instantly enraged by his child’s fears. Considering how in the end you hint at how the father would do anything to protect his child, how could checking her closet be so difficult?
2. How the child knows the monster’s name is curious, did they have a conversation?
3. i agree with E.C. Mann Kayla’s sickness in no way relates to the story. Unless you are hinting to the fact that the bargain was struck to save the daughter’s life, in which case that should probably be mentioned or hinted to more strongly. Perhaps in the end, with the currently unnecessary details about the signing of the contract?
The idea is great, minor house keeping changes would increase the story’s ratings significantly. x
You mean edit it? I didn’t know you could do that.
I honestly have no clue, it was an assumption. whoops! x
1) He’s not enraged because of his daughters fears but because of Goregrinder messing around his daughter.
2) Nope, she checked their family crystal ball which came from Japan.
3) Ow God. Pls don’t be serious.
Loved it! A quick satisfying read. So many mediocre stories lately, this was a nice change.
I love how this shows the endless love a parent has for their kids; how they’d be willing to do anything just to keep their kids safe…
Whose this “master”? How does the girl’s disease have anything to do with this? what’s up with the parchment?A few things that could’ve been elaborated upon, but right now, I’m totally lost.
Either that, or I’m just way off.
The protagonist made a deal with the devil in order to save his daughter from her disease. Not really sure how the monster fits in, though.
The monster, to me, sounds like the Devils loan shark. Instead of the disease taking her, the monster would reap his payment.
If this is the case, it must be explained further. Was really left in the dark with this one.
I think it is meant to be inferred by the reader. But again, that’s just my take on the story.
He has to be at least a week late on his payment “The dead drug dealers and pimps” or it will come and kill his daughter like the disease would have. Basically he payed to have her death delayed as long as he keeps killing others in her place, but he has to be at least a week late with his “payment”, before the debt collector can come and repo.
Yeah, that’s kinda what threw me off. But thanks for providing some clarity.