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I Should’ve Listened



Estimated reading time — 2 minutes

I awoke from a deep slumber due to the loud rain ouside. I was used to it though, hell it’s Seattle after all, rain central. I rubbed my eyes and happened to gaze out my curtain-less window just at the moment when a cloaked figure appeared in the middle of the street. I rubbed my eyes again, I was sure I was seeing things. Still, I decided to get a closer look.

I hopped out of my bed and peered through the window. Through the rain drops I could still barely make out the cloaked figure. It was just standing there, not moving at all. I turned away for a second to clean my glasses on my oversized Seattle Mariners jersey, but when I turned back I didn’t see anything. Unfortunately the creepiness didn’t stop there.

There was a loud knocking on the front door. My parents weren’t home since it was a Saturday night and they usually went to dinner and a movie. I walked to the front door and peered through the small peephole. I saw a cloaked figure, just like what I’d seen standing in the rain the night before! I was about to run back to my room when the figure spoke.

“You do not belong here anymore, it is time for you to come home.” The figure banged loudly on the door.

“What do you want from me,” I shouted.

“I need you to come home,” the deep and low voice stated.

“Go away you creep,” I shouted. I ran back upstairs as fast as my legs could carry me.

I quickly locked the door to my room and double checked to make sure my bedroom window was locked. Then I hopped into my bed and pulled the covers tightly over me.

The morning light shone through the window. The rain had finally let up and it proved to be a beautiful day outside.

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I walked downstairs to the kitchen and found my parents crying at the table.

“Mom, dad, what happened?!” My cries went unanswered.

I peered over my dad’s shoulder and saw the headline of the article he was reading. It was about me!

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“Sixteen-year-old boy dies in accident due to rain.”

I stumbled backwards and hit something. I turned around and saw the cloaked figure. There was no face, just red, menacing eyes and pale, white skin.

“I tried to tell you that you needed to come home last night. You didn’t want to. It’s far too late now,” the voice said.

Just then a hole opened up below me and I fell through. It’s truly a living hell where I’m at now.

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35 thoughts on “I Should’ve Listened”

  1. Failed to deliver on its potential. It started out strong, writing was decent, ending was forced and contrived. Shows promise. Next time, take a few deep breaths and consider how you’d feel if this was someone else’s story and you’re the one reading it. Judging by the comments here, I think you’d come to much the same conclusion. More than anything else: Rain never killed anyone, excluding earthworms.

  2. The beginning wasn’t bad, but the pasta looks rushed and hasn’t been thought through completely. I like the idea, that the parents can’t hear/see him because he’s dead (or something very similar to dead?) but it could’ve used something more. Sometimes, when the author leaves too much “mystery” about an event or character (in a horror story) it doesn’t look like intended mystery. It just looks like the author was too lazy to think of an explanation.

  3. Lacked major details. Where is home? How could that have avoided his death? How the hell was he in an accident when he never left the house? Ending felt rushed. Next time before wasting a readers time, just don’t write anything.

  4. That was dumb. So because he didn’t listen to some stranger that told the narrator to come with him, he goes to hell? That doesn’t even…. 0/10

  5. It works, but it needs work. I thought it was kind of creepy, but it could of been drawn out more. Like throughout the night, and a more detailed “death”.

    6/10

  6. “Dies in accident due to rain” should just be replaced by “Kid died” and the final sentence should be removed.
    Theres no need to go in detail as it should become clear, that this kid is a ghost now.
    Would be a great story this way.

  7. “Dies in accident due to rain”? You could’ve elaborated on that a bit more. Since he apparently wasn’t out driving on the slick roads or anything… The story was pretty predictable and bland.

  8. There are a lot of inconsistencies in this story. Why were your parents gone due to Saturday “NIGHT” activities if it’s first thing in the morning?

  9. That was horrible, on so many levels. “There was a dark figure in the road. ‘He’s gone’…” “There was a knock at the door, it’s the cloaked figure!… Did I mention it was the next night? I forgot to mention that… My bad…” Why is it that Death didn’t explain anything to the dead kid and just continued to pound on the door… Also, if he could get into the house, why didn’t he do that after the ghost kid locked the door and made sure that the window was shut? I would like to think that death is a little smarter than that and he would be accustomed to people acting in such a manner. 2/10

  10. the hash slinging slasher

    this pasta was overdone, ive heard the whole “i was dead” thing several times before. Nice imagery though, it was great.
    “I awoke from a deep slumber due to the loud rain outside.”
    amazing

  11. This is the best from the apparent “truckloads” of stories sent each week to this site? Surprised. Sorry but true.

  12. I love the whole home alone on a rainy dark night vibe… but the rest of the story was terrible…how did this get posted?

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