I sat on the bus, on my way to school.
Listening to music, and paying little to no attention to the other students.
At one of the stops my mind snapped back to reality.
I looked towards the small house. Tommy’s house, I thought.
A hand slipped through the drapes of the window and waved the bus driver to move on.
‘He’s sick’, I thought, paying no large amount of attention to the situation.
The day flew by.
I watched the local news channel after school, and what I heard paralyzed me.
Tommy’s entire family was murdered that day by an unknown suspect.
After hearing this news, I moved back up to my room and quietly fell asleep.
——————————————-
The next day, I sat on the bus.
We drove past Tommy’s house and the bus driver, unaware of Tommy’s families fate, stopped at his home.
As I was about to get up and explain to her what had happened, something caught my eye.
A pale hand slipped through the drapes of the window, and waved the bus driver to move on.
I sat on the bus, terrified.
Credit To: Isaac Cook
Copyright Statement: Unless explicitly stated, all stories published on Creepypasta.com are the property of (and under copyright to) their respective authors, and may not be narrated or performed under any circumstance.
wow
Freaks me out because I’M that kid on the bus who listens to music and ignores everyone.
Wait am I overthinking this? Tommy was the murderder?
kind of didnt understand? if the family was killed the day b4 and it was on the news wouldnt the cops be there and yellow tape be around the house? i guess im just 2 observant haha good story tho 8/10
I enjoyed reading this story, but it seems like you could have benefited from more length. Micropasta is a great place to start and test the water out, I’d love to see a longer piece sometime!
Ok, so I wasn’t the only one who found it funny
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5PmaINLC8Q
I really enjoyed reading this tale so decided to narrate it. I know the tale itself raises a lot of questions but I like the simplicity of it as it reminds me of the Twilight Zone in some ways.
Awesome!
A good idea would be,
As I closed my front door to head to the school bus I saw it pulling off. Confused, I turned back round to open my front door and froze half turn… because I saw a pale white hand gesturing the bus to move on!
To modify that idea, I was thinking of something like this.
I was getting ready for school in the morning. It was still barely light out, and my parents had left for work a while before. I packed my bag and turned off all the lights, leaving the house dimly lit from the outside. I started to head for the front door, but got confused when the bus slowed down, and then drove off without stopping. Then I noticed the dark figure standing in front of the window, waving it on with a pale white hand.
I think it’s creepier this way because the protagonist is stuck inside the house with the person/thing that is going to murder them.
Very good points made there but you could sugar coat it, could you not?, like “massive plot hole you could drive a titular bus through” is a bit harsh maybe you could rephrase that by say “it has quit a large plot hole” sorry it’s just your metaphors are kind of unpleasant.
(not trying to start a fight)
Very sorry if you are offended by this comment it was not posted to offend, if you are I truly am sorry.
I know this is a lame thing to comment but-
PREACH
Everything I wanted to say was said in your review. And as someone far too lazy to bother putting it in words myself, I thank you.
I like this one. It’s the first short pasta I ever read that I liked.
Noooo! Keep going!! What’s next?! …
This story needed a third day. Whereas, on the third morning, the bus drives by Tommy’s house that is now completely surrounded by yellow police tape and the main character of the story looks back toward the house and sees a pale hand holding open one side of the curtain.
This shot chills up my back. Good work! Could have been longer, but still pretty good. I give it a 9/10.
Got a bit of chill
Pale hand? Must be related to moi.. Wonder if he is on my Mother’s side.. then again I never knew my Mother.. Do you think my Mother had a nose?… I HAVE NO NOSE
AND I MUST SNEEZE
what I don’t think I got it at all what has was the hand or what ever near the end what can someone tell me
I agree, that idea you have about the hand being in another bus riders window fits perfectly. That would mean the murderer was moving right along the bus route! It would fill the plot holes perfectly. Well thought out Bennings! Although this was a good creepypasta adding your ending instead of the original made the story even creepier.
That was good.
Very creepy. Good job!
Yeah, even if the bus driver hadn’t heard the story, the endless stream of yellow police tape invariably surrounding the house would’ve been a pretty good tip off that something was amiss. BUT, this is a very short story, not necessarily meant to make perfect sense, but to creep us out, and on that level it worked.
This is so creepy. I would want to know who was in there but I would be too chicken to check it out. I’d be sitting on the bus with chit stained drawers, that’s for sure, lol.
Short, creepy, and to the point. Nice job on this one.
At first i was confused when it said that his family got murdered that day. I thought it meant before she even got on the bus >.< but now i get it lol
Usually the shorter pastas have a hard time getting me creeped or scared. While it didn’t send chills down my spine, my mind went to work and I had to shake away the creepy idea of it. This would be good for a small trailer. If the pale hand were boney and long, like a Dementor.
Short. Sweet. To the point. I like it.
It was ok. It needs way more content but its getting there.
Very creepy, I love its simplicity.
Personally I found the story a bit predictable, don’t get me wrong it was creepy, but you sorta knew what was coming.
This really did make a chill run up my spine. I thought it was great, I just wish it wasn’t this short.
There is absolutely nothing in this shamefully boring story that entices the reader. Not the faintest hint of a rhyming scheme may be detected, which strips the poem of all melody. No surprise awaits the reader, for the story is far too predictable. And then, absolutely no compensation of the aforementioned flaws is offered in the form of mystifying complication or underlying realization.
I don’t think it was intended to be a poem. Why every sentence is on a separate line is a question only the author can answer, though.
^^^ ouch bro
It’s not supposed to be a poem. And even if it was, you must be quite the literary ignorant if you actually thing a poem has to rhyme.
To the contrary, my favorite style of poetry is blank verse. No, actually, the author of the story does to seem to be very good at writing, so I directly assumed him a literary novice entirely ignorant of metric aspects of poetry. Most novices, in my experience, turn to free verse with some form of rhyming scheme to the poem. In some cases, this style works well; in most, it does not. But yes, I see that the creepypasta is not a poem at all, but some atrocious form of unstructured prose.
That was really good
OH….shit. Still kinda bummed this is the pasta for the day and its so short.
Bill, your name is very imaginative.
It’s actually really creepy…I read it out loud to my brother, having only skimmed over it beforehand, and got a bit creeped out when it said Tommy’s family was killed….
I did the same thing! Skimmed over it (especially due to format and the title isn’t too enticing) but I agree that this was creepy.
Fatten this story out a little and it has good potential – Perhaps just making it a large paragraph with some more substance and then make;
“The next day, I sat on the bus. We drove past Tommy’s house and the bus driver, unaware of Tommy’s families fate, stopped at his home. As I was about to get up and explain to her what had happened, something caught my eye. A pale hand slipped through the drapes of the window, and waved the bus driver to move on. I sat on the bus, terrified.” the last paragraph, as it’s already a perfect ending.
Decent pasta, just needs a tweek. 7/10