Heat Stroke
You’re just sitting there, trying to fan yourself off from the heat as you wait for you mother to come back from inside the shop. By chance, perhaps, you glance over to your left where another car is parked, empty and probably even more sweltering than your own. You roll up the windows and turn the key your mom left in case it got too hot. As the whoosh of cool air hit you in the face, you hear a strange sound, almost a knock on your window. You don’t look, thinking it impossible, because there was nobody there a second ago.
But soon, there is a movement out of the corner of your eye. You whip your head around, but there is nothing. All you can see if the interior of the car next to you, and a few odd buildings, all closed for the day. You chalk it up to the heat, one of those wisps you see on hot blacktop on days like today. You move to change the radio station when you see it again, almost a face, sitting in the back of the car next to you. But as soon as you turn to see it clearly, it vanishes.
You find you can do this every time, turn away and see the face, and have it disappear when you turn at it directly. You sit, staring out the windshield, but secretly paying attention the the car out of the corner of your left eye. The figure is hooded, tan, and more gaunt than any human you have ever seen. It seems to be laughing, almost, as his body blurs in and out of your already struggling focus.
Your concentration is pulled away only when your mom returns with her grocery bags, turning down the air conditioner and putting the car in drive. You press your face against your window, desperate for one last look before you drive away. But not to worry, for the first time, you can see him without using only your peripheral vision, his massive eyes and overgrown mouth twisted into a grin as the creature waved goodbye.
You turn back to the front, sweating and shaking uncontrollably. At that moment you know, you have not seen the last of that wicked being.
Heat Stroke,
That was terrible.
Awful.
I disagree with the first two comments, I like how it took a mundane moment and turned it spooky. Also, it was written well and I like the subtlety… not every pasta has to be in your face gore, you guys.
Pretty good. I liked the idea, but it could have been ended without that last paragraph and it would have been a lot better.
It wasn’t bad.
It wasn’t phenomenal, but it was okay.
Kudos, lovely.
Huh?
Someone please explain!
I agree with Malpractice.
Was nice and creepy at first.
the end killed it.
Would have been much better if it didn’t end so generically. I was hoping for some kind of twist, but never got it.
The last part ,”You turn back to the front, sweating and shaking uncontrollably. At that moment you know, you have not seen the last of that wicked being.”, needs to be taken out. It produces a substantially larger amount of bricks when its not spelled out for you.
@cthulhu gb2cave
I liked it, but could have been so much better.
@Temporary Wounds: The creature he saw was a beast of some sort that preys/stalks those who get heat stroke.
I liked it, though the ending could have been better.
I liked it. The end was a little silly, but I still shat a brick, so not a total loss.
New Ending: You turn to look at the creature one more time, and you finally see it. But it’s not in the other car. It’s in your back seat.
Hmmm…
The jury’s out on this one. It’s kinda creepy, yet it feels almost unfinished, like there’s some other part that got left out.
was nice and creepy but needs something more… it feels like it isnt finished and the writer just pulled the plug on it….
I’m disappointed. The build up in the beginning wasn’t bad, which left me hoping for a good brick shitter ending.
Then I read “You’ll see it again.”
Total let down. Azriel had a nice idea, though.
Personally I imagine that I’d have it shift between locations, one moment grinning and the next whispering in your ear, sounding like a desert sandstorm…
Something like this wouldn’t actually hurt you. Just prey on your weakness.
So… There was a rapist in the next car and he wrote down your license plate?
No, a good premise alone does not make a good story. Nor does a nice writing style or good descriptions. Those help, but there needs to be more than that, and there is nothing in this case.
Creepy.
Meh. It was ok. I’m too seasoned for this to creep me at all.
Sequel pasta
Agree with the above comments that the last paragraph ought to be taken out. Even if the creature doesn’t follow “me” home, knowing that there is something lurking at an ordinary place is creepy enough.
There were also a few spelling errors, but not enough to pull me out of the story. “…wait for you mother to come…”, “…attention the the car out…”
Overall, a good pasta, though not delicious.
it wasn’t too bad. i mean, it didn’t hurt my mom.