Scary Paranormal Stories & Short Horror Microfiction

Creepypasta

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Rating: 4.1/10 (120 votes cast)

You’re just sitting there, trying to fan yourself off from the heat as you wait for you mother to come back from inside the shop. By chance, perhaps, you glance over to your left where another car is parked, empty and probably even more sweltering than your own. You roll up the windows and turn the key your mom left in case it got too hot. As the whoosh of cool air hit you in the face, you hear a strange sound, almost a knock on your window. You don’t look, thinking it impossible, because there was nobody there a second ago.

But soon, there is a movement out of the corner of your eye. You whip your head around, but there is nothing. All you can see if the interior of the car next to you, and a few odd buildings, all closed for the day. You chalk it up to the heat, one of those wisps you see on hot blacktop on days like today. You move to change the radio station when you see it again, almost a face, sitting in the back of the car next to you. But as soon as you turn to see it clearly, it vanishes.

You find you can do this every time, turn away and see the face, and have it disappear when you turn at it directly. You sit, staring out the windshield, but secretly paying attention the the car out of the corner of your left eye. The figure is hooded, tan, and more gaunt than any human you have ever seen. It seems to be laughing, almost, as his body blurs in and out of your already struggling focus.

Your concentration is pulled away only when your mom returns with her grocery bags, turning down the air conditioner and putting the car in drive. You press your face against your window, desperate for one last look before you drive away. But not to worry, for the first time, you can see him without using only your peripheral vision, his massive eyes and overgrown mouth twisted into a grin as the creature waved goodbye.

You turn back to the front, sweating and shaking uncontrollably. At that moment you know, you have not seen the last of that wicked being.

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Rate This Pasta
Rating: 4.1/10 (120 votes cast)
Heat Stroke, 4.1 out of 10 based on 120 ratings
  • Cthulhu

    That was terrible.

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    Rating: +11 (from 25 votes)
    • MOOOO IM A COW!…..not

      lol

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      Rating: -2 (from 2 votes)
    • http://mood.com That guy

      seriously your taking this guy or girl down, just say I needed work instead of saying ”

      awful”

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      Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • cock

    Awful.

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    Rating: +7 (from 21 votes)
  • Emilie

    I disagree with the first two comments, I like how it took a mundane moment and turned it spooky. Also, it was written well and I like the subtlety… not every pasta has to be in your face gore, you guys.

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    Rating: +16 (from 28 votes)
    • Ada Wong

      :)

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      Rating: -2 (from 2 votes)
  • Dr. Malpractice

    Pretty good. I liked the idea, but it could have been ended without that last paragraph and it would have been a lot better.

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    Rating: +10 (from 14 votes)
  • Lilhorn

    It wasn’t bad.

    It wasn’t phenomenal, but it was okay.

    Kudos, lovely.

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    Rating: +9 (from 11 votes)
  • Temporary Wounds

    Huh?
    Someone please explain!

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    Rating: -5 (from 7 votes)
  • Anon E Mouse

    I agree with Malpractice.

    Was nice and creepy at first.
    the end killed it.

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    Rating: +4 (from 6 votes)
  • MetalGearBidoof

    Would have been much better if it didn’t end so generically. I was hoping for some kind of twist, but never got it.

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    Rating: +5 (from 5 votes)
  • Hunterotica

    The last part ,”You turn back to the front, sweating and shaking uncontrollably. At that moment you know, you have not seen the last of that wicked being.”, needs to be taken out. It produces a substantially larger amount of bricks when its not spelled out for you.

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    Rating: +6 (from 8 votes)
  • loldongs

    @cthulhu gb2cave

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    Rating: -1 (from 1 vote)
  • Keindrae

    I liked it, but could have been so much better.

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    Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
  • Darkest

    @Temporary Wounds: The creature he saw was a beast of some sort that preys/stalks those who get heat stroke.

    I liked it, though the ending could have been better.

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    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • Anonymous

    I liked it. The end was a little silly, but I still shat a brick, so not a total loss.

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    Rating: +4 (from 6 votes)
  • Azriel

    New Ending: You turn to look at the creature one more time, and you finally see it. But it’s not in the other car. It’s in your back seat.

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    Rating: +4 (from 6 votes)
  • MisterVercetti

    Hmmm…

    The jury’s out on this one. It’s kinda creepy, yet it feels almost unfinished, like there’s some other part that got left out.

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    Rating: +3 (from 3 votes)
  • http://hack.cl GraveOne

    was nice and creepy but needs something more… it feels like it isnt finished and the writer just pulled the plug on it….

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    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • Poizn

    I’m disappointed. The build up in the beginning wasn’t bad, which left me hoping for a good brick shitter ending.

    Then I read “You’ll see it again.”

    Total let down. Azriel had a nice idea, though.

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    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  • Darkest

    Personally I imagine that I’d have it shift between locations, one moment grinning and the next whispering in your ear, sounding like a desert sandstorm…

    Something like this wouldn’t actually hurt you. Just prey on your weakness.

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    Rating: 0 (from 2 votes)
  • Sama

    So… There was a rapist in the next car and he wrote down your license plate?

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    Rating: 0 (from 4 votes)
  • Clam Cracker

    No, a good premise alone does not make a good story. Nor does a nice writing style or good descriptions. Those help, but there needs to be more than that, and there is nothing in this case.

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    Rating: 0 (from 2 votes)
  • Dru

    Creepy.

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    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)
  • Comment Leaver

    Meh. It was ok. I’m too seasoned for this to creep me at all.

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    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • Gai Kao

    Sequel pasta

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    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)
  • Marie

    Agree with the above comments that the last paragraph ought to be taken out. Even if the creature doesn’t follow “me” home, knowing that there is something lurking at an ordinary place is creepy enough.
    There were also a few spelling errors, but not enough to pull me out of the story. “…wait for you mother to come…”, “…attention the the car out…”
    Overall, a good pasta, though not delicious.

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    Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)
  • katie

    it wasn’t too bad. i mean, it didn’t hurt my mom.

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    Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)

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