A Friendly Phone Number
Annalisa bought a new address book. As she was writing the names from the old book, she noticed her friends name. Linda had died several months ago. She felt silly transferring the name to the new book, but she felt a little strange to just ignore it. She knew she was being a bit morbid, but something was telling her to dial that number. Maybe to know and hear that it didn’t belong to her friend anymore might bring some closure to her. She was having trouble dealing with the grief that was with her almost daily.
Much to her shock, LINDA ANSWERED. Taken aback, she stuttered the beginning of a conversation. In no time, they were talking like the old friends they were. The last several months were especially hard for Annalisa. In addition to losing Linda, her fiancee left her, so she used the opportunity to pour her heart out to Linda. In doing so, the bitterness and hurt she felt lifted from her soul.
Linda asked why Annalisa hadn’t called in so long. “Why hasn’t Bruce Called?” Linda cried. “He promised to always be there for me.”
Bruce was the driver of the car that took Linda’s life. He was driving her home after her bridal shower and the shower gifts were packed not only in the trunk but high in the back seat, blocking the back windows. They were to be married in just three short weeks. Bruce was injured in the accident and had been in a deep coma since that day. He knew nothing about Linda’s death.
Annalisa was thrown off guard. How do you answer such a question? Linda continued, “Why haven’t you called all these long months? Why hasn’t Bruce called?” She asked this over and over.
Not knowing what else to say, she gasped “BECAUSE YOU DIED.” Annalisa heard no reply. All she heard was the DIAL TONE! Her heart was pounding in her ears, as she hurriedly dialed the number again.
No answer.
A Friendly Phone Number,
I don’t see this pasta as all that bad, but I see how other people may see it as a "BUT WHO WAS PHONE?"… 1.4 is rather harsh rating… Caps when not quoting written letters never helps… 4/10
I’m not sure if you were going for a ‘but who was phone’ story, but that’s what it felt like. No explanations, hurried details, and the ending felt too sudden and chopped, like you wanted to write more but didn’t have time. Plus, Caps lock always makes the reader mad. If you want to emphasize something, use italics, not caps, or it feels like you’re shouting, not emphasizing.
It was pretty good until
‘because you died.’
Reading this story reminds me of listening to someone tell a joke who needs to say "wait, back up, I forgot to mention… " several times.
BUT WHO WAS PHONE
1/10
what an hero.. but we must ask.. who was phone
I believe many of you do not see the story behind this, or maybe the author failed to convey it well enough. Either way, I enjoyed it. There’s only so much you can do in so few words.
Aaaw, that’s kind of sad.
It was okay. The premise was good, though the story left a lot more to be desired. …Not to mention, I have the distinct impression that the last portion was included, just to make us all think of "BUT WHO WAS PHONE".
Y is me and my moms name on there
wow this is weird o_O
i mean,this is almost like ‘WHO WAS PHONE?’
the part about…’because you’re dead’
somehow it makes me remember something bad….
This could have been an awesome story, If you put a little more details, and added the back story first. It had great potential!
I was liking it a lot until the “BECAUSE YOU DIED.” part
It wouldve been perfect if maybe you made the pace of the story slower
Not that bad
You have an interesting premise here, but I think it might work better if you start with Annalise receiving a call from Linda. Maybe Annalise is asleep and wakes up to the phone ringing. She’s groggy, which is why she doesn’t realize why it’s so strange to be hearing from Linda, but over the course of the conversation she starts noticing odd things. Don’t tell the reader that Linda is dead – that should be the big reveal – and include some dialogue to give it depth and personality. Aspects feel rushed and unrealistic (You call your dead friend and she answers, so you carry on a whole conversation with her? I think most people in this scenario would freak out and hang up the phone), which makes the story feel disjointed. Try to add some detail and more transitional lines.
chocolate cupcakes
Great idea, but a bit underdeveloped. I feel it would be better if there was more to read, and it was too… I don’t know, soon. Horror, like humor, has a sort of punchline where everything hits you at once and you go "Ohhhhh…" (unless you scream). In this case, you told the punchline before the joke.
Who was phone?
It was really good! Next time just add more detail and less “WHO WAS PHONE?!”
elements
“Much to her shock, LINDA ANSWERED.”
It’s in caps lock, you guys. THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.
It’s an awful story for creepypasta everywhere